AIBU to ask this mum to provide her fussy dd, with a pack up?

[girrafey]

My dd1 (4) and the girl in question have been friends since nursery, and now go to the same school. Through their friendship myself and her mum have become very close, and i have asked her to be ds and dd2's godmother later this year.
To help her out i have her dd after school every monday and give her tea etc before swimming. This has happened since September, and we have a few issues with this friend. She is the girl that you hope your dd would be friends with. The brightest in the year, can sing, dance, act, swim better than anyone. Very popular, pretty, polite and generally a delight. However my dd1, whom is also quite bright, and enjoys all the activities as well is very much in her shadow and has become very lonely as her friend is very popular at school. We have since encouraged other friendships out of school, other people etc and stopped dd1 going there for tea once a week as i felt it was too much.

i have given this child ( and my 3) roast, nuggets, toad in the hole, scrambled egg on toast, and most meals you can think off.

Tonight was bean and cheese on jackets after checking with her, infront of her mum that she does like it. However tonight like every other night, she ate a couple of bites and then refuses to eat any more. Apart from the fact i have a 1 and a 2 year old, who are FTT and try hard to keep meals easy and not force them to eat, it is hard after only 2 spoonfulls if they copy her and say they have finished, kick off etc.

Aside from the stress with the babies, and the cost of throwing a meal ( which her mum says she likes, and she does when asked) away every week. I am getting pissed off with it.

So Am i being unreqasonable to ask her mum for a pack up? I tell her exactly each week how much she ate, and i know she has to go home and russle up a snack for her after swimmimg as she has a normal healthy appetitie. Her mum tells her off and talks to her sbout it, but she just wont eat here!!

We are still talking about 4yo girls yes? I find the name calling a bit distasteful.

Agree with northernlurker regarding name calling. No retraction on it I see.

OP - as others say, just feed her small bits of what's on offer at a time and then pay no further attention.
Does sound like you could use a break from this arrangement. Does her mum reciprocate with a favour to you?

She is 4. All parents do things differently - your jacket potato might not be teh same as how her mum does it. I wonder if dinnertime is a little bit intense at your house - might make it a bit worrying for a little girl - and my little girl doesn't eat if she is worried too.

Just give her a little bit and don't pressure her. Try to have the same approach with your own - you can't try and rely on others eating well to give an example to your others, you'll drive yourself mad (though I understand why). Agree with others practical suggestions - small amount/picnic party food so it's less pressured.

Also agree you sound fed-up with the arrangement - do you get your turn?

greedy pig used about a child the OP knows AND LIKES and we don't is not offensive. Cripes every one is SO quick to leap on everyone these days.

My friends dd is a greedy little pig too, Mum says it, she says it ,SO BLOODY WHAT

And to the OP I would give a tiny portion so you aren't resentful when she leaves it. Ds has a friend who refuses food, I ask him now if he even wants any

When I saw your title I thought the child had been massively rude about your food for a succession of meals. Instead, I find from your post that she did eat politely, just not as much as you thought she ought to. She has done nothing wrong, lots of children lose appetite when in somebody else's house. Perfectly normal. Just give her less.

You do seem to have very conflicting feelings about this girl. On the one hand, she is expected to set a perfect example to your other children by eating exactly as much as you want them to eat and if she doesn't you resent that. On the other hand, if she is perfect in other respects, you resent that too. This little girl can't win. And she's 4

My ds have two close friends in the neighbourhood who turn up at our house at regular intervals. The elder has never eaten anything I have offered him in 5 years. The younger marches into our house and immediately announces that he is hungry (I believe his parents do actually feed him ). They are both great friends to ds and give him great pleasure. Which is all that matters to me.

DD at this age would usually only have a few bites of a meal. SHe has no food issues, tons of energy etc she just has never eaten a lot and that's always been fine by me.

You've obviously got a lot to deal with with your little ones.

Are you taking this personally? You think she thinks that your food isn't good enough and so rejects it, in the same way she appears to reject your daughter, when there are other children to choose from?

i think fod is an issue and your anxious already about it then someone else comes along and wastes it too but its not wasted if you only put small amount on at a time

i have a little boy who stays with me regularly and barely eats a thing i now only put half of what were eating and make a point of saying you can get down once you have eaten whats on your plate i know this amount of food he can eat

also if you are anxious with you other 2 dc maybe she is picking up on it if it bothers the other children and they then refuse to eat could you do carpet picnic with your dd and friend

but also this girl however you see it is only 4 she may well be good at stuff etc but at this age it really doesn't matter your no better than anyone else and there no better than you so dont look at it in that way your making yourself feel down , friends at this age doesn't go on popularity all children catch up by a certain age my ds is friends with many children with different backgrounds his 4 but i dont look on any as better than my ds or less than my ds just all the same

just give her a much smaller portion (start with a quarter baked potato).

I never worry if other people´s children don´t eat in my house. I will encourage gently, but that´s it.

Still, nobody, including guests can get up until everyone has finished.

Can´t see why this is an issue ?

food

Agree with Cyb.
The term 'greedy pig' round our way is used with affection. I refer to myself, Dh friends and anyone else as a greedy pig if they are in a mood to have a greater appetiate at than those around them at a paticular moment.

[Those easily offended best not come round my place - you get called 'love' as well which also upsets some people not from 'Up North!!]

With regard to the eating issue there are lots of good advice on this thread. I like the help yourself from dishes and be inclined to go with that suggestion.

This is a non issue tbh

My DD eats like a horse but often, when she is at a friends house or out somewhere she is so happy and so busy enjoting herself that she is not interested in food - she sees it as a terrible interuption to her play.

Just put out fingers foods/buffet style stuff or just serve her a smaller portion and assure her that she will not get any pudding or be allowed to get up until both her and your DD is finished .

i wouldn't worry about your DD being in her shadow. Either it is true and this child is hugely gifted in which case that is life and your DD will have to find her own areas to excel at. Or she is just super active and keen and things will even out as the girls get older.

I don't get why anyone has started being unpleasant about this girl. From what the op said she happens to be quite good at stuff for her age and is a very nice child. Calling her a 'prima donna' etc shows a quite bitter attitude when used by an adult about a FOUR year old girl whose only crimes are being good at stuff and not being terribly hungry.

Agree re just giving her a small amount and leaving her be. If she eats more when she goes home it's not your problem, you provided food.
Kids can be very weird about eating at other people's houses.
I don't see why your daughter's friend being popular at school would cause your daughter to be lonely though. Surely if she has a popular friend then the friend will include her, otherwise she's not a friend? That bit doesn't make sense.
I'd just make tea as usual with a bit more for the girl and let them get on with it. Very few people stay friends with their best friend age 4 anyway so long term it's all a bit irrelevent. Your daughter will develop confidence as she gets older and kids change friends alot at primary school, my kids did anyway. I stopped worrying about it and unless they were being bullied just let them sort it out themselves.

The only other suggestion I have is that you start feeding the younger two before you call the 4yo's to the table so you've got a chance to get something in them before the other child comes and picks at her supper.

As to the rest of it can only echo what has been said already regarding smaller portions and so on. Do you want to just stop this Monday night arrangement? It sounds a bit like you do because of all this other stuff but are scared of losing the mums friendship if you do. Am I barking up the wrong tree?