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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to lie to my employers about my childcare arrangements?

39 replies

lechatnoir · 05/03/2010 21:20

....I'm going back to work after maternity leave & my DH is becoming a SAHD. I have purposely NOT told my employers that my husband will be full time carer of our children as I know it would have adversely affected my flexible working request but had to tell them something so said we have a child-minder lined up.

I don't really think it's any of their business & would rather not have lied but 'needs must' & all that.....but on talking to a group of friends today they all seemed to think this is a disaster waiting to happen and if/when they find out I lied it will be seen as a real breach of trust & put question mark over my professionalism, commitment to the company etc etc
Was I really that unreasonable to hide the truth? Should I come clean before I start back?
LCN

OP posts:

jkklpu · 05/03/2010 21:24

It isn't any of their business but I don't really see why you had to go into the arrangements at all. It's a pity you lied and yet why should it become an issue. The only thing your employer should be concerned with is you doing a good job.

rainbowinthesky · 05/03/2010 21:25

I dont see how your childcare arrangements shoudl affect your request anyone.

rainbowinthesky · 05/03/2010 21:25

I mean anyway not anyone

mum2all · 05/03/2010 21:25

Its a bit of a grey area to be honest. When I went back all I said was that I had childcare in place - they don't need to know the specifics do they? You could cover your ass by saying that things didn't work out with the childminder - differences of opinion or something like that and that your husband is temporarily looking after DC so as not to affect your return to work and then a little later say it's working so well he's decided not to return to work? Am not sure where you stand legally tho.

pippylongstockings · 05/03/2010 21:28

Maybe when the time comes a little closer and your flexitime has been authorised you can say that your 'childminder' has fallen through and your DH is now going to be a SAHD.

I wouldn't want to be in your shoes if this sort of untruth came out at work - it only takes one slip of 'Oh my DH and my baby today are......' to start alarm bells ringing.

Original poster

lechatnoir · 05/03/2010 21:31

No of course my childcare arrangement shouldn't affect my request but it most definitely did & I know this based on previous maternity leave/flexible working requests with this same employer!!

OP posts:

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 05/03/2010 21:32

I don't think it is any concern of your employer what your childcare arrangements are in fact I didn't think they were even allowed to ask.
So why should it matter to them who is doing it?

nellie12 · 05/03/2010 21:37

I would'nt say anything. If it comes out then the answer is "oh yes we had a change of circumstances recently"

I would however, not be telling anyone what I was lining up if their reaction is not supportive. Do these friends work with you?

Once you get back then hopefully your commitment will be judged on your work not time in work.

Original poster

lechatnoir · 05/03/2010 21:38

It only matters because I wanted to work a 4 days week with 1 day working from home and leave early the 3 days I am in the office none of which are conducive to the role or the environment so they could quite reasonably and legally refuse my request. I do know however that they need & want me back & my childcare arrangements were the only thing I could 'blame' for these unreasonable requests.

OP posts:

ImSoNotTelling · 05/03/2010 21:41

So they can judge whether she really needs the flexible working pattern she has requested

Parents have the right to request flexible working but employers do not have to sgree to it. The request to flexible working should be backed up by the employee saying how their role will be affected, how they will cover their work, how colleagues will be affected and how any adverse impact can be mitigated etc etc.

ie you resquest it and say "it will be fine guv" and cross your fingers. It is not something that in any way is supposed to be decided based on perceived need ie who is or isn't looking after your kids.

Heated · 05/03/2010 21:43

It's none of their business but if you know it will affect your circs you could tell a 'white lie' later on and say that when push came to shove you couldn't leave dc with a stranger and dh has become a SAHM for a while (well until dc starts school!)

ChippingIn · 05/03/2010 21:51

Exactly what ImSoNotTelling said - with bells on.

It's none of their business how your child/children are being looked after. As others have said, if they later become aware that your DH is a stay at home Dad and ask you about it, then I would just say your circumstances changed and this is what is best for your family. End Of.

Their decision shouldn't be based on your childcare arrangements, but shouldn't & wouldn't are two different things aren't they!!

thesecondcoming · 05/03/2010 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImSoNotTelling · 05/03/2010 22:00

Other problem is that if they are doing it based on perceived need, and OP let's cat out of bag re actual arrangements, they might insist she changes her hours back again.

Yes I know they're not supposed to etc etc but let's face it hardly anyone actually kicks up a stink about this stuff do they.

OP have they asked about the arrangements directly?

Original poster

lechatnoir · 05/03/2010 22:08

No they haven't ever asked but when I submitted my proposal I felt the the need to justify my request as similar had been refused after my last M/leave.

thesecondcoming - I hadn't even considered a baby being at home an issue (although I can't imagine they'll be thrilled!) it was more that my job is quite location specific so working from home isn't an obvious step but I do think it can work. I said I had to be home to do the school run & with my commute this was the only way I could work that day.

OP posts:

elastamum · 05/03/2010 22:15

YANBU. Its none of their business and flexible working should only consider the business need not whether thay think you need it!

When my ex left and I had to get a job I wore my wedding rings until to all my interviews as I worked out from bitter experience that nobody would touch me with a barge pole in a senior job if they thought I was a lone parent. Soon after I was hired I was invited to a company do with my H so I came clean about being on my own. A year on nobody cares, as I do a good job, but if I had been up front they probably wouldnt have hired me!

GoldenTomato · 05/03/2010 22:38

But lechatnoir is saying that her proposed flexible working does potentially adversely affect the business and therefore they would have legitimate reasons to reject her request. It sounds like they have agreed because she is claiming that she couldn't return to work due to her childcare arrangements so they are going out of their way to agree to something they is detrimental to their business presumely because they regard her as a valuable employee they don't want to lose. As it is detrimental to the business they could refuse no matter what the reasons it actually sounds like they are trying to work with lechatnoir based on what she has presented.

The specifics of her child care aren't relevant but the fact that she is saying that due to her childcare she needs these arrangements otherwise she couldn't return/continue in her job which from what I' ve read isn't true. It seems it's a 'would like' situation rather than need.

Having said that I would suggest it's up to you to ensure your arrangements don't adversely affect the company so even if they do find out it they don't have grounds to rescind. In effect it's up to you to build up the evidence that it's working.

mrswells · 05/03/2010 22:55

if your company have accepted your formal flexible working request - regardless of the situation at home this is a permanent change to your T's and C's - so the company cannot make you change your hours back.

You also cannot request a change of hours for a further 12 months - unless your company's policy give more entitlements than the statutory rules.

Original poster

lechatnoir · 05/03/2010 22:57

goldentomato - you're absolutely right it is a 'would like' rather than a need as with my husband looking after the children I don't actually 'need' to be there at all but of course 'would like' to see my children at some point during the week

It's good to hear your views and I think fairly soon after my return I should mention a 'change in circumstance' and hope that I've managed to convince them in that short period that the arrangement is working well enough to continue.

OP posts:

HappyMummyOfOne · 06/03/2010 11:15

I'd be pretty peeved if I was your colleague or your employer, asking to work from home when you know your child will be there any lying about it is plain wrong. You are being paid to do a job not be home with your child.

It could also have a knock on effect, other people will say that they want to do the same and a precedent will have been set by your application acceptance. Also your employer may view all future applications from employees with a view that they are being lied to and it may affect the outcome.

peppapighastakenovermylife · 06/03/2010 11:35

How would people view it if it was the woman staying home with her DC and the male asked for flexible working?

HappyMummyOfOne · 06/03/2010 11:42

I dont think gender has anything to do with it at all. If asking to work from home yet knowing your child will be there is wrong - its not fair on other staff or employers. Fine if s/e as you are not affecting anybody else.

foxinsocks · 06/03/2010 11:45

I think it's poor to lie about this. You have even said it will adversely affect your job at some point so basically your employers have agreed this because they value you and you have taken the piss out of that. I would feel really pissed off if I was them.

I had someone apply for a flexible working request which was accepted as we valued this employee despite her work not being 100% conducive to work from home arrangements. I had my suspicions that she didn't have childcare lined up which ultimately meant she couldn't work from home. After 6 months, it was v clear that her work output had been v adversely affected - I called her in and asked what was going on and she admitted she'd never had childcare lined up and she'd wanted to make more money by working more from home without having to pay for childcare.

Don't lie to your employers, it isn't worth it. An honest conversation about work life balance might have gone down better tbh. As it is, they are bending the rules to suit you and I'm not sure this will go down well when they discover the truth.

foxinsocks · 06/03/2010 11:47

and I think it's fine to work from home (if you can do your job that way) if the children are being looked after and can be out of your way. But if you are being at home to specifically see the children then you aren't working tbh.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 06/03/2010 11:49

the flexible working agreement should be decided based on the needs of the business and you at work - not what is going on at home. It is nothing to do with them.

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