To be made to feel like a bad mother because I asked a question about bottle feeding?

[nougatness]

This is a rant sorry.
We attended our first parenting class on Friday. The subject was feeding.
When I asked the midwife who was running the class how long I should alternate between breast and bottle before switching totally to bottle, she snapped back, 'that babies are little humans and don't follow schedules and that I should be prepared to give up my job like lots of other mothers if the baby doesn't want the bottle'.
She then went on to shoot down in flames anyone who asked anything about bottles!
I am just pissed off that one woman who is supposed to provide support and guidance (especially to people like me who truly have no clue) can make me feel so guilty about the choices I basically have to make, not that I want to go rushing back to work after I just had a baby.
I don't want to go back to the other classes now as it has really made me get my heckles up.
Besides that, I still don't know the answer to the question I asked!
Thanks, just needed a rant.

she said you should give up your job?

were those her exact words?

don't worry about it

my experience was that i went cold turkey with my dd at 3 mnths old for the first two days i mixed my breast milk with the formula, gradually putting in more formula and less of mine, she was totally drinking formuls within about 3/4 days
HTH

OK, let's see what we have here:
breast vs bottle and SAHM vs WOHM

Good luck.

It was completely inappropriate of her to respond the way she did - suggesting you give up work!

Was she a breastfeeding advisor running a breastfeeding class, though? Or was it a generic 'both types of feeding' class. That would affect the type of advice you would expect to receive.

What advice were you hoping for regarding mix feeding and bottle feeding? What would your ideal scenario be regarding how you'd like to feed your baby?

Post again in the feeding topic and you should get some more helpful and sympathetic advice!

To be fair though what she said is true.I had to postpone my return to work because my DS1 wouldn't take a bottle at 6 months and I had been trying since 12 weeks.In those days you could only have 6m off and fortunately my employers were very kind and let me take extra time, but I have heard of others who have had to quit their jobs for this reason.

Must admit I stopped going to my ante natal classes after I got snapped at for asking about epidurals. Mid wife obviously disagreed with them and made it quite clear and in effect wouldn't answer my question properly. Foolishly didn't ask for an epidural until it was too late thanks to being made to feel guilty for even thinking about it and had an horrendous first time.

YANBU to be annoyed. Mid wives shouldn't be inflicting their personal views on pregnant women. They should be there to offer support and advice.

If it's any help some people are just really inflexible when it comes to the breast vs bottle debate and will only ever tell you that the only acceptable thing is breast feeding. a good friend of mine could and would not contemplate bf and would not budge on this at any time even after birth of baby and got no end of grief from mw. My advice is that YOU will know what is best for your baby and you given your own circumstances. Personally I believe that bf is best but if you can't or have to stop well that's life. I stopped after 3 months with no 2 as dh was ill and in hospital and under all the stress I couldn't express and had problems with sustaining milk supply. I don't feel guilty it was just what happened. If you need to go back to work then clearly he /she will be needing a bottle whether that bottle contains bm or formula!

However, in answer to your question both my kids have been introduced to a bottle really early on (i.e. week 1 or 2) even though I was bf - they had expressed milk for one feed a day and it meant there was no problem when I had to go with bottle exclusively. I am sure lots of people will tell you this is no good but it worked for us. Trust your instincts when you meet your child you will know what do to. Keep going to classes - and keep asking questions if you want to.

She basically said that if I wasn't prepared to quit work, I should at least be prepared to express at work. Keeping in mind that I live in another country where there is no maternity leave, mother rooms etc, and that taking 30 minutes away to express (in the crummy, dirty toilets) at a time would be frowned upon by the predominantly (99%) male staff, she told me that I should be proud and 'break down some cultural barriers'. No thanks, I think being a Mum is a big enough job let alone busting down cultural barriers!
Thanks for advice, about mixing and also about the other forum, I will check that out and hope that our baby isn't psychologically damaged from being bottle fed!
Thanks Again.

Good grief-what a strange reply.

What has giving up work got to do with anything?
My mum gave up work & didn´t manage to breastfeed either of us!

"hooe our baby isn't pshcologically damaged from being bottle fed"

yes that is what all pro-breastfeeding people think

(note; i said pro-breast NOT anti-bottle)

YANBU. As you say, these are the choices you have to make. Presumably she thinks all mothers to be simply work for pin money and chats round the coffee machine. Or maybe she realises that some might be the main/only breadwinner and thinks that the family should go on welfare? Not that I disapprove of families on benefits - I'm not the DM and realise the hard choices and lives that people have! But essentially suggesting that you should give up a job, no matter how crucial it might be for you and those around you, is ridiculous and goes way beyond her remit as a MW.

"should be prepared to give up my job like lots of other mothers if the baby doesn't want the bottle"

I read this and thought 'WTF'!!

that is an outrageous thing to say and if I were you I would be making a formal complaint. Have you discussed it with anyone else who was there who might be prepared to complain also

But Bellissima what would you do if,like in my case, your baby simply won't take a bottle, even of expressed milk ?We tried a day of nursery in the hope that he might take it from them , but no.I couldn't let him go all day with no food or drink and no nursery would accept him anyway.

I am pro-breastfeeding and I think you should report her. People should not be judging women on what they do with their own bodies, whether that is breastfeeding, choosing to stop breastfeeding, or choosing to never breastfeed at all.

Well spider I used expressed milk and also ran to the creche straight after work. And I realise I was flipping lucky to have one near by. But if a woman is a main breadwinner (or even not) then I also think an employer should show some sympathy. Going on the dole isn't the best result for anyone.

She was totally out of order.

Your question is a bit of a 'how long is a piece of string?' one though.

It is usually recommended that bottles are not introuduced before 6 weeks to allow breastfeeding to be properly established and aviod nipple confusion. Then I suppose you slowly build up to all bottles if that is your plan.

Thank you for your support - I thought I might be being over sensitive, but your replies have made me feel like I was justified in being hacked off.
My husband was there and unfortunately got on the express bandwagon, until his Mum set him straight, thank goodness.
No, I didn't say anything to anyone else, as I was still processing it and wondering if I was being supersensitive - and out of every woman there I am the only one who works, so everyone else was 'I am going to BF for 12 months', 'until baby can fill out own tax form' etcetec.
When I asked about how they feed the babies in hospital, whose mothers were seriously ill etc, she said that no bottles were allowed in the hospital and that they used a teaspoon to feed the babies.
I will go back as they are the only classes available and hopefully just glean what knowledge I need and try not to get hurt by anything else that gets said.
Thank you again for all your advice. Much appreciated and reassuring!

So in her opinion only working mums choose to bottle feed.

Spiderpig, I was in the same boat as you, DD1 would not drink from a bottle, expressed or not but we are individual cases. Based on the question in OP, there is no reason why the midwife should have answered that.

Make a complaint to the hospital and ask for a response. Her comment to you was inappropriate and unhelpful.

But FWIW I went back to work part-time (2 and a half days a week) when my eldest was only 5 weeks old. She didn't like formula and I couldn't express much. I used to leave her water during the day, plus whatever I could express (a few ounces), then feed all evening, through the night and in the morning before work. She thrived fine - was also a big baby at birth (over 9lbs).

Around the world most women work and most women don't have maternity pay or easy access to formula. Don't think it's impossible in all circumstances for a baby to be breastfed when a mum works, as long as baby is with mum for the majority of the 24 hours in a day.

i think make a complaint
her comment is really out of line
and bottle feeding is not only for working mums anyway, you do not HAVE to bf if you prefer to bottle feed nor do you have to bf exclusive if you prefer to mixed. Some people can be so rude.
I bottle feed mine even though im sahm because i just find it works better, its really not going to harm your child.
If you want to do mixed and then switch to bottle, I would say that if your baby is latching on easily & feeding well you can introduce a bottle fairly early and they wil still be okay to breastfeed, but if they are having trouble with bf and you introduce it then be prepared that they will just switch straight away and not go back. thats my experience from my 2

I'm not entirely sure this isn't a wind up but...

"I am the only one who works, so everyone else was 'I am going to BF for 12 months', 'until baby can fill out own tax form' etcetec"

"hope that our baby isn't psychologically damaged from being bottle fed!"

You are taking exception at what was said to you and if that's truly what was said then rightly so but you need to be careful because the irony is that you're doing the same thing, albeit more subtley. Making dismissive statements about extended feeding and implying things about pro-breastfeeder's beliefs is actually doing the very thing you're complaining about.

The best thing to do in the face of ignorance is educate yourself first, not join in with the criticism of a different way.

Showofhands, I was being super sarccy about the tax form age, but the rest was said - she said that babies that are bottle fed are the children who end up with ADHD, obesity and diabetes as well as feeling psychologically dislocated from their mothers.
But I take what you are saying on board and thank you for the constructive criticism.
I have no reason to be a wind up, I was just looking for some advice because I didn't receive it at the class and I have found the advice here, so thanks to all.

Fair enough nougatness but it's worth bearing in mind that making sarcastic comments about somebody else's chosen feeding method is a little rude and undermines your own argument against your own received criticism.

And it's also worth remembering that dripfeeding of information (suddenly it wasn't a comment on routine and work, it was also linking ff to adhd, obesity, psychological damage etc) is what's called an AIBU by Stealth.

And I'm a little on edge atm as not 24hrs ago a national newspaper had another MNers are all lactivists who harp on about WOHMvSAHM debates and nowt else "article".

For a first post, you managed to hit an awful lot of MN buttons in one go.

Might I suggest if you're interested in feeding support, both breast and bottle, you head over to that topic on here and take advantage of the wealth of information available to you.

No bottles allowed in hospital? That's a bit weird, is this a class in the UK?

For your actual question, my DD started out exclusively breast fed and is now mix fed (19 weeks) - she didn't like the bottle initially but I gave her an ounce of expressed milk in a bottle after each feed (in our case mixed with gaviscon as she has reflux). She was really unimpressed the first week or so, and I would have to do a super quick changeover from breast to bottle so she didn't really notice that she wasn't on the breast anymore but she soon got the hang of it. When I substituted formula for expressed milk she didn't appear to notice. First time I offered her a full bottle of formula she glugged it down and has been like that ever since. So some babies don't struggle that much, so don't worry unnecessarily!

If it's any more help, we used the Tommy Tippee Closer to Nature bottles as they are meant to be most like nipples. I have nothing to compare them to so can't say they are better, but definitely worked for us.