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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to allow my son to attend the family meal

31 replies

Boys2mam · 12/03/2010 13:55

DS1 is 6. He attends a Youthclub on a Thurs eve and I just received a call from a close friend (who is also a Youth worker there) asking me to speak to DS. Apparently he was told numerous times last night to calm down, he was jumping all over (also on tables and couches) and was generally disruptive. She told me they know its just because he is excited and they don't want him not to come but his behaviour must improve.

I'm so cross.

He is always excited to go to this group and as he goes with one of his best friends we have to tell them to calm down when we're taking them there ("we" being DP and I who take turns taking them with the other parents).

Now, my dilemma is how to punish him. He isn't due to go there again for 6 days and we are due to go out tonight for my DB's birthday for a family meal, then he stays at his GP's every Fri. Is there any point not going tonight as punishment or would a stern talking to suffice then a reminder next Thurs before he goes?

I think I know the answer but what do you ladies think?

If you're still with me, Thanks for reading this far x

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 12/03/2010 13:57

A talking to and a reminder - take him to the meal.

swanandduck · 12/03/2010 13:59

Try a stern warning, maybe including the threat that if he does it again he won't get to watch his favourite programme next week or some such.

HanBanan · 12/03/2010 14:01

Stern talking to. He's 6 so hopefully this is more about too much sugar etc than anything else. Just getting a bit hyped up with his mate! But it's not right, so give him a good telling off and hopefully he'll behave next time.

I got up to all sorts of mischief at these clubs, flashback to Brownies...those were the days!

waitingforbedtime · 12/03/2010 14:02

Just talk to him, its just over-excitement.

SE13Mummy · 12/03/2010 14:02

He's 6 - take him to the meal but next week speak to the club leaders and ask them (with your son present) to call you if his behaviour means he needs to be collected early.

Is his friend unruly when he's there too? It might be a good idea for whoever takes them next week to use the journey to talk about expectations for youth club behaviour e.g. follow adults' instructions, no jumping on furniture etc.

Lemonmeringue · 12/03/2010 14:03

I'd take him to the meal and consider not sending him to the club next week. What do they do at the youth club? Is it structured enough for him? (I've no experience of youth clubs for this age - genuinely curious).

No point spoiling a family celebration.

castille · 12/03/2010 14:03

Yes to stern talking to and a warning that if this happens again he will miss youth club the following week.

Take him to the meal (with clear instructions to behave nicely!)

ande · 12/03/2010 14:03

A talking to - take him to the meal. Remind him again leading up to next weeks youth club night. I would also tell Youth Club worker to call me if he does not behave appropriately infront of your DS. Good luck!

tablefor3 · 12/03/2010 14:03

Talk today and talk on the way to youthclub next week. Perhaps you could agree with the youthworker that if he misbehaves again they will call you during the session and you will come and get him straight away.

Go to the meal tonight - it is unconnected with the youthclub both thematically and timewise

AccioPinotGrigio · 12/03/2010 14:05

A talking to and a clear explanation of why he needs to behave - respect for property re jumping on furniture and respect for others in the group. Possibly the 'threat' that if he continues to do this he may not be able to go to the next session. It does sound like pure excitement and boyish exuberance which shouldn't be punishable in itself.

MadreInglese · 12/03/2010 14:06

Would you have spare time to help out at the club and see if the activities/supervision are/is enough to keep the children occupied?

ANTagony · 12/03/2010 14:06

Make sure you take them to youth club next week. Take a good book or magazine and wait in the car, lobby or somewhere that he (and the group supervisors) know you're readily available to take him home if he starts to play up.

Original poster
Boys2mam · 12/03/2010 14:08

Thank you so much Ladies, thats the responses I was looking for (unanimous too)

I was all for taking the hard line but in my heart I agree completely with you all.

Great idea about telling them in front of him to call me and I'll collect him early if he misbehaves again.

OP posts:
PrettyCandles · 12/03/2010 14:10

Hang on a sec! Why on earth should he be punished for reported misbehaviour when he is under the care of the club leaders? His behaviour is their responsibility during club sessions.

It's no good just telling a 6yo to calm down and expect him to switch off his excitement. It is the leaders' job to manage the boy's behaviour. What is the cause, and what is the consequence?

One thing B2M could do would be to make sure that he has a good healthy sustaining snack before club - something like peanut butter sandwiches, a drink and an appple.

And definitley he should go to the family meal tonight.

Original poster
Boys2mam · 12/03/2010 14:11

I'm happy with the structure of the group Madre and Lemonmeringue, its the waiting for it to start that seems to send him crazy.

I Love Mumsnet, you've all made me feel so much better (pathetic softy emoticon)

OP posts:
Original poster
Boys2mam · 12/03/2010 14:15

Thats true Pretty, I don't think I'll go down the route of blaming the group just yet cos he can be a lot bit bouncy when he's excited . He always has his evening meal before he goes, which is healthy, so I know its not sugar related but definetely boyish exuberance (Love that phrase and your name name AccioPinotgrigio)

OP posts:
Trifle · 12/03/2010 14:15

I would imagine that the club leaders dont ring every parent the minute a child misbehaves.

I think if you have been told how disruptive he was you can rest assured that he has been completely unmanageable.

There is only so much disruption the leaders should have to endure before enough is enough.

I too think it is a good idea to stay at the next session and remove him immediately if he doesnt calm down or do as he is told.

Lemonmeringue · 12/03/2010 14:58

B2M - arrive a bit late?

porcamiseria · 12/03/2010 15:01

awww! take him to meal ansd give him stern talking to

PurpleHeffalump · 12/03/2010 16:55

Wow, PrettyCandles.
"Why on earth should he be punished for reported misbehaviour when he is under the care of the club leaders? His behaviour is their responsibility during club sessions."

I hope that I never have to teach one of your children. But sadly this is the attitude of some parents. So would you not expect a child to be disciplined at home because of something they did at school? (obviously in addition to the concequences in school)

I dream of the day when all parents have the same attitude as you Boys2mam, who hear that their child has misbehaved and want to reinforce that this behaviour is not acceptable, rather than pass the blame.

Another vote for just a talking too. Also really like the advice about threat of picking up early next time.

pointylog · 12/03/2010 17:02

Hi behaviour is his own responsibility. And it must be pretty bad for the leaders to be contacting his mum. The club leaders are doing their bit by moving onto the next step and getting the parenst involved.

PrettyCandles · 12/03/2010 17:36

Absolutely, Purpleheffalump. And what's more, my children's teachers agree. There have been times when teachers have wanted to discuss a dc's behaviour. In all cases we have been in agreement that the misbehaviour has been dealt with at school, and that there should be no further punishment at home. The one time when a dc's behaviour has been very serious, the teachers and I agreed consequences together.

If the youth group leaders cannot manage the bheaviour of a 6yo (with, I presume, no SNs) then their training and comptence needs to be looked at very seriously.

In B2M's situation I would like to know what exactly the leaders are doign when her ds misbehaves.

scaryteacher · 12/03/2010 17:36

I run a Youth club, and would advise that you help out at the next couple of clubs so you can monitor his behaviour, and so that he can moderate his behaviour as he knows you are there. You don't have to be glued to him all night, but just be around. I have found this to work with teenagers so it may work with the younger ones as well.

pointydog · 12/03/2010 17:41

That is one of my least favourite comments. 'if an adult can't deal with a 6 year old'. Although the last time I heard it, it was 'if the teacher can't dela with a 13 yr old...'.

It is dismissive and lazy and disrespectful.

Fennel · 12/03/2010 17:54

I run a youth group for kids this age. Many of them are, ahem, exuberant. Our group has a policy of trying not to exclude any child, but it also has general approach of encouraging children to take responsibility for their own behaviour, which can be tricky with exuberant yos.

I really don't think it's my duty as a youth group leader to manage totally disrputive behaviur, or to punish children, the group is supposed to be fun, and really the leaders are there to try and make sure that at least most of the children have a good time. If we have a parent whose child is disruptive and the parent sees it as our problem, I'd be asking them to remove the child. it's just not our job.

In reality most parents are happy to work with us, some will stay for most or all sessions to help with thier child, others will discuss strategies with us, ways that might work in helping their child calm down and fit in. But we are not there to impose discipline, it's an optional fun activity, not a boot camp.