Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect Dh to wake up when the baby cries?

37 replies

PavlovtheCat · 06/03/2010 07:59

DH is great at getting up in the morning with 3yo DD, while I stay in bed a little longer with 14 week old DS as he still feeds a few times in the night, and if i have had a particularly bad night, he will take DS when he wakes for the morning at about 8am and let me sleep in. He does grumble about it, not that he has to get up because of me, but because DD not not stay in bed til late, and because she does not like to doze with us, when she is up she is up. But he does it anyway.

So, from time to time, when i can drag my sorry ass out of bed, i will let him lie in. And this morning, i decided, at 6am when feeding DS that as I was awake, I would go onto the sofa in prep for DD waking, and let him sleep in a bit.

DS normally goes back to sleep after this morning feed, til about 8am ish. I settled him, and said to DH, I am getting up, if DS wakes, try to rock him back to sleep but if not, you will need to bring him into the front room (we live in a flat, this is next door to bedroom, not like down loads of stairs).

at 7:30am DD was up. I was in the kitchen making breakfast and a coffee while she was snuggled on the sofa reading her atlas, when i heard her outside the bedroom and calling 'mama! mama! DS is wake, he is crying mama!' then going through the door (which for some reason she can't open 'its ok DS, mama is just coming for you' (so she knew DH would not look after DS .

DS was indeed awake and crying, kicking, and I went in, picked him up, brought him out, and not one word from DH. Fast Asleep on his side of the bed, in the same position i left him. Or pretending to be.

I am not begrudging him his lie-in. But he should wake up when his son is crying surely? I mean, its not good is it, if you can sleep through a crying baby?

DS, DD and I are not up and DS is in a lovely happy mood with DD, DH is fast asleep and does not even know.

AIBU to think he should have at least been awake and shh'ing DS until i got in there to pick him up? Or AIBU to expect anything from him as he has not got the hormones there to wake him?

OP posts:
shushpenfold · 06/03/2010 08:03

Note to self....close eyes, keep plain expression on face, pretend to be asleep.
Might get away with it.

My DH used to do this too!

Original poster
PavlovtheCat · 06/03/2010 08:08

Thing is, i get that he would do that when we came into the room, as once DD know he is awake, she would jump on him. So i get that part.

What I don't get, is that DS was very awake. And crying. And he had not moved at all to check he was ok. Not a movement as he was in the same position i left him in.

All he had to do, was get up, pass the baby to me and back to bed like I do. He does not quietly slip into the bedroom and take a quietly awake baby in the morning when i stay in bed, i have to get up and bring the baby in, as he does not hear him crying from the front room when he is awake!

He also does not hear DD crying at night time, so i have to go up and see her.

OP posts:
Original poster
PavlovtheCat · 06/03/2010 08:11

It means, if he was asleep, he will be up earlier than he would normally be, as he will be puzzled as to where the baby is so he will come out to find out why he is up and- if i am pissed off .

I am not annoyed at having both the children. They are a joy this time of the morning, and DD is fussing over DS and its lovely, even though i am dog tired. I am about to get ready to go to the beach for the day with both the children, DH not sure if he wants to come so he does not need to get up. I am annoyed that I cannot rely on him to check on the baby while I am busy making breakfast, until i can physically get to him. What if he was being sick?

OP posts:
Honeypeckle · 06/03/2010 08:14

YANBU

Maybe he should get his ears checked..

largeginandtonic · 06/03/2010 08:17

My dh never wakes for a crying baby. He just say's he doesnt hear them.

If i wake him he gets up. By then i am awake!

I think this is fairly normal.

fembear · 06/03/2010 08:19

It is a well-known fact. Men can sleep through crying babies at night but are alert the second a teenager silently opens the front door so they can do their "what time do you call this" routine.

skidoodle · 06/03/2010 08:20

I think, based on my experience, mostly with my dh, that it is perfectly possible that he was still asleep.

I always wake before he does if a baby/toddler is crying.

Like you my lie in involves waking dh up and then going back to bed, whereas his lie in is continuous while I creep quietly around so as not to wake him.

I dunno, I just laugh it off. It seems to be physiological, so not something that can be helped. It sounds like he is a good dh, so not sure this is worth sweating?

Original poster
PavlovtheCat · 06/03/2010 08:23

fembear oh is that right! I shall warn DD when she is older!

He says that to me, 'you should just wake me up and I will go and see to DD' but, by the time i have woken him, he lie on his back saying 'ok i will get up' then snore again, then me nudging 'can you please get up and see to DD' and him saying 'aaaaaaalright!^ and then not moving, then I get up and see to her myself, or force him up, by which time, we are both awake, and both grumpy instead of just me.

I shall just accept that I cannot leave him with DS when he is asleep. DS has a horrid cough at the moment, and does 'choke' from time to time at the moment.

OP posts:
bubblagirl · 06/03/2010 08:36

my dp never once woke if ds woke up crying as a mum i think we never truly sleep deeply were always on alert in case baby cries they did do research and found women will always mostly wake with crying baby and men wake when there is loud noises or alarms intruder noises

i am awake once ds starts anyway and can never go back to sleep so always did get up and haven't had a lie in for 5 yrs nearly its like waking the dead trying to get dp to wake up and waste of time so dont bother can have it all done myself in that time

lillybloom · 06/03/2010 08:45

My HV told me that mum's wake up slightly before the baby starts sleeping as she is genetically programmed to. Dad's sleep through cos they know we will get up anyway!

JackBauer · 06/03/2010 08:49

DH never woke up when DD's were crying, even if they were in the bed with us.
Just kick him and say, 'Oh sorry, I was just leaning over the sort the baby out, did I wake you?'
Won't really help much but will make you feel better about being awake.
And never leave a baby in a room with a man in bed, they won't hear them,.

waitingforbedtime · 06/03/2010 08:59

dh has always been great with ds but if I wanted him up in the night I always had to give him a short sharp nudge x 5!! Also, he even managed in the past to fall asleep when he'd got up so it was easier for me to do it.

girlsyearapart · 06/03/2010 09:04

yanbu but it's the same the country over I think..

When it's my DH's 'turn' I nearly always have to wake him up to tell him to go get the dds or if he gets up with one of them and goes downstairs he rarely hears the other one so I nearly always end up taking them down to him.

Same in the night- dd2 is nearly 18mo and we are trying to leave her to cry it out a bit more if she wakes in the night. I leave her for say 5 mins then go in settle her etc but he can just turn over and fall asleep to the background noise of her screaming

Whereas, regardless of whose 'turn' it is I can't sleep if she's crying..

ps- where do you live that you can go to the beach today?

saramoon · 06/03/2010 09:14

Yes, unfortunately this is the way of the world. Mine are a bit bigger now - nearly 4 and 5 but DH - lovely as he is - would not wake up when they cried at night unless i shook him awake. At times though, I think he might have been awake but just didn't move!

These days he usually has a lie in on the weekends, although we both work he has to get up ridiculously early in the week mornings but when i decide i want a lie in, I have to wake him up and when he eventually gets up, i can have a lie in but am usually too awake to go back to sleep, such is life, it only really annoys me when i am pre-mentrual

Morloth · 06/03/2010 10:01

I am inclined to believe DH when he says he simply doesn't hear the baby crying at night/early morning.

He is a great dad and if I give him a kick and tell him to get up to baby then he does without a complaint, but he says he just never heard him crying.

I don't mind that he doesn't hear as long as when he does know he does his share.

MrsNetz · 06/03/2010 10:13

YABTU a dad hear his child and get up first time?!?!?

Same story always have to wake dh. Always wide awake from then on in! Stubborn I'm afraid it's his turn and he will get up! I've recently been lying in bed and been posting in mn and fb instead if sleeping. Still a rest!

RedRedWine1980 · 06/03/2010 10:18

Another one here who 'couldnt hear' either of his DC... to be honest though he sounds a lot better than my DH ever was with letting you have a lie in etc so be gentle!

skidoodle · 06/03/2010 10:44

"by the time i have woken him, he lie on his back saying 'ok i will get up' then snore again, then me nudging 'can you please get up and see to DD' and him saying 'aaaaaaalright!^ and then not moving, then I get up and see to her myself, or force him up, by which time, we are both awake, and both grumpy"

this sounds SO familiar

LadyOfTheFlowers · 06/03/2010 10:55

DH has never 'been able to hear' when the kids wake in the night.

Am 8m preg with no.4 and he STILL can't hear.

If I was to wake him and tell him, he would go, but it's just easier to go myself seeing as I am awake - much quicker and I don't have a habit of kicking the radiator on the way past and blasphening so loudly as to wake ALL the kids up, causing mayhem.

PrivetDancer · 06/03/2010 11:01

We're the other way round, dh tends to wake up and I don't, even though the monitor is on my side of the bed. When she was a lot younger I was shocked to find a bottle by the cot one morning - dd had been crying so dh had got up and given her some milk and both gone back to sleep. I was completely oblivious

BustleInYourHedgerow · 06/03/2010 11:26

YANBU

I was in labour and the MW was trying to call DP to come in to the hospital. He slept through her calling him for over an hour.

He has never woken up with DS during the night. Last night was the first night he has ever been with him alone (they are in MILs) and I am afraid to ring him to see how it went.

Shaz10 · 06/03/2010 11:29

I thought the same about my OH until one morning he told me he'd been up a few times with our son and I hadn't stirred, I didn't hear him! . So I try not to get annoyed any more [smile}.

skidoodle · 06/03/2010 11:32

PrivetDancer

I hope you did what I DH does and claimed that you were indeed woken up, but that you just decided to indicate your support by snoring and turning over in bed

1Littleboy1Bigboy · 06/03/2010 11:37

sorry but YABU. Its not a lie in if he has to wake up and get up with the baby

FlightofFancy · 06/03/2010 14:46

This makes me feel so much better - my DH is able to sleep through our 8 wk old DS bawling his lungs out. I have so far not pointed out that it's not really true that him doing the 2am feed at weekends gives me a full night's sleep, as I do have to wake him up, then answer his questions on what he's supposed to be doing, how much to feed him etc etc. Then listen to him complain all of the next day about how tired his is, 'I don't know how you do it' etc.
YANBU - you didn't ask him to get up, just to keep an ear out if wake up did occur.