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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to ask this mum to provide her fussy dd, with a pack up?

41 replies

girrafey · 08/03/2010 16:50

My dd1 (4) and the girl in question have been friends since nursery, and now go to the same school. Through their friendship myself and her mum have become very close, and i have asked her to be ds and dd2's godmother later this year.
To help her out i have her dd after school every monday and give her tea etc before swimming. This has happened since September, and we have a few issues with this friend. She is the girl that you hope your dd would be friends with. The brightest in the year, can sing, dance, act, swim better than anyone. Very popular, pretty, polite and generally a delight. However my dd1, whom is also quite bright, and enjoys all the activities as well is very much in her shadow and has become very lonely as her friend is very popular at school. We have since encouraged other friendships out of school, other people etc and stopped dd1 going there for tea once a week as i felt it was too much.

i have given this child ( and my 3) roast, nuggets, toad in the hole, scrambled egg on toast, and most meals you can think off.

Tonight was bean and cheese on jackets after checking with her, infront of her mum that she does like it. However tonight like every other night, she ate a couple of bites and then refuses to eat any more. Apart from the fact i have a 1 and a 2 year old, who are FTT and try hard to keep meals easy and not force them to eat, it is hard after only 2 spoonfulls if they copy her and say they have finished, kick off etc.

Aside from the stress with the babies, and the cost of throwing a meal ( which her mum says she likes, and she does when asked) away every week. I am getting pissed off with it.

So Am i being unreqasonable to ask her mum for a pack up? I tell her exactly each week how much she ate, and i know she has to go home and russle up a snack for her after swimmimg as she has a normal healthy appetitie. Her mum tells her off and talks to her sbout it, but she just wont eat here!!

OP posts:
waitingforbedtime · 08/03/2010 16:53

Sorry what does FTT mean?

I can understand you being annoyed if its stopping your other kids eating BUT if she had a packed meal then theyd probably just be distracted by that too?

I would just leave her tbh, she can eat or not and just dont even ask what she likes anymore, just make what you want to.

JaneS · 08/03/2010 16:54

Forgive me, but you sound as if you have a fair few issues with this girl. I don't disagree with you much on the eating issue, but the fact that you gave so much back story suggests you're actually concerned about something else. If you think this child is actually not the greatest friend to your DD, I would worry about that, not about how you feed her.

I could be completely off-mark here, but that's what is coming across, quite strongly, to me.

mememe30 · 08/03/2010 16:55

Could she have a school dinner on Monday and then her mum send her with a sandwich. I would try to just give her a tiny dinner so you don't have much to throw away.

PixieOnaLeaf · 08/03/2010 16:57

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laweaselmys · 08/03/2010 16:59

Give her a very small portion and tell her she is welcome to have more if she finishes what she's been given. That was to your younger DC it will still look like she has eaten more.

Or you could just give the lot of them make your own sandwiches that particular night.

StayFrosty · 08/03/2010 17:03

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

girrafey · 08/03/2010 17:14

Thanks, i think i am stressing over it more because of the other factors. I gave so much info as 1 AIBU by stealth gets frowned on! and 2 to show she isnt an awful child, and that it wasnt just a random mum etc. It is someone i dont want to upset.

you are right there are issues with my dd1, they are competing and my dd1 is struggling with the friendship.

FTT means failure to thrive. They are both very sickly and underweight, so meal times are a stress for me that i use all my acting skills to try and seem calm.

OP posts:
heQet · 08/03/2010 17:43

Instead of dishing up onto plates, why not serve all the food from big dishes on the table and let the kids help themselves? Then you can get that girl to only take a spoonful out of the serving dish, eat it and then get one more etc etc. Sometimes that is less daunting than a plate plonked in front of you.

Added advantage - anything not dished onto plates is saved for next day - no waste.

coldtits · 08/03/2010 17:45

Stop bothering. Maybe she doesn't want to eat as much as you think she should, or as early as you serve food. Children's appetites vary hugely.

thesecondcoming · 08/03/2010 18:18

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Northernlurker · 08/03/2010 18:53

'my friends dd is a right greedy pig' - thesecondcoming you are describing a child here - do you really think that's an appropriate form to use? I hope you don't say that to the poor kid's face?

shatteredmumsrus · 08/03/2010 19:14

it is annoying when guests do not eat when you have paid for it and took the time to prepare it,However Iwoudnt ask her mum for a packed lunch.my ds' friends is a fussy eater and every time he comes i make his favourite-lasagne and he eats it. Why not ask her mum what is her favourite-try that???

thesecondcoming · 08/03/2010 19:14

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Doodlez · 08/03/2010 19:20

Party food.

Butty, sausage, bit of cheese, few crisps, piece of fruit, carton of drink - summat like that. Never fails.

Northernlurker · 08/03/2010 19:28

What I'm saying is that 'greedy pig' is a vile term to use about somebody's child. Children and young people do have large appetites and burn a lot of energy. They eat more for their size than adults do. Counting and judging every mouthful is a great way to give a child issues with food. Do you comment on how much this child eats? Or about how much your children eat?

Hulababy · 08/03/2010 19:32

I would do a platter or bowls of things for them to serve themselves. This always go down well at our place, even with fussy eaters. We go for things like:

  • selection of veggie strips - pepper (orange and yellow are sweetest), carrot, cucumber, cherry tomatoes, celery, sweetcorn, olive, etc.
  • cheese - cut into little cubes or strips, or have babybel type
  • cooked meat
  • dip - such as humous or mayo
  • bread - one of cut up chunks of baguette, sliced bread, pitta, or flour tortillas
  • crisps
  • I sometimes add potato wedges or chips

I also do a dessert one with fruit, meringue, a sweet dip and maybe a handful of chocolate buttons or haribo.

I don't think someone shouting at her or telling her off with help matters. Infact it could make it much worse.

I wouldn't worry about it. She is not your responsibility in that sense. Just offer her food and let mum know what she has had.

Having it like this will also mean your two youngest won;t know how much the little girl has and hasn't eaten, so makes that issue less of a problem.

gorionine · 08/03/2010 19:38

I find that children sometimes say they like something because it sounds like the stuff they have at home but if it does not taste exactly like their mum's version of it they do not like it. I often get that with playdates who stay for tea but it does not bother me. If they eat that is fine if they do not I will offer a toast. If they really did not eat anything I just tell the parents that their DS/DD did not eat much and might ask for food at home. Never been a problem really.

thesecondcoming · 08/03/2010 19:40

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Northernlurker · 08/03/2010 19:53

It is indeed no business of yours so I don't understand why you want to use terms that are so perjorative? Why does it even matter to you? Why do you need to make a judgement about it?

thesecondcoming · 08/03/2010 19:58

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Northernlurker · 08/03/2010 20:07

I'm not worked up at all. I simply don't understand why you think it's ok to be unpleasant about a child you are caring for.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 08/03/2010 20:32

I like hula's approach of the finger food type buffet - then it's not blatantly obvious how much the guest is having

I do think you have to let this go as an issue tbh. It doesn't matter what she eats or doesn't eat (if concerned about waste, serve up a very small amount and make it budget food!)

porcamiseria · 09/03/2010 10:02

I agree , I dont think its the eating that is the real issue here

as a naturally protective Mum you are starting to think that this girl is holding your daughter back, and this resentment is permeating elsewhere I suspect

here is the deal though, your kids mates are never going to be 100% equal to them FACT

they will either be a bit prettier, a bit plainer, unpopular, fat, thin. etc etc

I suspect that if this kids was unpopular you'd still have some concerns that her unpopularity was holding your DD back!!

I also think you know that if you ask for a packed meal it will riase and elevate this issue somehow, but this might cause a ruckus??

I'd adapt a take it or leave it approach with food. in parallel watch your DD to she is she WANTS to be friends with this girl, and in parallel definately encourage other activities to boost her confidence and make new friends? she is only 4 so just a bubba, early days and alot to change!

oldraver · 09/03/2010 16:17

Maybe you need to find a less bright less pretty less all singing dancing friend for yout DD

fallon8 · 09/03/2010 17:28

this kid is used to being top of the pile, just ignore it, if she doesnt eat,just take the plate away,saying nothing,you are pandering to this little prima donna

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