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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

1hr 20 mins on a 'naughty chair' for 3yr old whilst in nursery?

31 replies

MrsJamesMcAvoy · 09/03/2010 10:48

Little boy fell off a chair and as he fell backwards, his foot caught another child under the chin. He was asked to apologise to the child, but didnt as he didnt know what he had done wrong. Subesquently spent 1hr 20 mins on a naughty chair

At ds's nursery. I am worried now about what they consider appropriate disciplin to be. They have an outstanding ofsted report, and the nursery is seriously popular. But even so

OP posts:
stripeyknickersspottysocks · 09/03/2010 10:51

Noway is this appropriate, who said it was 1hr20mins - the staff? I'd be worried as well, infact I'd be looking for another nursery.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 09/03/2010 10:52

Says who? That doesn't sound very believable to me. If it is true, it's completely unacceptable. Even supernanny says it's one minute per year of life!

GetOrfMoiLand · 09/03/2010 10:52

That is truly crap.

Are you sure this happened?

Madsometimes · 09/03/2010 10:54

Given that time out should be one minute per year of age, this is far too long to be on the naughty chair.

I wonder if this really did happen though. I cannot see a three year old sitting on a naughty chair for this length of time unless he was tied in! Did the staff confirm that this punishment was given or did it just seem this long to the child?

Hardys · 09/03/2010 10:54

is that what the nursery told you? Am appalled.

coldtits · 09/03/2010 10:56

I would go in there with a metaphoric flame thrower.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 09/03/2010 10:56

Surely the staff would have explained to the little boy that he needed to apologise to the other child - "When you fell off your chair, your foot caught little Johnny under the chin and hurt him, so you need to say sorry for hurting him, even though it was an accident."

If any nursery thought that putting a child on the 'naughty chair' for 80 minutes was a better alternative than the above, then I would be astounded and shocked, and would be telling the nursery why this was so unacceptable.

Original poster
MrsJamesMcAvoy · 09/03/2010 10:56

I am not supposed to know this. It happened to a child of a member of staff who worked at the nursery.

She was so upset she has now left. She worked in the baby room, the little boy was in the 'older' childrens area. She is a friend of my neighbour.

Both my neighbour and I have a 2 yr old at this nursery.

OP posts:
Mung · 09/03/2010 10:57

Totally inappropriate. How do you know about this? Does the boy's parents know? I would have my child removed and all fees refunded.

Mrsdoasyouwouldbedoneby · 09/03/2010 10:58

Did it really happen? No way could they keep a child on the naughty chair (or time out/quiet time), for longer than 10mins (and most children would barely make it to 3mins!) max... surely in that time there would be some change in routine which would demand moving on. Encourage apologies by all means, but not demand them (esp in the circs described)! Unless the child went into melt down, and the 1hr 20mins was the time used to bring his behaviour round, i.e was returned to time out continuously for various? Still an excessive amount of time tho.

MissWooWoo · 09/03/2010 10:59

I think it's time to remove your dc from this nursery. Appalling and shocking.

Original poster
MrsJamesMcAvoy · 09/03/2010 11:00

Yes it did really happen for so long. The little boy just kept refusing to apologise.

My neighbour has been supporting the boys mum.

OP posts:
tattycoram · 09/03/2010 11:01

I would seriously start looking at other nurseries. Totally inappropriate and out of proportion imo

GibbonInARibbon · 09/03/2010 11:03

If she has left then there is nothing to be lost by asking the nursery to clarify?

Original poster
MrsJamesMcAvoy · 09/03/2010 11:04

I struggle to get ds out of the nursery he loves it- otherwise I would be looking elsewhere.

My neice goes to this nursery, she is 3. My mum asked her if she or ds had ever been on the naughty chair - she said no. She asked if the little boy had ever been on the naughty chair, and named him - and my neice said yes.

I feel like I want to ask them about disciplin - but what context? ds1 went there and he is now at school. I didnt have concerns at all before I knew of this.

OP posts:
Mrsdoasyouwouldbedoneby · 09/03/2010 11:05

Wow... given that they MUST have had a routine change in that time I am surprised!! I'd remove my children if it were me (and report to ofsted).We have had children waiting to apologise (for deliberate not accidental acts), but NEVER that long. In my (not working) opinion, a forced apology is almost as bad as no apology! We only require it in the sense that it re-enforces that a behaviour etc was unacceptable... falling off a chair a bit different tho because it was an accident. I would probably have said, shall we go and make sure X is okay now (after the time out), rather than say, "lets go and say sorry". I.e encourage the child to ask if other child is ok? I mean they must have known after 2/3 time outs he wasn't going to say sorry... after about 5 of them he has probably moved on from what happened! Defo reconsider the setting.

GibbonInARibbon · 09/03/2010 11:06

I would be absolutely upfront and ask them to confirm or deny tbh. As I said she ahas left so there is nothing to be lost by asking about this specific incident.

Morloth · 09/03/2010 11:06

You need to ascertain whether this is true or not and not ex-employee sour grapes.

You are going to have come right out and ask them what their policy on discipline is etc.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 09/03/2010 11:06

Did the nursery staff explain to the little boy that he needed to apologise for hurting the other child?

If they did, and he still refused to apologise, it sounds as if they painted themselves into a corner, and didn't know how to get themselves out of it - if they'd said he'd stay on the chair 'til he apologised, they felt they had to carry through.

And whilst supernanny does only advocate a minute for each year of a child's life, when she starts the process, some children will take well over an hour before they have 'done their time' on the naughty spot/chair/step - perhaps this is what happened?

I have to say that if the child's mum was a member of staff, perhaps, at some point, they should have got her and asked her to have a word with her child.

laweaselmys · 09/03/2010 11:07

I can sort of see how this has happened (if he continually refused to apologise).

It's tough though, if that is not an approach you want for your child, and if you don't like it you should move your DC. Personally I would be begrudgingly okay with it.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 09/03/2010 11:07

That sounds like such a reliable method for finding out the truth.

Chinese Whispers anyone?

laweaselmys · 09/03/2010 11:10

They should have a written policy on discipline you could ask to see it, and then if it says 'must stay on chair until apologised/non verbal apologetic act accepted' or whatever, ask them if there is a time limit on how long they would persue it with the offending child.

Mrsdoasyouwouldbedoneby · 09/03/2010 11:13

Actally yes, was wondering if it were sour grapes. 80mins is sooo long, and wouldn't even be practical for us in our setting. Can see why they did it, just think it turned into an unacceptably long time. I suppose it could happen if behaviours were repeated, but as a 1 incident response it is long...

TBH... our borough even frown on the term naughty chair... so..

If it is confirmed as true, and I would certainly ask, then proceed from their. They might not say much since it is not your child, and even if the other child has left the setting must remain confidential.

Original poster
MrsJamesMcAvoy · 09/03/2010 11:15

Not really chinese whispers - the childs mum was there. She is understandably very uspet. Its not really the best time to be giving up your job if you need to work is it?

My concern is that the sitatuion becomes less about the child/the incident and more staff v's child - a battle of wills if you like and that is not at all healthy.

OP posts:
laweaselmys · 09/03/2010 11:18

80mins is long. I think the most I have done is about 40mins with an older child. But even that (with hindsight) was too long, as they had just got themselves into a state about it, so they needed a lot of 1 on 1 to calm down and relax again before they could go back to play.

80mins could include lots of things. It isn't necessarily all left with bum on chair being barked at to say sorry time, even if the figure is accurate.