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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think she could ask me first before asking my dc?

38 replies

eyesdown · 10/03/2010 22:45

my mother has said the children, well the youngest, would like her to take them on holiday again this year. she took them away the year before last.
so apparently she had a disucssion with all of them and then drops the clanger with me!

she knew i would shout rant so told me

well i was just thinking today i think that i didnt really want them going away without us.
i miss them and dh's and my relationship wasnt quite frankly, up to all the spare time.
we rowed, cos we could iykwim

OP posts:

piprabbit · 11/03/2010 14:40

Bonsoir .

Ivykaty44 · 11/03/2010 16:05

i dont really beleive eyes down

i think really she wants mummy to take her away aswell and be the fourth child

FalafelAtYourFeet · 11/03/2010 16:09

Sympathy- my mum does this too. I have put my foot down this year as she has booked a holiday in term time so I have said she cannot take DD out of school as she has SATS and I don't see the necessity.

ShadeofViolet · 11/03/2010 16:17

My MIL does that too, then if I have to say no for some reason, prior arrangement etc then I am the bad person and it really fucks me off.

I have mentioned it to her on a few occasions, and so now if it happens she says that DS must have overhears what she said, or got the wrong end of the stick.

LilyBolero · 11/03/2010 16:21

YABU - at that age I think it is reasonable to ask the kids if they would like that, and like it or not, your kids aren't sticking plasters to keep your marriage together. If your main objection is that you and dh will row, then you are using your children as shields.

What are you going to do when they hit 18 and leave home? That time will come sooner than you think and then you will be left with a big void of time to fill with you and your dh. Would be good to have learned how to spend time together alone before then.

LilyBolero · 11/03/2010 16:23

My Grandma took me away for a week every summer from being 3 years old. Gave my parents some 'time off' and took me to some amazing places that my parents, who hate travelling, would never have taken me to - we went to Switzerland, Italy, Norway, Jersey etc etc, and finished up with a tour of North America and Canada, including 4 days in New York!

I'd be pretty annoyed if I thought I'd missed out on that because my parents couldn't manage a week on their own.

Hulababy · 11/03/2010 16:29

Your mum should definitely speak to you and your DH first before telling your children she can take them away.

You are not wrong to miss them and refer them to be around.

However you should consider what is in the children's best interests too. Do they benefit from the week away? Dp they enjoy it and like to go? If so, then I think that you should consider agreeing to them going.

However I do agree that your mum should be asking you first, not them.

tootiredtothink · 11/03/2010 16:33

YABU - Your mom sounds fabulous.

Of course she should have checked with you first - but the fact that she's good enough to look after the dcs for you twice a week should also possibly mean she can have them for the few extra days away.

What a ridiculous reason for your children to miss out on a fabulous holiday just so you and dh don't argue .

TottWriter · 11/03/2010 16:48

I can see a bit of both here. On the one hand, of course your mother should have consulted you first! By going behind your back in that way she is undermining you and your authority as a parent, as you have to either give in or be the Big Bad Wolf. It would be common decency for you mum to check with you before mentioning it to your children, especially as they are of an age where they will remember if you say no and hold a grudge. And if they brought it up, she should have immediately turned it over to you before getting juicy with the details.

On the other hand, they are certainly old enough to go away for a week or so, and holding onto them simply because you miss them will only set cause problems later, when they lack independence. And if you're keeping them around as a reason for your DH to stay dry, then that's not good either. He needs to work through his problems himself, and if he has, then you need to learn to trust him again. You need to be a couple as well as Mum and Dad.

MudandRoses · 11/03/2010 20:45

YABU, a bit - your kids are old enough to have that discussion with her, without you being involved, especially if she sees them twice a week! If they want to go on holiday with her, they should be allowed to - you missing them is not a good reason to not let them, really...

Original poster

eyesdown · 11/03/2010 21:27

great to see further opinioins.
thanks so much.
i would of course let them go, would not dream of refusing. i can't now though can i.

she knew i would rant at her, so she obviously doesnt know why. i shall have to have words. >

OP posts:

OtterInaSkoda · 12/03/2010 10:03

Don't be too hard on her, eyesdown.

I suspect the reason she didn't ask you first was so as not to give you the opportunity to say no. Perhaps she does know your reasons for objecting, after all. And perhaps she's done so not only for her grandchildren and for her, but for her little girl (AKA you!).

lal123 · 12/03/2010 10:07

having some time alone with DP might allow you to work through things with him without the distraction of the kids

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