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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think she could ask me first before asking my dc?

38 replies

eyesdown · 10/03/2010 22:45

my mother has said the children, well the youngest, would like her to take them on holiday again this year. she took them away the year before last.
so apparently she had a disucssion with all of them and then drops the clanger with me!

she knew i would shout rant so told me

well i was just thinking today i think that i didnt really want them going away without us.
i miss them and dh's and my relationship wasnt quite frankly, up to all the spare time.
we rowed, cos we could iykwim

OP posts:

Original poster

eyesdown · 10/03/2010 22:47

and actually, shoudlnt she have bloody checked with me ...
she never does. she checks with them and then checks with me.
they are my childrne.

and she is so interfering.
i could go on but i am upsetting myself.
how do i deal with this.
recently she was going on about the swine flu injection saying i shouldnt let them have it (!).
i said , well its a decision for X and i to make. good one. but i need more like that.

OP posts:

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 10/03/2010 22:58

Yes, of course she's being unreasonable, it's undermining to promise your children a treat without checking with you first.

Does she see them regularly? Are you reliant on her for babysitting or anything?

Original poster

eyesdown · 10/03/2010 23:01

yes, she comes over twice a week while i work.
i spose that is the problem.

OP posts:

Ivykaty44 · 10/03/2010 23:04

no they don't belong to you

they are not there to keep you from arguing

let them go on holiday and have a fab time

get a life whilst they are away

go to the pub or swing form the light fittings

make a pact to have sex after every cross word

BooyhooNOTboohoooORbooyou · 10/03/2010 23:06

tough one.

i understand you need her help to babysit while you work but i think this is a conversation you need to have.

my mum is very 'strong-minded' and can take a bit of persuading to accept that her way is not necessarily the right way for my children. but she does eventually accept that they are my children.

could you possibly have a chat with her and tell her how you feel in a calm way and agree with her that you will be consulted in future before she makes any promises to the dcs?

overmydeadbody · 10/03/2010 23:06

I agree with Ivy.

what's wrong with them going away with your mother?

overmydeadbody · 10/03/2010 23:07

How old are the children?

Original poster

eyesdown · 10/03/2010 23:11

what's wrong, only cos we missed them ..
it was pretty crap without them, despite the daily sex .. even that novelty can wear off. believe me.
and we rowed.

but mainly i just wish she wouldnt speak to them before daining to tell me the plans.

OP posts:

abbierhodes · 10/03/2010 23:21

I agree with you about your mother, YANBU at all there.

But if your relationship really can't survive time away from the kids, I think you have far bigger problems.

Original poster

eyesdown · 10/03/2010 23:21

yes thanks abbieh

OP posts:

abbierhodes · 10/03/2010 23:35

Sorry, that was harsh and wasn't meant to be. I just think you should be able to enjoy child free time, that's all. Though I've never left mine for more than one night either, and wouldn't while they're small, so I get where you're coming from.

Sorry to make you more , I'll go now.

Original poster

eyesdown · 10/03/2010 23:39

no they're not small, 10, 12 and 14.

dh does drink too much, imo, changes his character.
is currently dry, and i think that was the problem.
i don;t know.
it was pretty miserable.

wonder how many of us woudl truley relish a week without our dc's, whatever their age.

anyways, how to deal with this mother of mine.

OP posts:

kerstina · 11/03/2010 09:41

Can you not go on holiday with your mom and kids too ?
Leave your partner at home hopefully you will miss each other and it will improve your relationships. I love going away with my parents and child and my partner is ok with it.

2rebecca · 11/03/2010 09:56

1 week isn't much and your children are now old enough to spend time without you and if they're keen to go I think clinging to them because you'll miss them is selfish.
I'm divorced though so the kids are with their dad and his family half the holidays anyway, plus we both work so can't get the whole of the school holidays off anyway.
Your mum was wrong to ask them first but otherwise I think you are being clingy and unreasonable.

WingedVictory · 11/03/2010 14:04

Perhaps present her with a scenario: how would she like it if you told your children she was going to buy them X (something very expensive) for Christmas/ birthday, and let them let her know. She'd be very angry with you for putting her in the position where she has to either disappoint them or fork out. She is doing something similar to you.

Bonsoir · 11/03/2010 14:07

It is very wrong of your mother to make arrangements with your children without consulting you first. You should explain this to her, and penalise her if she crosses that boundary again.

She will cross the boundary, again and again, until you have penalised her often enough.

piprabbit · 11/03/2010 14:14

I think you should have a chat with your mother and tell her that she should talk to you before she discusses treats etc. with the children. Some mums don't even let grandparents dole out sweeties without parental permission, so you are hardly being unreasonable.

But, I don't see any reason why you should want to prevent the children from going on a holiday that they will enjoy. It sounds like you are punishing them to a)annoy DM and b)avoid spending time with your DP. Not putting the interests of your children first.

lal123 · 11/03/2010 14:17

It is wrong for her to ask them without checking with you first. But if you don't want her to take your kids she can have mine for a fortnight if she wants????

alardi · 11/03/2010 14:19

Please can I have your mother, OP? I dream of the idea that one of DC's relatives would ever take any of them off our hands for even 4 hours would be quite nice & a novelty.

ThePinkOne · 11/03/2010 14:22

The way you worded your OP actually reads like your youngest said 'can we go away with you again like last time Grandma?' And perhaps your mum said 'I'll have to speak to your mum'. Are you sure you have the right interpretation? Not just reading into it because you have a difficult relationship?

OtterInaSkoda · 11/03/2010 14:26

Bonsoir - how do you suggest the OP penalises her mother?

OP - yes she should have asked you first, but in all honestly I don't think this is the main issue. Of course you miss your dcs when they're away but would you really deny them the chance of a holiday with their grandma because of that?

And I'm not sure you should penalise your children because you and your DH can't spend a week together without rowing, either.

OtterInaSkoda · 11/03/2010 14:27

Or couldn't spend a week without arguing, rather. Sounds like matters have improved recently.

Bonsoir · 11/03/2010 14:31

DP penalises his mother by (a) refusing point blank to let the children do things with her when she has organised them behind his back (b) giving her a real bollocking in front of the children.

LadyBiscuit · 11/03/2010 14:36

That sounds like a really mature way of dealing with it Bonsoir

cat64 · 11/03/2010 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

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