Let's talk about houseguests - pitch in or no?

[LadyBiscuit]

I was brought up in a 'mi casa e su casa' way - ie when you're a houseguest, act like you live there. Help yourself to whatever you like but by the same token, help out.

But I think maybe I've got that completely wrong and that my family is weird.

I have just had two very good friends staying for consecutive weekends. By way of background, one has one DS, one has none. They both work nearly fulltime, both are married (the one with the DS's husband is a SAHD). I am a lone parent of two - one at school and work full time. So I am as busy as they are during the week if not busier. I'm not sure if any of this has any bearing but just to set the scene.

Neither of my friends lifted a finger the entire weekend. They didn't put anything in the dishwasher, they didn't make me a cup of tea, they didn't take their empty glasses to the kitchen, they didn't even make the bed.

I didn't ask them to help because I think that's a bit rude with guests - either they help out if they want or they don't. I don't want to make them feel bad about it. I am hugely fond of both of them and I will invite them to stay again because I love them dearly and we have a lot of fun. But is it unreasonable to think it would be nice for your guests to help around the house or not?

I'm not at all cross, just wondering what is the norm - basically is my attitude a bit odd or is theirs? FWIW I'm not British and they are so it might be a cultural thing for all I know. I suppose then this is a less of an AIBU and more of a AIBO (odd)

I really don't think it has anything to do with nationality it's simply about good manners and thinking of others. The OP mentioned that she's a single parent and has to do everything herself, I wouldn't dream of staying around someone elses house and not lifting a finger. I'd also be pretty angry with friends that treated me this way.

I always offer to do washing up (but REALLY hope the hosts say I don't have to..) Certainly also take plates and glasses to kitchen. I don't strip the bed; kind of feel like that's a bit excessive and maybe a bit interfering... Might offer to chop vegetables or whatever depending on who we are staying with.

I actually do find it a bit annoying sometimes when guests are TOO helpful. It can also be quite nice, when having guests, even very close friends, to be able to escape and do the washing up for a bit - have a bit of time on your own (! is that sad??)

That said, you saying that you would still be clearing up while they all buggered off to bed is a bit That does sound quite rude of them...

I don’t like people messing in my kitchen. Help setting the table and clearing it fine - but I get really annoyed when friends think they are helping by loading the dishwasher etc. Everyone has their own way. I have one friend who basically starts doing the washing up (in her eat in kitchen at her own house) while we are all still eating dessert/having coffee! Very off putting.
As for bed linen - I always strip and fold nicely unless told otherwise. I also always bring a bottle or flowers or both.

It's bloody rude!

I could not in a month of Sundays sit immobile whilst my friend waited on me hand and foot.

When we have guests I enjoy looking after them, I want them to relax and to not lift a finger, it is nice to be asked but I don't expect it and much prefer it if they don't help, it's more work telling people where this plate goes or how to turn the dishwasher on!

Conversely, I always offer help when I stay over somewhere else, but I hope they say no as I want to relax when I'm not at home!

I always help out when I go to other people's homes. I make tea, wash up, stack stuff next to the dishwasher and leave the bedroom I use as tidy as when I went into it.

It's just basic good manners, they're hosting you and putting themselves out, so I help them as much as I can.

Equal give and take is what's important. If you're a guest who likes to relax and not lift a finger, make sure you also host your hosts from time to time, and repay their kindness.

We have a spare room in high demand: it's very heavily used by friends and family, with as many as three successive guests in the space of a week. Most of them will never put us up in return, as they don't have the space for four of us.

If all of our guests were the kind to sit on their bums, we would stop having a guest room. It can be hard work - extra laundry, higher food bills, extra washing-up, extra housework - and a total lack of help would quickly make it feel like running a free hotel.

Thankfully, most are the kind to pitch in, which I think is the right thing to do: all hands on deck

This would irritate me quite a lot. I have people to stay often and they do pitch in (and strip their beds when they leave).

The most difficult houseguest is one who says “Oh gosh, you’ll barely notice I’m there!” Then won’t lift a finger. I had one lady stay who got up really early but hadn’t even made herself a cup of tea because she didn’t like to go through my drawers. I was horrified - she’d been up for ages (and I’m not really a hostess who waits on guests).

Your guests sound very rude and very lazy and very strange IMO.

HOwever, I really don't understand why you cannot very casually ask for help. Seems mad not to. Why would you want to be exhausted when you want to enjoy having your friends over?