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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say nothing when 5 year old friend of DS said that his dad had hit him mum this morning

48 replies

ziopin · 11/03/2010 20:55

What to do?

My ds (5) had his friend from school over for tea tonight. He told me that his dad had hit his mum this morning becase he (the dad) though she'd been bad

Dad picked him up from my house after tea. Should I say something to the mum?

OP posts:

Devendra · 12/03/2010 06:00

Seriously DO SOMETHING!!
Contact the school.
Contact SS.
Doing NOTHING is not an option....ever!!!!!!

Kathyjelly · 12/03/2010 06:32

If I was the lady who had (allegedly) been hit, I think I'd far prefer to have a friendly single voice asking if there's anything they can do to help, than to have someone I barely know reporting my family to the authorities.

And it makes it easier for the two boys to remain friends, which, if there are problems, is really important.

I'd find an opportunity to talk to the mum face to face, and take it from there.

tartyhighheels · 12/03/2010 07:02

speak to the Mother, speaking to the school could unleash all sorts of unwanted 'help' if someone over reacts - the school cannot really speak to this child without the parents permission anyway.

Speak to her, tell her what her child said and I reckon you will be able to work out what is going on by her reaction.

Please do not ignore it but please be careful if her husband is violent and the school get involved it could escalate things and make it worse.

junglist1 · 12/03/2010 09:15

The child said his Dad thought his Mum had been bad. That doesn't sound like playfighting to me, it sounds like the way a child would rationalise violence. Poor kid

Bucharest · 12/03/2010 09:21

I'd try and speak to the Mum in the first instance I think.

Dearie me.

TottWriter · 12/03/2010 09:43

I would definitley not let it lie, but you have to handle it delicately. As people have said, it could be a case of playfighting, though the 'being bad' comment makes that more unlikely (unless the parents in question have an S&M fetish or something).

Have you a way of talking to the child again before you raise the issue? How often do you see him, and could you ask him if Daddy hits Mummy a lot? It is important to try and get to the bottom of this sort of thing before the authorities descend - my mum was flagged because she was allegedly allowing my brother to watch pornography at the tender age of eight - well, it was him sneaking into her room where the telly was and watching the adult channels whenever he got the chance. Someone picked up on his knowledge of 'boobies' and phoned in. So I know it can work both ways.

On the other hand, if there is DV gonig on, it needs to be stopped - fast. Talking to the mum may or may not help, and unfortunately there is no way to guess her reaction without calling her. If you can talk to the child a bit more it would be wort going to the school who will act.

jellyhead · 12/03/2010 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pilates · 12/03/2010 10:02

Agree with some, it could be a child misinterpreting or it could be something more sinister. I would speak to the mum (preferably face to face) and say in a joking manner "you never guess what ???? said to me last night, that his Dad hit you for being naughty" and see what her reaction is.

StepSideways · 12/03/2010 10:10

On the one hand, take it with a pinch of salt, sometimes me and DW playfight which usually results in me letting her 'win', which might be either misinterpreted, exagerated or badly described by a child.

On the other hand I still remember seeing my dad beating my mum round the head with a phone book (apparently it doesnt leave obvious marks), that was certainly not my imagination, and if the situation is more like that then something needs to be done.

Personally (if I was female) I'd try and make better friends with the mum, go out for coffee or something, until perhaps it might be easier to talk to her and see if she will open up, and perhaps take your advice..

lowenergylightbulb · 12/03/2010 10:10

You should tell the school. They may well have a fuller picture of the boys family life and will be equipped to judge whether to look into things further.

StepSideways · 12/03/2010 10:11

I do like Pilates approach...

damnedchilblains · 12/03/2010 10:15

"hitting Mummy "because she'd been bad" is a red flag and a half"
Not necessarily, my dh pinned me down and was smacking my bottom as a joke because my ds said I had been naughty. It was all a joke because i was cheating in a game. The point is you maybe misinterpreting the intent behind everything, not the boy, children often say what they see / hear without context.

This is a very very tricky and delicate situation. You don't want to involve the outside agencies if there is nothing wrong, but you don't want to do nothing in case there is. I think if I was in your place I would maybe mention it to the mother the next time I saw her. But maybe you* could call the domestic violence helpline to get some proper advice, either whether or not you should involve somebody else, or they may give you signs to look out for or ways to approach her.

How well do you know the child, have there been any other incidents that have given you cause for concern? It is very dangerous to go to the authorities based on one comment. It can cause very serious and unwanted (and uneeded) disruption.

Fluffyone · 12/03/2010 10:37

I do not think you should talk to a 5 year old again about this to try to find out more. Can you imagine how that conversation could be reported back at home for a start? If you speak to anyone you have to speak to the mother.

mixedmamameansbusiness · 12/03/2010 11:39

Difficult one, as children can misconstrue things, but maybe just mention to the muim what the child said in passing and guage her reaction.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 12/03/2010 11:44

I stand by my post, chilblains. The harm done by ignoring a genuine cry for help far outweighs the harm done by involving the school if it's false.

I'm not sure if I'd allow myself to be faux-spanked in front of a young child, either, actually. That would, as you note, be confusing for them to process.

damnedchilblains · 12/03/2010 12:02

er tortoise "faux-spanked" (not sure if there is an awkward implication with your choice of words) but nope it wasn't confusing as I was laughing and it was very obvious it was a joke. And I didn't note that it would be confusing to a child, they could see exactly what was going on, it would only be confusing to an adult if it was reported out of context (which children often do), and that was my point.

Besides tortoise, I didn't disagree with you, I just wouldn't be to quick to call it a cry for help that's all. I was a childminder and have done all the children's safety courses et al so I'm aware that some things should be taken very seriously, but I would take note of the way a child speaks and what they say. I would have responded immediately in a half joke way "what do you mean daddy smacked mummy?". But I wouldn't interrogate a child though or apply a context that isn't there

MorrisZapp · 12/03/2010 12:07

I think this is the kind of situation that needs to be looked at both ways.

How would posters here feel about the school or SS approaching them to say that they were worried about violence in their homes and risk to their children, becuase their 5 year old kid had made an exaggerated remark and another mum had taken the remark straight to the authorities?

This to me is yet another MN classic of 'report it' when it's somebody else and 'how fucking dare they interfere' when it's you.

It's really delicate. I'd ask the wee boy round more regularly and listen to him and observe him etc. Get a feel for whether this was a silly story or a warning sign of real violence.

Morloth · 12/03/2010 12:18

I don't know what I would do TBH. We do slap each other on the arse a lot here so DS could easily say the same thing on a playdate. On the other hand if it isn't something like that you can't let it slide.

I think I would go with talking to the Mum before involving the school, but I don't know.

MorrisZapp "This to me is yet another MN classic of 'report it' when it's somebody else and 'how fucking dare they interfere' when it's you." Nods in agreement.

Tricky.

Chulita · 12/03/2010 12:32

My dad used to 'smack' my mum if we told him she'd done something naughty (like have an extra piece of cake or something ridiculous like that) my mum would pretend to howl and make a meal of it. (They'd actually go in their room and shut the door so all we heard was Dad hitting the bed and mum trying not to chuckle...who knows what they were actually doing...)
Anyway, I could've quite happily told a friend that Daddy had hit Mummy because she'd been bad.
I'm not saying for an instant to forget about this, but getting the school involved is very drastic - I'd ask her about it, just mention that her son had said it and see how she responds.

lilacclaire · 12/03/2010 12:42

I would mention it to the school, its not for anyone unqualified to decide whether or not its horseplay or dv.

I would not have any problem of the school/ss contacting me if I was the woman in question. I would be comforted to know such 'inteferance' was in place to protect my or anyone elses child.

quietlysuggests · 12/03/2010 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foreverastudent · 12/03/2010 18:31

I think you need to speak to the Mum alone, face-to-face.
Tell her what the child said and see how she reacts.
Going straight to the school/SS could result in the child being removed 'as a precaution' even if it transpires that there was no abuse.
I would suggest contacting Women's Aid and asking their advice. Maybe get a couple of helpline numbers and give them to the Mum.
If there is violence in the home then what the Mum needs is support and practical help with escaping such as a place to keep an 'emergency' bag with clothes, ID, documents etc.
Many abusers threaten (and succeed) to kill their partners if they attempt to leave so tread carefully and don't make any judgements if there is abuse but she seems reluctant to escape.

messymissy · 12/03/2010 18:41

absolutely speak to the mum - but don't raise the subject directly at first. offer friendship, tell her you are worried that she seems down, ask her about herself. Get her over for a chat, coffee, company. A friend did this to me and it all came tumbling out....she said you look down, I'm worried you haven't been yourself lately, is everything ok? Can I help with anything, and so on.... it was the first time in ages anyone had asked about me.

Please dont go to the school first, I agree with Foreverastudent - ask for advice from Womens Aid in this situation, don't go to the school cos you may panic the mum into covering up in fear of it getting much much worse - and that's also why it takes so very long for women to leave abusive partners. And if the dad is violent, imagine what he may do to his wife and son if the truth is blurted out in that way.

I couldn't believe I stayed after the first, second, third, fourth etc etc etc times but you do as fear is totally paralysing.

My DD used to tell people too - but they just laughed and thought she was making it up.....

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