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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say nothing when 5 year old friend of DS said that his dad had hit him mum this morning

48 replies

ziopin · 11/03/2010 20:55

What to do?

My ds (5) had his friend from school over for tea tonight. He told me that his dad had hit his mum this morning becase he (the dad) though she'd been bad

Dad picked him up from my house after tea. Should I say something to the mum?

OP posts:
MudandRoses · 11/03/2010 21:01

Blimey, what an awful situation. I don't know what I'd do. I would maybe try and speak to the child and ascertain the story's truth and whether it's happened before, and also whether his dad ever hits him; and then yes I might mention it to the mum, in a supportive way. Is she a friend of yours?

ouryve · 11/03/2010 21:02

Yes. Absolutely (so long as you can talk to her without the dad finding out). It might be very uncomfortable, though, but if the dad really did hit her, it might help her to stop and think that she's not the only one affected by this.

morningpaper · 11/03/2010 21:02

What did you say at the time? Did you not ask for more information?

laweaselmys · 11/03/2010 21:09

I would tell the school TBH. ie, that this is what that particular child told you. They should have a policy to deal with it (and a reasonable amount of experience with these kind of situations that you don't need to worry about SS rushing in if it is not true).

If you can maybe try and speak to the mum too, but obviously be aware that a, she might lie, b, try not to do anything that might aggravate the father towards her.

junglist1 · 11/03/2010 21:12

Someone needs to be told but not in a way that the dad realises his child spilled the beans. You don't know how violent he is.

allaboutme · 11/03/2010 21:13

I wouldnt be able to do nothing at all, but not quite sure what the best thing is to do
I'd take what a 5yr old says with a little pinch of salt though as I've known them to tell massive whoppers tbh.
DS1's best friend told his teacher he'd been at the hospital at the weekend after his mum hit him. The head got involved and called in the family etc and it was a complete fabrication - they'd been up the hospital to visit his nan!

maristella · 11/03/2010 21:17

what laweas said.
speak to the school, that way if more needs to come of this it will have come from the school. the school will also be in a really good position to offer the child support.

GlastonburyGoddess · 11/03/2010 21:17

Id also air on the side of caution. 5 yr olds come out with some outrageous statements ime. me and dp sometimes playfight a little bit and punch each other on the arm a few times for example-this could easily be misinterpreted by a 5 yr old into daddy hit mummy. Id perhaps have quiet word with the mum first before calling ss or the like.

TheBreastmilksOnMe · 11/03/2010 21:19

I would second telling the school, something needs to be done but it isn't really your place to go investigating. You could also contact SS, they would be able to help advise you and would obviously know the correct steps to take. It's important, when a child tells you someting tht you don't put words in their mouths or lead them in any way.

indie37 · 11/03/2010 21:24

I would check it out, but not sure I would believe everything a 5 year old says. My dd1 said something the other day about the time when I'd sprayed deodorant in her face, she meant the time when I'd sprayed a small amount of perfume on her neck, but imagine what that would sound like to an outsider. Do you know the mum, is it something you could discuss with her?

MudandRoses · 11/03/2010 21:33

I would talk to the mum before the school - if the child is not involved or if it was a one-off I dont think they need to know - and they might be obliged to act on the information - there are probably policies in place. But I wouldn't do nothing. That 5 yr old might very well have been making a genuine cry for help (or, of course, it could be a load of cobblers or a gross misinterpretation. You won;t know til you speak to the mum. Though of course she might deny it, then you;re back to square one)

tots2ten · 11/03/2010 21:44

I would speak to the school. No-one believed my cousin when she told people that her dad would hit her mum. She was about 5 or 6 when she first started telling people what she has seen.

My mum even told my cousin off for lying little did my mum know that her own sister was being battered on a daily basis.

Thankfully my aunt left her husband.

porcamiseria · 11/03/2010 21:49

DONT tell the school or SS, you dont even know if this child is telling the trust and you could open a huge can of beans.....

I do agree to mention to his Mum, her reaction will give you an idea to the situation and you can take from there, if needed

tough one, dammed if you do, dammed if you dont

Original poster
ziopin · 11/03/2010 21:50

Thanks for all the replies. No I didnt question him about it, didn't think it was my place too really.

Dont really know the Mum either, only see her at school parties etc, but the boys have become quite close and my DS has been to her house a couple of times. Do you think I should stop him from going there for tea now?

Think I may ring her tomorrow and explain what was said yesterday?

OP posts:
choosyfloosy · 11/03/2010 21:53

I think ringing her is a good idea, though personally if I were going to raise something like this, I'd do it face to face - you know your own abilities better than me.

I would ask your son if his friend's dad is ever cross while he is there, and see what he says. It seems unlikely that your son would be in danger.

laweaselmys · 11/03/2010 22:01

Look obviously it is up to you how you deal with this but: do you have any experience at all with domestic violence?

If the answer is no I really can't see what you are going to gain by speaking to the mum in a trying-to-find-out-what-happened way.

Please tell the school they have procedures to deal with this kind of thing and that absolutely DOES NOT mean that this boy is automatically going to get stolen away by SS. They may not even report it to SS if they investigate and decide that it's probably not true. If it is true and you get fobbed off by the mum then this would be a real tragedy.

If you do want to speak to the mum in a solidarity/offer-of-support sort of way then that would be very kind of you.

controlfreakery · 11/03/2010 22:09

another vote for speaking to the school. if everyone turns a blind eye to information like this children are potentially left vulnerable and at risk. it may be true / it may not. but that's not for you to judge / assess... how can you? if you still have doubts phone nspcc helpline and ask their advice in confidence. please dont ignore it. children often "test the water" by telling an adult what is happening to them. dont just ignore him.... there's only so many times he'll try.

Pozzled · 11/03/2010 22:09

Definitely speak to the school. They know the child and will be aware if there are any previous concerns They will keep a record of the info you give them and are better placed to decide whether or not to involve SS. He may even be on the child protection register already, if it is true.

abbierhodes · 11/03/2010 22:13

Do you think it's serious?
What's your instinct?

We play games that involve DH sneaking up and smacking my bum while the DCs suppress giggles!

My two year old once told MIL that 'daddy smacks mommy'. Could have been dodgy if she'd have taken it seriously.

Not suggesting for a second that you ignore it btw, just giving another perspective.

claw3 · 11/03/2010 22:17

What did he mean by 'hit', did he say punch or slap.

'hit' to a 5 year old could mean a playful pat on the bottom, a tap on the hand for trying to pinch a piece of DH's toast, it could mean anything.

claw3 · 11/03/2010 22:19

Abbierhodes, i should have refreshed before typing!

controlfreakery · 11/03/2010 22:21

you are all speculating. he may mean a tap on hand in play, etc etc. he may mean he punched the mum in the face. how do you propose op finds out? should she invite boy round and cross examine him a bit??

CastleDouglas · 11/03/2010 22:21

I'd speak to the mum if you have a chance, but don't ring her, in case her partner is in the house and could overhear/pick up the phone.

edam · 11/03/2010 22:27

ziopin, you musn't ignore this kind of comment from a child. You are not in a position to investigate yourself and could actually do some real harm if you try. Tell the school and let them handle it in line with the proper procedures. None of us can possibly have any idea whether this is serious or merely horseplay - and it's not our job to find out, or yours.

Ask to speak to the designated person for child protection at the school - in ds's, it's the head but it varies. They will be able to make sure this is handled correctly so that if there is a real problem there, the mother and child can get help.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 12/03/2010 04:26

School. Tell the school.

Hitting Mummy "because she'd been bad" is a red flag and a half, I think. And if you tell the school, it's not like they'll charge in there and whisk the child away - they'll just be a bit aware to look out for further signs. So if the child's lying, no harm done.

If the child's telling the truth and no-one's helping, a lot of harm could be done.