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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Let's talk about houseguests - pitch in or no?

59 replies

LadyBiscuit · 02/03/2010 20:20

I was brought up in a 'mi casa e su casa' way - ie when you're a houseguest, act like you live there. Help yourself to whatever you like but by the same token, help out.

But I think maybe I've got that completely wrong and that my family is weird.

I have just had two very good friends staying for consecutive weekends. By way of background, one has one DS, one has none. They both work nearly fulltime, both are married (the one with the DS's husband is a SAHD). I am a lone parent of two - one at school and work full time. So I am as busy as they are during the week if not busier. I'm not sure if any of this has any bearing but just to set the scene.

Neither of my friends lifted a finger the entire weekend. They didn't put anything in the dishwasher, they didn't make me a cup of tea, they didn't take their empty glasses to the kitchen, they didn't even make the bed.

I didn't ask them to help because I think that's a bit rude with guests - either they help out if they want or they don't. I don't want to make them feel bad about it. I am hugely fond of both of them and I will invite them to stay again because I love them dearly and we have a lot of fun. But is it unreasonable to think it would be nice for your guests to help around the house or not?

I'm not at all cross, just wondering what is the norm - basically is my attitude a bit odd or is theirs? FWIW I'm not British and they are so it might be a cultural thing for all I know. I suppose then this is a less of an AIBU and more of a AIBO (odd)

OP posts:

hatwoman · 02/03/2010 22:09

as a guest I'd always offer to help - and the vast majority of my friends willingly accept. as a host I kind of make it clear that they're welcome to treat the house as their own. "please help yourself to anything" and we always show people where breakfast things are (range of kids of different ages/different waking times/ different requirements)and tell them to help themselves to anything at all. so far this has always had the effect of making people feel at home, whilst also making clear it's not a hotel! thankfully all our friends are very similar - the people we have to stay tend to people we've known since forever - and many of them we've shared dodgy rented houses at some stage.

SoMuchToBits · 02/03/2010 22:23

If I stay with other people I would always take cups, plates etc through to the kitchen, and also offer to help with other chores, such as washing/drying up. But I would offer rather than wade in and get on with it, as I know some people like to do things their own way.

Similarly if I have guests, I don't expect them to help much, other than taking a few things through to the kitchen. I do sometimes accept offers for help, e.g.with chopping veg etc, but am wary of accepting washing up offers, as so many people don't seem to rinse everything, and I hate the idea of ingesting washing up liquid.

I suppose I'm a bit of a control freak and don't really like people making free with my kitchen etc, but do try to be as flexible as possible, as I know some people like to help.

Baggy · 03/03/2010 00:40

Don't beat yourself up LadyBiscuit. IME the more aristocratic and disorganised the houseparty, the more likely the hosts are to leave the same sheets AND duvets on the beds for more than one set of visitors, particularly if the second set are kids/ teenagers. The exquisitely laundered all-white bedrooms with piles of unnecessary lacy pillows and 'scatter cushions' plus dinky figurines in Capo da Monte tend to be those of the careful bourgeois.

ScreaminEagle · 03/03/2010 00:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

sunnydelight · 03/03/2010 02:35

We're in Oz and tales of "houseguest from hell" abound as people tend to come and stay for long periods. I personally can't understand how any adult expects another to wait on them - even if I'm just invited for lunch I always help clear plates, ask if there is anything I could do etc. The hosts/hostesses are entitled to enjoy the experience too!

thumbwitch · 03/03/2010 02:56

I would always offer to clear away, wash up, at least stack things by the dishwasher if not put them in (I am also very particular about dishwashed stacking and always assume others are too). Might not think about making tea for someone in their own home (unless they were considerably more hungover than I was), but would certainly offer to help with all meals/snacks etc.

Bed - I wouldn't strip it, but I would make it look tidy; wouldn't necessarily do a full "bed-make" if I knew that the hostess was likely to strip it. I even tidy the beds in hotels, where I know they're just going to strip them later.
Whenever I stayed somewhere on a sofabed, I always stripped that and put the bed back to being a sofa.

I couldn't just sit on my bum and be waited on hand and foot - that would be very hard for me. but when I have guests, there are only certain things I let them do - for e.g. they never get to put things in the dishwasher or away in cupboards - am too anal over those!

So, imo YANBO or U. And I am British so it's not that either.

porcamiseria · 03/03/2010 10:28

personally I am in the "help out camp", its plain weird not to offer some help and tidy up after yourself. Now there are some hostesses that want to do it all themselves, great! But to do NOTHING all weekend is lazy and a bit rude.

I think some tidying, washing up, clearing is fair enough

pranma · 03/03/2010 11:54

My friends and us[sounds ungrammatical but so does we!]have a rule that when we stop over we do nothing except make/strip the bed.That way we get a whole weekend/overight completely off and as it is reciprocal it works very well indeed.

shivster1980 · 03/03/2010 12:02

My DSIL takes a glass of water to bed with her every night - not a crime at all! However last time she stayed for three nights and when we went up to strip the bed there were 3 glasses of water at the side of it!
Sums it up really. I don't expect guests to slave away but I could do with the odd, returning something to the kitchen or assistance clearing the table type of help.

Original poster

LadyBiscuit · 03/03/2010 16:26

That sounds like a good idea pranma only it doesn't work like that with my friends. Oh that it did! I would suggest it only I can't stay with one of them (she doesn't have enough room) and the other one's husband doesn't like me very much so I wouldn't dream of letting her run around after me - it would just add fuel to the fire

OP posts:

waitingforbedtime · 03/03/2010 16:36

When I stay at a friends I just make myself at home but I only stay at close friends house ever anyways tbh. I would expect them to just get up and get a drink / snakc if they wanted one.

MorrisZapp · 03/03/2010 16:38

We have a couple of lovely friends to stay with us once a year and I wish to god they'd stop trying to do housework. I keep saying (with increasing strength) 'No please, really, I actually don't want you to do that' but it is always met with 'oh no! we don't mind!' when in fact it's not that, I just can't relax when somebody insists on whipping away every dish the minute it's finished with, then running it under a warm tap.

Argh! It's my house, it's virtually no extra work really to have 2 guests for 2 nights, I just want to be able to do the housework on my terms and not on that of somebody else's!

So I'd say by all means offer help, and if it is politely refused then gracefully accept that. Honestly, don't say 'oh it's no trouble' then proceed to put dishes away in the wrong cupboards etc. You will seriously outstay your welcome if you do that.

Stigaloid · 03/03/2010 16:41

I am the other way around - if i have guests i dont like them to help out and just wish they would sit down, take a load off and let me get on with things rather than getting in my way. but when go to others i always offer to help out. but if i am told to not worry i sit down and get out of the way

MorrisZapp · 03/03/2010 16:44

Exactly stig. I can't think of anything less relaxing than having to leap up and take care of every single task the moment it presents itself, or of guests trying to do that to save me from doing it. I'm fit and able, and last time I looked, washing four wine glasses instead of two wasn't a taxing assignment.

Original poster

LadyBiscuit · 03/03/2010 16:45

I don't want them putting things away god forbid. But an offer of help or just taking the plates out to the kitchen when we're going to bed so that I don't have to make two journeys would be nice. And they are both very dear friends who I've known for years and years. I think in future I will just not have them back to back - even if they'd been scurrying around carting plates about, I think I still would have been tired. Weekends are usually a chill out time for us

OP posts:

groundhogs · 03/03/2010 16:46

OK you could forgive your house guests (just) for not loading the dishwasher, or making you tea... I mean only just

but "they didn't take their empty glasses to the kitchen, they didn't even make the bed."

FFS, they are out and out lazy.. I'd have been livid.

Not making the bed is just downright scuzzy, and how bone idle does one have to be to not take glasses and cups to the kitchen?

Hmm, I'd be reappraising my friend status with these people if I were you OP...

MorrisZapp · 03/03/2010 16:49

Is carrying two extra glasses through to the kitchen a big job? I'd do this without noticing, and my friends would too. Does it actually matter which adult carried four glasses in their hand?

tummytime · 03/03/2010 16:54

YANBU. Definitely how I was brought up. Although having said that, DH and I have been married for nearly 10 years and only now (with 2 DCs) am I allowed to do anything in MIL's kitchen. I felt awful as she and FIL love Sunday morning lie-ins whereas I'd go for an early run so she used to get up to make me a cup of coffee. I can make it and keep the kitchen tidy. Promise.

Buda · 03/03/2010 16:54

Depends who I am staying with really. Some people I feel more 'at home' with and just pitch in. Unload dishwasher, make tea/coffee, clear table, sweep floor if needed etc. One friend IS particular about how her dishwasher is loaded so I usually just say "I'll clear, you load". She will ask for help serving up food etc but has shouted at me cos I didn't do it fast enough so we joke now that I am afraid I'll be shouted at and I let her do it herself! She was mortified later when she realised what she had done btw!

Always leave bedroom as I find it. Strip bed if I know they need it quickly.

MummyTumble · 03/03/2010 16:54

I'm undecided on this one, and seem to be in the opposite frame of mind to most people on here..... i always say 'help yourself' because i don;t want to be 'on duty' all the time , but in reality don;t expect my guests to come to my house and make me cups of tea, make the meal and tidy up afterwards. The whole point of them coming is so I can make dinner for them etc...I'm not saying not to offer help carrying plates to the kitchen etc...but i'd rather they sat and chatted with a glass of wine than cleaned my kitchen

Blatant laziness is one thing but i'd like to think they have a bit of a break when they come and stay at ours....

When I visit friends I always offer to help and make my bed etc.....and take wine/flowers etc in case you wondered what sort of a house guest i would be too

Original poster

LadyBiscuit · 03/03/2010 16:55

I can't carry four glasses at once. Not a big deal but I suppose it's a different attitude. I don't want people whipping plates away as soon as dinner is finished - far from it. But when you're shutting up shop and going to bed, it just seems a bit odd to me that my friends just walk out of the living room which is littered with the detritus from our evening and go to bed. Like I said, not a big deal and clearly people do have different views - and it's not a British thing either (which is a big relief - I'm always slightly worried I'm doing things wrong).

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 03/03/2010 17:00

Agreed mummytumble. Take a gift, treat their house with respect etc, but there's no neeed to launch a cleaning offensive in their kitchen.

I love making tea etc for guests, it isn't a hard job and I wouldn't notice or care which person out of the four of us carried the cups back through.

I wouldn't invite somebody to stay if I wanted them to self cater.

Original poster

LadyBiscuit · 03/03/2010 17:18

You're not single then MZ?

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 03/03/2010 17:27

No, I have a partner. But I'm quite happy to carry 4 cups on my own, and I frequently do!

Obviously if for some reason I was not as able as my guests to lift and carry then I'd ask them to do it but for able bodied hosts I can't see an issue with carrying a few glasses and an empty Kettle Chips bag to the kitchen.

Am assuming this discussion is about able bodied hosts as it would of course go without saying that if somebody needed physical support then it would be rude not to give it.

Original poster

LadyBiscuit · 03/03/2010 17:39

It's not a big deal at all

I just wondered if it were usual behaviour for English people not do a single thing when you're a house guest as I was brought up to think it was rude but it seems that's my cultural background.

I have found this thread very illuminating. It's one of the things I like about MN - I could never have this conversation in real life.

OP posts:

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