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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset at being 'defriended' on facebook?

33 replies

foreverastudent · 05/03/2010 00:45

I know it's only a website and I shouldn't let it bother me but I do get a bit when I realise someone has defriended me on facebook.
This has happened 4 times in the past few months. I don't know why any of them did it.

If they didn't want to see my (not particularly frequent) status updates they could have just hidden them, surely?

Isn't it overkill to delete someone altogether?

Don't I deserve an explanation?

Are these people just insensitive s I should forget about?

OP posts:

bernadetteoflourdes · 05/03/2010 00:50

Facebook friends are shallow get some real flesh and blood ones. Or if it really bothers you post an update on your wall about spring cleaning your page and put their names up as friends you have deleted.
This iswhy Ihate FB for kids/

TwoLittlePontipines · 05/03/2010 00:56

I have decided that I don't like Facebook for reasons along the same lines.
Sick of seeing invitations for lunch/tea and cake etc sent out to others in what I thought was my "circle of friends" and finding that I am excluded.

Perhaps these people were just not inviting me cos they know I'm having a rough time at the moment (although, that said and invitation to tea at a firend's would help make things better!) or perhaps its for other reasons, either way I'm sick of letting it get to me and spending too much time trying to figure out why.

If these people were just texting the invitation rather than facebooking it, I would never know about it and therefore would not be bothered by it.

Sorry for hi-jacking your thread.

These people are obviously not true friends, so bugger them!

GoddessInTheKitchen · 05/03/2010 01:17

are they close friends?

because i do a 'clean out' every now and then, anyone i don't 'talk' to much or doesn't do much interesting gets the chop

don't take it too personally (unless they are close rl friends)

LoveoftheDarkroom · 05/03/2010 02:40

Don't worry about it, I regularly go through my friends and delete people I don't talk to. I often get requests from people I haven't spoken to since school but add them to say hi and then if they don't talk to me delete them in a month or so. If they talk to me and comment on my status's I keep them.

Use it or lose it.

I get fed up of selfish posters that will only talk on their own status's and never bother with mine so they go...

It is only a website, if it bothers you ask them why they deleted you??

thumbwitch · 05/03/2010 02:50

oh goody, another reason to ignore FB and not join, thank you! I don't need any other sources of paranoia in my life.

lurkingsnurker · 05/03/2010 05:26

Oh, i've done this in the past - usually where i've accepted a friend request from someone I barely know, or someone I work with, then realise I don't really want these acquaintences knowing all my personal business.

But not real friends, they're stuck with me

So it depends if you really regard them as RL friends, or if they're just acquaintences... if the latter, does it really matter?

EmmaBemma · 05/03/2010 06:32

I do facebook friend culls every so often. It's nothing personal, it tends to be people who have friended me that I don't know very well, and then I never hear anything from. I just like to stay in touch with people who I have some sort of interaction with.

borderslass · 05/03/2010 06:46

I only have family and very close friends on mine anyway.

fiveisanawfullybignumber · 05/03/2010 07:55

Don't worry about it, unless they are a real friend that no longer wishes to speak as well. There are often many other reasons for this.
I recently halved my 'friends' list to only those people who I have an active and positive relationship on there with. After my DSIL used one of my posts to do some major stirring and caused alot of hassle. She went as well!!! Suddenly realised I don't want all these people knowing about my life, only the 40 close friends and family that I've kept.
Sometimes it's not just about you, so don't worry.

SloanyPony · 05/03/2010 08:52

Sometimes people delete their account - so you think you've been disinfriended but in fact they themselves have got sick of facebook and deleted themselves.

So if you were to do the same over this, all your true friends would think you've disinfriended them!

I dont get miffed if I get deleted as I dont add people on facebook - everyone who I have as a friend (bar 2 at the start) were people who added ME. So, if they then delete me (its pretty rare, usually someone who quits altogether) I dont feel like a loser because it was them that wanted me as their friend in the first place, not me imposing myself on them, if that makes sense.

Dollytwat · 05/03/2010 09:03

My nephew 'de-faced' me and I was a bit upset, but then reallised he didn't want his aunt to see what he was up to, which was fair enough.

Don't worry about it, some people decide they only want family on Facebook.

midge161 · 05/03/2010 09:13

I was a bit shocked the first time I noticed that someone had "de-friended" me.
I realised that the first person who did it, being a teenager and not a particularly close friend, probably didn't want me seeing all her day to day chatter.

I was a bit more shocked when I realised that my two step-brothers and another linked person had removed me, but I think one of them is gay and doesn't want me to find out in case I told his Dad (not that I would have even if I had confirmed my suspicions from what was on his page)

I wish I had the guts to knock a few friends off my list as one or two of them have status updates so tedious (....just had a lovely sandwich....) that I can hardly bear to read them!

Flightattendant · 05/03/2010 09:28

Facebook is really difficult.

I have only got abut 20 people on there and sometimes I have deleted people I like very much, because of other reasons...recently I deleted a chap I fancied a bit too much, because he was never on there, never replied to emails or messages and I just felt like he was laughing at me...so I thought 'well stuff you then!' but I still talk to him every day at school.

Another really nice friend was friends with several of the mums at school, one of whom only ever spoke to me when they needed something doing for the ptfa, etc and the other is a complete stirrer. So when I had deleted them, I felt weird being visible on this other person's friends list, so I had to delete her too
It gets complicated. I had to pretend I had disappeared and deregistered when in fact I'm just non searchable.
I was upset when another friend deleted me, I think she left for a while - that was Ok - but then she re joined and didn't add me the second time. maybe she was embarrassed to, I've done that before myself.

I keep wanting to leave it but I have friends on there I would never see in real life, old teachers, etc - it's quite nice really.

StewieGriffinsMom · 05/03/2010 09:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Flightattendant · 05/03/2010 09:30

Just to add about the status thing...there are some people whose status I don't dare comment on, because they have SOOOO many hundreds of friends and are so chatty that I get an endless stream of emails saying what everyone else said on their status, after me, and it gets exhausting! You can't even click 'like' without getting all the updates.

It isn't because I don't want to comment. Honestly

abride · 05/03/2010 09:37

Facebook is for teenagers now. You're not a teenager so don't take it seriously.

Flightattendant · 05/03/2010 09:40

I don't agree, I know teenagers use it a lot and that's fine but it does have its uses. I like having people of all ages on there...I have my old landlord, art teacher, my friend's dad, two cousins I never see, and a couple of people I went to school with.

It's nice. It's just a different way of managing it to most teenagers.

venusonarockbun · 05/03/2010 09:50

Abride - what makes you think Facebook is for Teenagers? I havent found this at all.

venusonarockbun · 05/03/2010 09:51

Sorry -meant to say "Just for Teenagers"

abride · 05/03/2010 10:10

Because the level of interaction it stimulates is that roughly applying to a 14-year-old girl suffering from heavy PMT.

Be honest. Have you read many messages that aren't almost entirely vapid?

2old4thislark · 05/03/2010 10:17

Agree. I 'lost' 2 good friends on Facebook but then discovered they had suspended their accounts as they had become too addicted to it. I have added old aquaintances and then noticed they have disappeared. I don't take it personally as I don't know if they've had a cull or suspended the account. I regularly cull people who I have no interaction with.

However I did get paranoid when I nice lady we chatted to a lot on holiday accepted and then deleted me a week later. Also I noticed an old friend who I've drifted away from on was on Facebook and hadn't added me (we have a mutual friend). Then she rejected me twice which really hurt as I knew her when I was a child and our children grew up together. We haven't had words or falling out so she simply doesn't want anything to do with me - very hurtful!

Anyway Facebook is good when you have family spread out around the world. Good for sharing pictures etc.

Flightattendant · 05/03/2010 10:35

Honestly, yes, plenty. Updates and so on are not usually that serious but sometimes they are. And messages, well I've been corresponding with my best friend who has a very serious illness and I am not able to visit her - it helps me keep up with how she is doing, without her having to email everyone constantly.
That's not what I call 'vapid'.

abride · 05/03/2010 10:37

I wasn't being entirely serious and I do like it for keeping in touch with distant family: I agree it's useful.

But I deleted a lot of people when they just posted updates about what they were going to cook for supper. And anyone who sent me fishes or flowers.

salvolatile · 05/03/2010 10:46

If I delete someone (person from way back when who found me and I accepted to be polite ) will they find out/get a message saying they've been deleted? How will they know? Sorry to be thick....

2old4thislark · 05/03/2010 10:49

No they won't get a message - they may notice that their number of friends have gone down or they may notice your name is missing from their friends list. But if they have lots of 'friends' they prob won't even notice.

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