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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is DH being unreasonable to encourage children to leave home; also how much maintenance is usual at University?

26 replies

lonelyplanetmum · 09/03/2010 12:08

My DH has asked for my advice, and I honestly don?t know what the answer is so I thought I would ask for some opinions.

Background

DH was divorced about 7 years ago. He has three older teenage children who live with his ex in their former home-a four bedroomed detached house in Surrey. DH gave his ex the house plus a substantial settlement, and of course pays monthly money to her for all three children (although she uses this money for herself). Ex had a boy friend for three years who may now be off the scene. Relations between my DH and his ex will always be very strained and abrupt.

I met DH two years after his divorce and we are now very happily married with 2 small children. We see all DH?s children regularly. His eldest son is about to start University in September.

Problem

DH doesn?t know what to do about DS who is nearly 19. He has applied to several Uni?s in the South East but clearly hopes to get a place at the one which is only a few miles from his current home. When asked, DS says he might move out and live in Halls. We think in September, he will almost certainly lapse into staying at home with his Mother, and brother and sister for all of his Uni time, and beyond.This is curious in some ways as he doesn't seem very happy there, as his Mother nags him fairly constantly. We want what is best for DS, and what will make him happy with as little acrimony as possible. We need advice on:

? Should we encourage him to spread his wings, and move out, or respect his decision to go to Uni near home?
? What should DH do about maintenance for DS when he leaves school in June ?still pay this to ex or give it to DS directly?
? How much maintenance is usual when children live at home/move into halls during Uni?

OP posts:
choosyfloosy · 09/03/2010 12:10

Why do you think he will end up back at home?

I had family in the town where I went to university. I visited them never once.

itsmeitsmeolord · 09/03/2010 12:12

You can't state that his ex uses all the money for herself, that is not something you could possibly know about.
The bills are still getting paid, the children are still being fed and clothed I presume?

Maintenence ceases when the child is either 19 or leaves full time education normally. The csa website has more guidance on that aspect.

Re moving out, it's up to the ds. Uni will probably broaden his horizons and eventually he will want to move out of his own accord.

wastingaway · 09/03/2010 12:15

Hmm...

Depending on how much maintenance he pays atm, maybe offer to pay his rent while at university.

coldtits · 09/03/2010 12:19

Maintenance is not usually payable once children go to university, but if your DH wants to continue to pay it, I personally feel he should continue to pay it to whoever is paying the housing costs - so Ds if he is living in halls, but Ds's mother if he is still living at home.

You should respect his decision to live at home if that is what he wants to do. It's certainly easier financially, as long as you can be very sure that his mother isn't coercing him into this with the hope of having a continuation of his maintenance.

titchy · 09/03/2010 12:20

he will get a grant (means tested) or a loan to cover his support costs and fees. At 19 it is up to him whether to spend part of his loan on halls, or to stay at home and spend it on beer his studies. Therefor there should be no need for your dh to feel honour-bound to contineu to pay maintenance to his ex. It would of course be nice if he bunged his son a few quid every so often.

As to whether he should encourage his son to move into halls - well IMO this is a great opportunity for him to develop his independence, and I would certainly be encouraging mine to move out. However it's up to him really - assuming his mum is happy for him to stay.

ShadeofViolet · 09/03/2010 12:21

I agree itsmeitsmeolord on the first point, you cant say with any certainty that she spends all the money on herself.

I think you should let your DsS decide what he wants to do.

laweaselmys · 09/03/2010 12:22

In that situation I would say pay the DS directly enough to cover his rent.

IMO everybody should move out around this age (especially under confident people) as living on your own is such a massively liberating thing. However will need to make sure that your DP lets his Ex know in advance exactly what the situation will be. You never know she might think it's for the best too. (Avoid saying he isn't happy at home though, and stick to confidence would improve in a different setting type arguments!)

notimetotidy · 09/03/2010 12:25

Maintenace is only payable until the child turns 19 (usually the end of the school year that they turn 19). It is not paid all the way through University. As titchy says you could give him money direct.

Original poster
lonelyplanetmum · 09/03/2010 12:28

Thanks for the comments so far.The thinking he'll end up back at home is just an instinct based on things he says like he's not sure if he likes the Halls,and one of his mates lives at home, etc etc etc.

I am not saying ex spends all the children's maintenance on herself -she definitely doesn't.She just uses some of it to add to the maintenance she gets for herself.We do know though, because solicitors were involved a while ago and they found personal (adult woman's clothing bills) of several thousand pounds in a 6 month period!

However that isn't really an issue it's what to do about DS.

We could offer to pay rent at Uni but what if he then moves back home?

OP posts:
skihorse · 09/03/2010 12:28

If your husband wishes to contribute directly he could make out a cheque for halls or take him book shopping for example. My mother objected to my father giving me money so he'd take me for a whirl around Safeway for example - no cash involved!

ScreaminEagle · 09/03/2010 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ImSoNotTelling · 09/03/2010 12:34

Just wanted to point out that now there are no grants, fees for uni etc etc it is very common for students to stay in the family home whilst studying.

It's a shame IMO but there you go.

Malificence · 09/03/2010 12:34

Surely the whole point of them going to Uni is to learn how to live independantly and how to live on a budget?

If he's living at Uni he shouldn't be getting his rent paid by your DH or anything else!
He's an adult now, DD is at Uni 40 miles away, she could have stayed at home and driven but she wanted the whole Uni "experience", she pays her own way , she has a job over there, as well as here in the hols, we just help her out by taxing/insuring her car and odd bits.

ImSoNotTelling · 09/03/2010 13:23

Malificence what about degrees with full time hours?

Should people who want to study some of the sciences work for a few years first as a matter of course?

paisleyleaf · 09/03/2010 13:34

Would he get a place in halls if he's got an address local enough to live in.

Bonsoir · 09/03/2010 13:39

I think maintenance payments from your DH to his exW for his children should cease on each child's 19th birthday and that your DH should provide financial support towards each of his children's higher education payable directly to each child monthly by standing order.

How each child chooses to accommodate him/herself during studies is then up to the child concerned.

Hassled · 09/03/2010 13:42

paisley makes a good point - if home is tha close to Uni, it's possible he won't get a hall place. Some Unis guarantee accommodation for all first years, others don't.

The plus side of living at home, at least for the first year, is that he won't need to take out the Maintenance Loan, only the Tuition Fees one. IME some 19 year olds take to Hall living like a duck to water, others find it a bit overwhelming and all the forced community stuff a bit much. Home may well suit him better.

Re money - I think pay it direct to the DS. Then the mother can charge a nominal rent out of it as she sees fit, or if he's in Halls he can put it towards the Hall fees.

ifancyashandy · 09/03/2010 13:47

Can't comment on the maintenance issue but my parents definately encouraged me to leave home when I was 19 / 20. I'd buggered up me A levels and the deal was 'well then, get a job'. Once I'd got a job, they helped my get the first months rent / crappy furniture together and waved me off to live in a shared house about 10 mins walk away.

Looking back, I know it killed my mum (am baby of family) but she knew moving out was the best thing for me... and it was - I partied hard (without falling in drunk through their front door and being pain in arse for them) for a few years before getting nose back to grindstone and heading back to Uni. Will be doing the same when my DD reaches similar age (although thankfully that's a while off yet!)

notasausage · 09/03/2010 13:49

I would encourage anyone starting University to move out of home and preferably to a Uni that's a few hours from home so you have to learn to live by yourself. Uni is as much about learning independence and developing as an individual as it is about getting a degree.

Encourage him to try Halls even if he's not keen and if your DH and his exW are able to support this financially or at least subsidise whatever he can contribute from part time work. If he hates it and moves home at least he's tried it. Check out the payment terms for Halls - he might only be tied in for 1 term if he doesn't like it.

Malificence · 09/03/2010 13:49

My DD is in teacher training and doing a maths degree ( also nearly full time what with placements in schools,) she still manages to work 20 hours a week and have a stonking social life to boot.

We're not prepared to finance her Ugg boot and A+F shopping habit, not to mention eating out 2/3 times a week, she's very high maintainance, our DD. We help her out by funding her car but we can't afford to pay her rent/fees.

blonde36er · 09/03/2010 13:50

Don't feel able to comment adequately on the maintenance issue, however one thing my DH has said to me many times is that he wishes he had moved well away from his home town for university.

He lived at home throughout, and whilst he had money (no rent/bills to pay etc) he missed out on a whole chunk of uni life - he didn't experience living in halls with his mates or any of the 'lets go down the SU bar' spontaneity etc.

marialuisa · 09/03/2010 13:50

Having been in a similar situation as the DC I would recommend that your DH arranges a direct debit for whatever amount he is comfortable with to his son and stops paying money to the ex. My dad very generously gave me the amount he had been paying my mother in maintenance every month for the 3 years of my course. If your DSS chooses to live at home his mother can then ask for a conrtibution to housing costs or allow him to live their rent free as her contribution to his uni costs. It is expected (rightly or wrongly) that parents will help their student kids unless they are on a very low income.

ImSoNotTelling · 09/03/2010 14:05

I feel shit now that my parents helped me out. I have always thought I was quite an independent person as well.

I worked in the holidays but didn't get paid very much - my course was 9-5 every day except weds afternoons.

I suppose I could have got a job for sat and sun and evenings but then when do you study and put in your lab hours?

ImSoNotTelling · 09/03/2010 14:15

Actually I don't know why I feel shit I had a great time and enjoyed my degree and my work!

Think I need to log off and go and do something else

As you were.

OP I like bonsoir's take if that's any help.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 09/03/2010 16:54

My parents are divorced and once at uni Dad paid for my 1st year accommodation (direct to uni). For subsequent years he gave me an allowance straight into my bank account.

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