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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to interfere? SIL is putting dn to sleep on tummy

43 replies

bracingair · 04/03/2010 20:49

my brother died sleeping on his tummy - this was before the back to sleep campaign. So it is really upsetting me re my nephew. I am inclined to stay out of the way, but would i be unreasonable to say something? (SIL is from dh's side iycswim)

OP posts:

totallydifferenttypeofperson · 04/03/2010 20:52

Given the history, I think you can get away with having a quiet word. Try to avoid sounding accusatory. Be prepared for her to not stop doing it, though.

nannynobnobs · 04/03/2010 20:54

How can she not know about it already? Does she live under a rock?
You know where you are coming from with this. Definitely say something- she can hardly say you don't know what you're talking about.

laweaselmys · 04/03/2010 20:56

How old is the baby? If he is more than a few months I would try and let it go since he will be rolling soon and probably very attached to the habit, if he is newborn maybe mention what the advice is in passing (and your special interest in it).

chipmonkey · 04/03/2010 21:02

Definitely have a quiet word. As others have said, she may ignore you but it might be worth while getting a leaflet from a SIDS association to show her?

kalo12 · 04/03/2010 21:04

interfere - i'm sure she'd like to know if she does'nt already

5DollarShake · 04/03/2010 21:14

Mention something, but I'm sure she knows already - doesn't everyone?

My best friend's little one would only sleep on her tum, so she had months of paranoia until she got passed the danger point, of putting her to sleep on her tum.

It could be that your SIL is only doing it because he won't sleep any other way, so I'd probably be careful to do it as tactfully as possible (although I'm sure you would anyway!).

Original poster

bracingair · 04/03/2010 21:14

problem is that she is from abroad and lives abroad so dont have astrong relationship yet - more cordial. So I dont want to alienate her. On the other hand...

OP posts:

MrsSawdust · 04/03/2010 21:16

How old is the baby?

TottWriter · 04/03/2010 21:17

I don't think she will be offended if you mention it tactfully. You have experience in your family of how dangerous tummy sleeping can be, and can present it as it is - you are concerned because you know full well how dangerous it is. Is there not an equivalent to "Back to Sleep" where she is from? If not, then there is no reason for her to be offended, as you are simply telling her the advice which has saved countless thousands in this country.

Original poster

bracingair · 04/03/2010 21:23

baby is almost 3 months. According to my mum cot death peaks then but havent actually seen this. Just checked with a close friends and in her country there are warnings all over the hospital to put on their backs. There is a education gap between her and her DH to me and Dh so i am really worried to offend. I had a baby 6 weeks before her, and hadnt spoken to her since before my ds was born. . I called her recently but it wasnt a good time for her

OP posts:

mitochondria · 04/03/2010 21:25

It wouldn't hurt to mention the campaign.

Could just be that she has out of date information - my mum said when she had me the advice was to sleep on the front.

I put my first to sleep on his tummy, as he was constantly sick all night and on his back the choking was horrid. I realise I shouldn't have, though, and if it wasn't for the sick he'd have been on his back.

Coldhands · 04/03/2010 21:49

I always see things like this as 'how would you feel if something happened and you hadn't said anything' IYSWIM.

My friend had a photo of her DS's room and the cot had a cot bumper (DS was only a couple of months old). I had recently read that babies under 1 were not advised to have cot bumpers in their cot as there was a risk of them becoming trapped and suffocating. I had to mention it (her DS was sleeping somewhere else anyway so it didn't matter) but I knew that if I didn't say anything and something bad happened, I would feel really guilty. Would rather risk offending someone than have that on my conscience. Although I did know that my friend wouldn't be offended and I worded it as if I was just talking about something I had read, not as if I was saying "you shouldn't do that".

Original poster

bracingair · 04/03/2010 21:52

good point Coldhands. On the other hand this is something i am sure she knows about.

OP posts:

zazen · 04/03/2010 21:55

Most babies are put to sleep on their tummies in the USA.

There are many ways of doing things, and I wouldn't interfere TBH. Apparently it's the moving a baby from one way to another that causes most problems and deaths. If she's used to going asleep on her tummy she should stay going asleep that way. I would say nothing.

I am sorry about your brother, and hope you aren't feeling too stressed about this.

If I had to do something I wouold ask my DP to have a word with his brother, but not to say anything to his DP yourself.

MumNWLondon · 04/03/2010 21:59

My sister weigned up all the risk but put my DN on his tummy as he just wouldn't sleep at all on his back and cried all the time - either stay out of it - or maybe just make comment like its interesting he is sleeping on tummy in UK big campaign to put babies to sleep on back?

Cot bumper is different as there is no need for it all at.

mii · 04/03/2010 22:02

She more than likely all ready has the info and has made an informed decision to put baby to sleep on tummy.

I put mine to sleep on their tummy - I am also fully aware of research/information.

If you really want to talk to her about it you could just say 'oh does X sleep on his tummy then?' and see what she says. You should be able to ascertain from her answer if she knows the facts or not

thumbwitch · 04/03/2010 22:05

if you do decide to bring it up, I would do it in context of your own fears (whether or not you really have them) for your own DC, given the history with your DB. Then you can feel that you have warned her but it's up to her after that whether or not she takes your point.

FWIW - I wouldn't be able to restrain myself - I'd never forgive myself if something happened and I hadn't said anything.

edam · 04/03/2010 22:07

Zazen, I'm worried by your post. The Back to Sleep campaign has saved countless lives - you can look up the stats if you like, they are VERY clear, showing a dramatic drop in the rates of cot death since parents started being advised to put babies on their back.

Am sure I've seen figures (OECD, IIRC) that the rate of infant mortality in the US is higher than in the UK, btw. Most public health outcomes are worse in the US than in other Western nations, tbh, think the Americans came bottom of the Commonwealth study (comparing Canada, US, New Zealand and several European nations - Italy and Norway spring to mind).

ds did not like sleeping on his back at all so I understand how difficult it is. But I don't think posts that may be interpreted as 'it doesn't really matter' are helpful at all. It really does matter.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 04/03/2010 22:11

Can your DH not say something to his brother? No reason you need to be involved then. Sounds more appropriate coming from one brother to another, than from one virtual stranger to another....

Scotia · 04/03/2010 22:16

In this case I would say something to SIL. If she's deliberately doing it against SIDS recommendations there will be no need for her to be offended. If she's not aware of the guidelines she will be grateful. I'm very sorry about your brother.

Original poster

bracingair · 04/03/2010 22:19

problem is brother in law has commented once in the past that i'm a know it all so (when i was saying which grocer was good actually!!).

i dont think dh will want to get involved.... Maybe he can do it in a way that is deprecating towards me in that, bracingair is probably being neurotic but because of her db she is upset...

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 04/03/2010 22:19

my DS would almost never sleep on his back, he always curled onto his side naturally and stayed there. Never on his front and he never rolled onto his front either. It did worry me, but he wouldn't sleep otherwise.

I didn't believe for one second the idea that sleeping on their side causes squashing of their organs - they've been squashed up far more when DS was inside me for long enough! And anyway that's what the areolar connective tissue is there for - to keep the organs in place.

mii · 04/03/2010 22:29

Quite a few people take into account that at the same time as 'back to sleep' came into play so did lots of other advice which working together brought down the rate of SIDS

Not smoking around or in the same room as a baby being a huge factor

Safer co-sleeping advice

I would never never tell someone it is ok to tummy sleep their baby, but it is what I do and I am comfortable with that

zazen · 06/03/2010 01:12

edam, don't be worried about my post!

It's true though that most babies are put to sleep on their tummies in the USA.

And it's also true that there are many ways of doing things, and I feel in this instance - new mummy with a new baby and OP already has a reputation - undeserved or not - as a know it all that I wouldn't interfere TBH.

I read this in a scientific journal: Apparently it's the moving a baby from one way to another that causes most problems and deaths. If she's used to going asleep on her tummy she should stay going asleep that way.

I stand by this - we all have our opinions about everything but not worth alienating a new SIL about really. I would say nothing.

I still feel that I am sorry about the OP's brother, and hope she isn't feeling too stressed about this. I think the OP may be hypervigilant about her brother, and might bebefit from talking it over with someone rather than alienating a new mum (her SIL) with her own fears TBH.

If I had to do something I would ask my DP to have a word with his brother, but not to say anything to his DP herself. I still stand by this advice - it's easy to get too involved with an outcome you desire, rather than looking for the best for everyone.

Many people put their baby to sleep on their tummies - I have read research that suggests it's the moving from one way of sleeping to another at the 3 month stage that causes problems, and as mii posts that there were a lot of other advices given at the time of the Back to Sleep campaigh which also atlered the statistics.

So I would still do nothing, maybe have a word with my Dp's brother. I would have a chat about my DB with someone if I was the OP though.

YanknCock · 06/03/2010 01:17

zazen, my mom was the assistant director of community health programs for the public health department of a good size city in the USA. She was the first of many to remind me 'back to sleep, tummy to play', so if 'most' babies are put to sleep on their tummy in the USA, then it's not for lack of public health officials trying to convince them otherwise!

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