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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWYD - ?

101 replies

elmofan · 06/03/2010 18:32

ds's friend is moving house tomorrow , his parents have gone to see how their new house is coming along & left their ds (10) playing outside & told my ds also (10) to mind him , that was at one o' clock today , i only found all this out at 4pm when i called my ds in for dinner , i then offered this child dinner but he is not allowed to eat in any one's house (he is a foreign child) it is now starting to get dark outside & cold , and he is out side with no coat, hungry but every time i invite him inside for food he says no thanks . two years ago his father asked me to mind him while he took his wie to work (30 mins drive away) & i ended up minding the child for 4 hours & it was 10pm when he knocked in to collect him with no explanation what so ever , in fact he did not even speak just smiled at me when i opened the door & yes he can speak very good English as dh has spoken to him before ,the boy says his house is locked up & he does not know his parents mobile phone numbers , not sure what to do now but my ds cant stay out there much longer , any advice please ?

OP posts:

mumdrivenmad · 06/03/2010 21:07

that hear hear was for Georgimama btw

thatsnotmymonkey · 06/03/2010 21:11

harrump

Original poster

elmofan · 06/03/2010 21:13

I'm back , i have had a chat with x's mum who incidentally came straight to my house after getting out of her car , she was very apologetic , but i invited her in & my DH walked x down to his dad. i told her i was concerned about x telling me he is regularly left alone & also minds his younger siblings when they are both working , she kept saying " no, no this is not true " she says that she is a nurse & works nights mostly & that x minds the younger children in the day time after school while she is sleeping , until his father gets home at 6pm. but my ds has just told me that x's mum is lying as he has often knocked in for x & has to speak to x through the letterbox as x is not allowed to unlock the door while there alone babysitting . i am going to phone up x's school on Monday & explain my concerns as i do not have their new address & i know they are starting in a new school next September , so if i dont do anything now i wont be able to in the future . i dont know if i did the right thing or not ,feel upset & worried .
thank you for talking me through the last few hours .

OP posts:

MmeLindt · 06/03/2010 21:15

That is a good solution, Elmo. Try not to worry about it, you have done good today.

thatsnotmymonkey · 06/03/2010 21:15

poor you, well done.

GoddessInTheKitchen · 06/03/2010 21:16

i think you are doing the right thing elmo, whats the legal age to be home alone? i thought it was 11?

satc2bringiton · 06/03/2010 21:16

OP - I think you absolutely did the right thing and you were very brave. That would of been a very difficult conversation to have.

Also think your plans are spot on.

Portofino · 06/03/2010 21:18

Have the parents come for him yet?

Original poster

elmofan · 06/03/2010 21:22

thanks , feel crap tbh
having a large glass of wine to calm myself , i really hope telling the school my concerns will be enough , but i am hoping that the school he is in now will have to know of the new school he is due to start in september (they do pass on childrens records dont they ? ) . i feel upset at thoughts of not being here for x in the future .

OP posts:

thatsnotmymonkey · 06/03/2010 21:25

They do pass on records to the school,but it might be worth calling your LA,talking to someone in Education Development Services and letting them know what is going on,so then you can be reassured that the info will get passed on. It is all electronic, so his academic records will pass on, but your particular convo with the school may not IYSWIM.
If you can get and app with the FALW,PSA or EAL person, as they are more likely to pass it all on if you talk to them directly.

You did a good thing today.

mumdrivenmad · 06/03/2010 21:27

As I recall, there is no minimum age at which a child can be legally left alone, but the minimum age for somebody to be able to look after someone else is 14.

Original poster

elmofan · 06/03/2010 21:33

thanks thatsnotmymonkey , i will try that , i have arranged for x to have a farewell breakfast with ds tomorrow morning , so i plan to ask him the name of his new school so i can try follow up that the new school knows my concerns too .

OP posts:

cory · 06/03/2010 21:42

There is no legal age to be alone at home: it is up to the discretion of the parents when they think the child is old enough.

Dh and I left our 9yo alone for a couple of hours today. But the difference from the OPs story was:
it was daytime
he was indoors (watching the football)
he had plenty of food
he had access to emergency phone numbers

If the parents are foreign they may not realise how old children are before they are regularly left alone in the UK (for comparison, my Swedish nephew- who is very much a PFB- never attended after-school-clubs after he turned 9: he just let himself in at home and fixed himself a snack and waited for his mum to come in the evenings).

But leaving a child without access to a house/loo/food would count as neglect in anybody's books, I'd have thought.

Original poster

elmofan · 06/03/2010 21:47

cory yes i do think it is a cultural thing in x's case ,
goblinchild x told me they have no other family over here but his parents do have friends (same culture) .

OP posts:

TiggyD · 06/03/2010 22:05

I would report your concerns to somebody.(And I have done something similar in the past). They may be lots of good reasons or excuses for the parents behaviour. Then again there may not be. If you report it and there's nothing wrong you'll annoy people. But if you don't report it and there is something wrong, you might regret it for the rest of your life.

TrickyTeenagersMum · 06/03/2010 22:47

Elmo, I think you did just the right thing. My friend is African and her family had a very different (and to me somewhat shocking) view of childhood. They would have done just the same thing and not batted an eyelid - they left her with foster parents for years so they could get on with their careers on the other side of the UK. Is very alien attitude to typical white British, but even so I don't get the impression he is massively "at risk" in the social work sense of the phrase. Just that they were busy, they assumed you'd step in if anything really bad happened and, bottom line, don't see anything massively wrong with a 10 y o hanging around in the cold on his own for a few hours. My friend explained it to me that "In my country you have children for what your children can do for you in the future, not what they do for you as parents while you are a child."
I'd let it go it I were you. I'm not sure much can be done and it probably would only confuse and upset him to feel bad about his parents' values. Right now he is fully in tune with what they think - that he should do chores for anything good, shouldn't expect stuff for free just because he is a kid.
Still, is a bit of an eyeopener. I often bang on to my kids when they won't help around the house that I stayed in a hotel once which was run with great efficiency by two nine year old girls in Guatemala. Carefree childhood is a real luxury in some cultures.

skihorse · 07/03/2010 09:01

hi elmo, please can you update us about what happens next? I'm sure I'm not the only one who had a restless night worrying about this little boy (and his siblings!).

I'm afraid I don't buy the cultural differences bit... Just because it's OK to bury your daughter alive in eastern Turkey because she spoke to a boy, doesn't make it OK in Maidenhead for example!

For anyone with genuine concerns about child welfare, please, please, please do something! Telling yourself "everything's fine" just because the child is not visibly beaten black and blue is not fair on the child at all.

thatsnotmymonkey · 07/03/2010 09:31

elmo, just wanted to come back and say it must have been very stressful for you, and I hope x has had a lovely breakfast with you and your family. What a nice thing to do.

abbierhodes · 07/03/2010 09:55

Tricky, what a crock of shit.

"I often bang on to my kids when they won't help around the house that I stayed in a hotel once which was run with great efficiency by two nine year old girls in Guatemala. Carefree childhood is a real luxury in some cultures"

So, not only did you turn a blind eye to child exploitation, you actually took advantage of the hospitality it provided?

A carefree childhood is something we should be looking to provide for all children, wherever they are in the world.The point is that these people are in Britain, not Africa, and they are neglecting their children.

"bottom line, don't see anything massively wrong with a 10 y o hanging around in the cold on his own for a few hours"

They're wrong, it's neglect, plain and simple. We don't have to respect everyone's poit of view, sometimes people are just plain wrong.

Original poster

elmofan · 07/03/2010 09:56

hi everyone , i haven't slept at all last night just can not shake off the uneasy feeling i have , when i handed x the roll & orange juice he looked at me & said " my parents are not neglectful you know they didn't mean to be away so long" that broke my heat that a 10yr old child felt he had to explain his parents absence trickyteenagersmum your friends parents seem very like x's tbh , i find it very upsetting that a child feels he has to earn kindness , when he came into my house at first he kept almost ranting that "he is imposing & should not be in here & he should walk around outside on the large green area until his parents came back" i told him i would talk to his parents & tell them that i insisted that x came into my house to get warm & to eat , he seemed to relax then . he is due to come for breakfast at 11am (although my dc's have already eaten as they are early risers) but im sure ds will eat toast with x if when he gets here , i really hope x does come as i need to make sure he was ok last night for my own peace of mind iykwim .
skihorse of course i will update , your post at 19.15 had me in tears i really cannot understand any adult who can hurt or turn their backs on children .

OP posts:

abbierhodes · 07/03/2010 10:14

Elmo, you sound like a lovely neighbour and a great person in general. It is because of people like you that some children manage to escape neglect.

I too find it heartbreaking that I can't wave a wand and give evry child in the world the kind of childhood my children will have. They're not spoilt, or wrapped in cotton wool, but they're loved and sheltered and protected and fed.

I think we need to stop turning a blind eye, stop being afraid to judge. It really does take a village to raise a child...if people looked out for each other a bit more, the world would be a much better place.

Original poster

elmofan · 07/03/2010 10:33

abbierhodes (my dd is named Abbie)
any idea's as to what breakfast to give a child who is not allowed dairy or meat products other than toast with no butter

OP posts:

lljkk · 07/03/2010 10:37

TrickTM: I liked your post & points .

Elmo I think you handled it all extremely well.

Original poster

elmofan · 07/03/2010 10:41

thanks lljkk

OP posts:

spiderpig8 · 07/03/2010 11:07

Elmo I think you did the right thing.A school legally has to pass on any suspicions of abuse they (the school) have about a child.

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