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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think ex is slightly unhinged

27 replies

sevenkeystomysoul · 04/03/2010 21:43

Sometimes we get on, sometimes we don't, but I've managed to pretty much erase him from my life unless he's actually here to pick up/drop off dd. So tonight, after he has dropped dd off, I get a text along the lines of 'can I come round tomorrow night?', not to see dd, to see me. I text back, 'er, noooo'. Text back, 'Your loss, I have a big dick, etc'. Well, obviously I know about that, I have had a child with him, (am slightly worried about what the 'etc' might be though...) but really, what makes men act like that? Am not affronted or insulted, and definitely not tempted, just amazed that he saw fit to send that text.

OP posts:

ShadeofViolet · 04/03/2010 21:52

Men think with thier cocks!

heQet · 04/03/2010 21:53

"Wrong. You ARE a big dick, so no loss at all."

Original poster

sevenkeystomysoul · 04/03/2010 22:00

Wish I'd thought of that, heQet. ShadeofViolet, they do don't they? What a waste of 50% of the world's population.

OP posts:

Snorbs · 04/03/2010 22:14

"Men think with thier cocks!"

Off you fuck, there's a dear. Some men are self-centered idiots, just as some women are. It doesn't mean that they all are.

Original poster

sevenkeystomysoul · 04/03/2010 22:24

Not some men Snorbs, most men. I've yet to meet a man who doesn't turn into an idiot (and far, far worse) when they allow their 'lower brain' to do the thinking. If you have, good luck to you.

OP posts:

Snorbs · 04/03/2010 22:29

I am one. As are my male friends and relations. If the men you meet tend to be immature, self-centered idiots then it might be worth mixing in better company.

Original poster

sevenkeystomysoul · 04/03/2010 23:00

Your male friends and relations are men??? . I do know plenty of wonderful men actually, amazing fathers and devoted husbands, the company I mix in couldn't be bettered. But it doesn't change the fact that, in general, most men are arses. Just because you are one, doesn't mean you have to be an apologist for the entire gender. That's like me saying, 'I'm a woman, I'm nice, so therefore, all women must be nice.'

OP posts:

Snorbs · 04/03/2010 23:52

I'm not being an apologist for an entire gender. I'm pointing out when someone is being offensively prejudiced.

My ex is a self-centered arse, and I have known a few other women who are also pains in the bum. But I would be unreasonable (while also making myself open to entirely justified accusations of misogyny) to take those real-life experiences and then claim "Women think with their fanjos" and "What a waste of 50% of the population".

Most women are fine as are most men. Sexist put-downs such as those spouted by you and ShadeofViolet are offensive, unnecessary and flat-out wrong.

BitOfFun · 05/03/2010 00:02

Some men are twats. Some women are. Your ex clearly is.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 05/03/2010 00:08

Your ex is taking the piss, obviously, but that's no reason to slander an entire sex. Snorbs is right.

If you've yet to meet a man who doesn't turn into an idiot, I suggest you keep looking.

Original poster

sevenkeystomysoul · 05/03/2010 01:45

BitOfFun, my ex most definitely is, hence him being my ex. Snorbs, first time I've ever been accused of prejudice, v funny really! But you would have a hard time claiming women think with their fanjos because that's very rarely the case, whereas the evidence is all around that men very rarely think with anything else (their dicks, not their fanjos, obvs, that would be an entirely different website). Of course there are many, many good men around, who put their children and their partners first, I only have to look at my dearest friends to see that. And I know that being an arse is not an exclusively male domain, I personally know at least two women whose behaviour makes me ashamed to be human, let alone female. But, you have to admit, as a generalisation, it's men who fuck things up, you only have to look at the relationships thread to see that, let alone RL. For example, documented examples of female to male domestic violence compared to male to female domestic violence are a drop in the ocean (and no, I am not a victim of DV). So it's all very well you harking on about sexism and offensiveness, but I, and many women who come on here (and for whom this site was actually conceived), are dealing with the emotional and financial fallout, for our children and ourselves, from shit men, who couldn't handle being fathers or partners. I'm not a man hater, I'm a woman who adores her child, has changed her life radically to accomodate said child, and is very happy with her lot. Not many men can say the same. Maybe you can, I don't know your history, but your petty peeves about equality, right now, hold no sway. And tortoiseonthehalfshell, I take it you've met your man who will clearly never turn into an idiot, good for you love. Thanks for your good advice, but I don't need to look, me and dd are very happy as we are.

OP posts:

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 05/03/2010 01:50

Oh, goodness, I didn't mean you should look for a man if you're happy single - more power to you, genuinely.

I just don't think it's particularly conducive to progress to just write men off as idiots. I'm a pretty hardcore feminist; I expect the same behaviour and standards from the men in my life as from the women.

Original poster

sevenkeystomysoul · 05/03/2010 02:13

Tortoise, not being rude, but in what way are you a 'hardcore feminist'?

OP posts:

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 05/03/2010 05:38

I'm not offended, but I have never been asked that before (most people are too busy being shocked that I will actually admit to being a feminist in public) so I'm not sure how to answer. Do you mean, what are my credentials? Or what do I believe?

The only thing relevant to this thread, I think, is my belief that gender-essentialist statements like 'men think with their dicks' plays into a wider patriarchal narrative that allows men scope to be excused for sexual assault (it wasn't his fault! they get carried away! it's a primal instinct), suppresses/devalues the female sexual drive and perpetuates various inequalities.

So I defend men against sexism, yes.

But if you're asking me in a wider context, I don't mind answering, I just didn't want to hijack in the service of my own reputation.

CinnabarRed · 05/03/2010 05:47

Sevenkeystomysoul - I'd agree that your ex is behaving like an idiot. But you seem to be a little uncomfortable (i.e. seeming to dispute Snorbs' very reasonable point, although your later post was a very graceful retraction, or asking Tortoise to explain her feminist credentials) - I guess what I'm building up to is: are you OK?

Snorbs · 05/03/2010 09:21

"But, you have to admit, as a generalisation, it's men who fuck things up, you only have to look at the relationships thread to see that, let alone RL"

The relationships thread on MN is, due to the demographics of the site, dominated by female views of relationship issues. Which is fine. But it does mean that it is not a balanced reflection of who "fucks things up" in relationships. Women are just as likely to have affairs as men, for instance, but you wouldn't know that from the relationship section of MN.

I am dealing with the financial and emotional fall-out for my children and myself from an abusive, shit woman who can't handle being a mother and a partner. And I'm a DV "victim" (although I no longer see myself in those terms). The difference between you and I is that despite that history, I don't cast broad-brush assertions that most/all women are just as crap as my ex or that women are a "waste of 50% of the population" to use your charming phrase.

You are, of course, entitled to your view that equality and anti-sexism are "petty". And I'm entitled to point out why I believe your views are offensive and wrong.

bruxeur · 05/03/2010 09:24

sevenkeystomysoul, for example...

GypsyMoth · 05/03/2010 09:28

snorbs,thats right....if you look on the wikivorce forums its women AND men who arre destroying their childrens lives...in equal measure. but the women seem to be doing it more on that forum.

i feel extrememly sorry for some of the men there who have to fight so hard to just see the child they love for 2 hours a week.

Original poster

sevenkeystomysoul · 05/03/2010 09:52

CinnabarRed, I'm fine thanks. 'seeming to dispute Snorbs' very reasonable point'? I think if you look back at his first two posts they were pretty offensive and he got the reaction he deserved. And as for 'asking Tortoise to explain her feminist credentials', I didn't feel this was unreasonable seeing as she suggested I look for a man in one post and described herself as a hardcore feminist in another! Anyway, Tortoise has replied, Snorbs has yet to come down from his soapbox and I have things to do, so bye for now.

OP posts:

mayorquimby · 05/03/2010 09:52

sevenkeystomysoul you are actually a perfect example of how some women are twats in exactly the same way that some men are twats. However I would not try to claim that most women are twats based on you, you should try a similar approach to men.
I mean claiming someone saying "not all men are twats" is somehow an apologist for an entire gender FFS. they don't need an apologist it's patently not true. The ratio of twats to normal people in each gender is exactly the same.

Original poster

sevenkeystomysoul · 05/03/2010 10:01

Just before I go though... mayorquimby, how can you call someone you don't know, posting anonymously on a website, a twat? If you have the capacity to think, why don't you do that for a moment? Makes you a bit of an idiot really, and that's a non-gender specific idiot, just to make everyone happy.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 05/03/2010 10:05

how can you call someone anonymous who is posting on a website 'an idiot'??????????????

OfficiallyMe · 05/03/2010 10:09

Pretty easily in this case....

GypsyMoth · 05/03/2010 10:13

that was to seven keys.....who didnt like mayorquimbys comments to her,but still called mayor an idiot after objecting to being called a twat!!

mayorquimby · 05/03/2010 10:13

relatively easily actually. If they post things like this

"What a waste of 50% of the world's population. "

"But it doesn't change the fact that, in general, most men are arses."

"Not some men Snorbs, most men."

"Just because you are one, doesn't mean you have to be an apologist for the entire gender. That's like me saying, 'I'm a woman, I'm nice, so therefore, all women must be nice.'"

"But, you have to admit, as a generalisation, it's men who fuck things up, you only have to look at the relationships thread to see that, let alone RL."

Then there's a high percentage that they're a bit of a twat and probably not that bright. Hope that helps.
And surely basing my opinions on what someone has written and presented as their opinions when they are posting anonymously makes me far from an idiot. It means that I have formed my opinion with no idea of their real life persona or background so it is unbiasedly based on their opinions alone which are more likely to be their true sentiments as they are anonymous and as such they may not feel the need to self-censor that they may in real life. I have judged you on nothing but what you have written down and posted of your own free-will, explain to me if you would how forming an opinion of someone in this way is anymore idiotic than forming an opinion of someone in the flesh? Especially seeing as so many allowances are made for appalling behaviour of other in real life based on our personal relationships with them or because we like them. At least on here your opinions and arguments stand on their merits alone.

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