Walking my mother's dog

[LEMisdiscombobulated]

i am going to get my arse flamed to kingdom come but hey ho, here goes

My mums dog is really too big for her (my fault - long story). She generally doesnt struggle with taking him out, but her health is erratic and often she isn;t up to it. She would phone me at the most inconvenient times and ask me to walk him, which of course i would, but id sort of resent it because of the timing etc. ie, when im knackered or busy.

So anyway, she started talking about hiring a dogwalker because she felt she coudlnt cope with him anymore. So i said, dont pay a dog walker, pay me. I offered to do it for £30 a week, cheaper than a dog walker AND she generally gives me random amounts of money because we are a bit strapped. So, it gives me reliable money and i know that i have to walk the dog so i make plans accordingly. Also, she probably would only be giving me that anyway - she can afford it.

So, started a couple of weeks ago, walking the dog in the MINGING weather, i dont mind. At the end of the week, she insisted on giving me £50, i didnt want that much so felt obliged to walk the dog at the weekend. But she insisted. So, im already a bit uncomfortable.

But just recently, she wants to come with me - that drives me nuts, also - wtf?? im now in a position where i am charging my mother to come for a walk with me. I was ill this week so couldnt take him out for three days, she took him no problems.

She STILL insisted on giving me £50 so thats ££50 for two half hour walks - i would have probably done a good hour to two hours had she not been with me!

I just feel a bit patronised, i know she is being kind and generous and the money is more than useful - it will buy DD a pair of school shoes this weekend. But it feels wrong. But if i stop then it will go back to the guilt trip phone calls of XX hasnt' been for his walk today, poor xx. Then its 8pm and im knackered and i dont want to be walking her yeti dog.

Sorry, im a mean spirited selfish cow but does anyone sort of get where im coming from when i think i might tell her i dont want to walk her dog anymore

even worse than a flaming - bored silence!!!

How about charging her per walk? and only for walks where she doesn't come with you. -OK its not a reliable sum, but might make you feel a bit better about it. And tell her when you dog walk you only want to do it in the mornings (or whatever).

err, i've read your posts before and your mum is always giving you money to keep you afloat isn't she? It seems a bit odd to start feeling funny about it now that you're actually doing something to earn it.

but i want to take the dog on my own - stamps feet!

I think LEM was actually suggesting the opposite Kitsmummy.

oh thanks kitsmummy, nice of you to mention that - yes, it is odd isn't it, hence me being a bitch right? I feel funny about it because its too much, i feel funny about it because if she is coming with me, im hardly earning then am i

Also kitsmummy - i do LOADS for my mum and i dont want paying for it, but you could argue that i have earnt the monies that she has given me in the past, which of course i haven't, i do things because she is my mother. I then came up with a solution to her dog walking that sorted our problem, gave her reason to give me money which she would give to us whether or not we needed it tbh so she isnt actually paying out any more. But it just feels a bit wrong taking the money and having her come with, and i dont actually WANT her to come - i know thats selfish but i love walking dogs, on my own!

Well my point is that if you're often ok to take handouts as you need the cash, then you shouldn't feel guilty about doing it when you're doing something to earn it. It's no biggie that she pays you too much for the walking, perhaps she wants you to not feel guilty about taking money from her, as now you're earning it.

I don't mean to sound like a bitch, I mean maybe the fact that you now walk the dog for her justifies her giving you the cash you need.

You have made me feel like a freeloader though kitty - maybe i am taking it the wrong way. I will openly admit that she has bailed us out bigtime in the past but we are ok (ish) now and she still gives me money, she just does. But to be honest, its more the fact that she wants to now come on the walks with me - which IS selfish, because she does my head in, she panics whenever we see another dog etc and just makes the walk stressful. Its less about the money really - or is it? dunno, i guess she would give me about £20 sometimes more, every other week, usually to "buy something for DD" that sort of thing - so she is now giving me more money - but its like she is buying my time and that feels wrong, and annoying and i know i shouldnt feel like it but i do. I know you are right, but its not very nice feeling

kitsmummy shame that was a bit nasty of you do you know lemdis personally. are you following her posts to use aginst her in the future are you MI5 and did YOU shut down MNET today?

"I don't mean to sound like a bitch, I mean maybe the fact that you now walk the dog for her justifies her giving you the cash you need. " Exactly - thats exactly how i felt/feel

But her coming with, insisting on paying when i havent been able to walk him makes me feel like im taking handouts again, which you say i was OK with before, just because ive taken them, it doesn't mean i have EVER been OK with it.

ah, i see my patron saint is here!! Was that YOU Kitsmummy!! I was mid huge post when it went down - grrrrrrr

LeMis take the money.don't feel guilty as dog walking service cost the earth so you are saving her some moola and YANBU I understand your annoyance at dm coming with you. if she employed a pro would she go with them?

Oh God I don't know, this is all going a bit wrong and I'm just about to be picked up to take to the pub and then it will look like i'm being a bitch and then leaving the thread etc etc. Walk the dog, take the money, grit your teeth and walk with your mum. Grin and bear it I think, you're actually earning the money and as you say, it's less than she'd be paying a dog walker, so she's not really paying you any more than the going rate.

he he I am stalking you now LeMis you will never get me off your back now, I have a room dedicated to you in my house like that bloke Jed on Alan Partidge

its ok kits, i dont think you are a bitch - i know where you are coming from, i am however very about you going to the pub - so hang on, BITCH!!!

Kit I am sorry have one on me down pub

im scared now

so she used to give you the money for nothing right? then you offered to walk her dogs for money hoping that it would make you both feel better about the money giving - you are giving back something for the money she gives you, but she still feels able to give you the money, which she obviously feels good about.
It sounds like a good arrangement tbh. Whether or not your Mum walks with you or not shouldnt really matter!
It does seem a bit petty if you are grumbling because you prefer to walk on your own and she is enjoying the company, when you admit that she is in effect paying you a decent amount each week for not a lot of work! I'd suck it up and let her walk with you if thats what she'd prefer!

you are probably right, i shall grow up forthwith

Aw bless your mum she sounds lonely and like she wants to spend time with you

Is there any way you could separate the two things - explain to your mum you want to give the dog a good long trek, so he's well exercised and worn out, and you feel you're earning the money. But if she likes going out for a walk with you, can you make plans to do that with her a couple of times a week, outside of the proper dog walking.

(hope that made some sort of sense)

I can understand that you don't feel comfortable with this arrangement. I don't know your circumstances but if were me I'd feel that frequently being given money (no matter how useful it is) is a bit like being given pocket money, which is ok if it's a child but maybe not a good feeling for an adult. I would feel ok with occasional generosity when financial times are a bit rough, but if that happened pretty regularly I would feel uncomfortable, almost as though it's a wee bit controlling.

Then when you try to put this giving of money onto a better footing, by making it a payment for services rendered, then it should be on the same basis as was proposed Â? that your mother employs you as a dog walker. That would turn that bit of the relationship into a professional one rather than a parent/child one. A paid dog walker would set out specific times for taking the dog out, and would expect to walk the dog on her/his own. Could you suggest this to your mother, perhaps on the basis of exploring whether this is something you could expand into a business of your own? But that it would only work if she also followed the normal rules of employing a professional dog walker.

If you don't think that's a viable suggestion, perhaps you could persuade your mother to stay at home by saying that the dog could become confused as to who it is supposed to listen to when you are both walking with it?

I could well get flamed for this myself (as I say, I don't know your circumstances) Â? but I wonder whether it's not really a case of you growing up, but your mother understanding better how to interact with an offspring who is now an adult.

LEM - I knew this was going to be you when I saw the thread

I found a picture of your Mum Walking Rover

I owed you a link from the other day

I think without 'knowing you/your Mum' some of the replies are what you'd expect (& are reasonable etc).

As I have said before, I understand completely where you are coming from. The money is nice and it makes life a bit easier, bue especially now that you can get by without it, it feels very patronising - like you can't sort your own life out, then you feel beholden to her and you feel 'paid' to be her daughter etc... it's a weird/horrible feeling.

However, maybe it's something you need to get over . I have an older friend (older as in, older than me, not 'older' she's in her 50's, chipping trips over own feet trying to explain...thump), her Mum lives overseas and routinely sends her money. My friend doesn't need it, but as for most people, it's still nice - a bit extra. Her Mum enjoys feeling she is 'helping' and wants to see her enjoy it while she can (ie before my friend gets it all when her Mum dies!). My friend just enjoys the money, feels no guilt - it's a mind set .

The thing is, you are not going to change your Mum (God alone knows what a fortune you'd make from some of us if you could find a way to do that!!!!) - for the rest of her life she is going to be like this (put that knife down now!!) and like some of the rest of us all you can do, is grin & bear it!! Like you, I love my Mum to bits, but she does do my head in!!

WRT walking the dog, why not just tell her that on x-days you are going to walk the dog, you want to get more exercise and want to walk quicker than she is able, but on y days you would love to go for a slower walk with her & Rover. I know, I know, it's a pain in the bum, but she wont be here forever, so sometimes you have to suck up the annoyances and try to make time to be with her - not just run around doing things for her...

... and post here when you feel the need to start digging holes in the veggie patch!!