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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to go on holiday without dp?

28 replies

thisisyesterday · 02/03/2010 20:15

because he;s such a bloody misery? apparently going on holiday is sooooo stressful, and he hates it, and we has to watch the children all the time and he'd rather sit at home

so sick of it. every time i mention maybe having a holiday he starts pulling faces and going on about how awful it'll be.

I suggested i went by myself and he said no, because other people will think it's odd.

however, i want a holiday. and i don't want him there if he is just going to whinge the whole time and ruin it for everyone else.
he has already ruined my first holiday plan which was camping in sweden by letting me get it all planned out and then having a big "oh it's so horrible, oh it's so much stress" blah blah blah when i asked him for some input on booking ferries.

OP posts:
Malificence · 02/03/2010 20:21

Just book it, a lot of men seem incapable of enjoying holiday planning and do find the thought of going on hols incredibly stressful for some unkown reason, I'm sure he'll be fine when you actually go away .

How about somewhere with decent kids clubs so you can have some time alone?

Original poster
thisisyesterday · 02/03/2010 20:26

i dunno, last year we went to spain, and one memorable comment was "i wish i was still at work"
everything is too much effort for him. he won't do things he doesn;t like doing, even if the kids like it. he hates sitting with them on the beach, all he wants to do is sit around doing nothing (but not in the sun, and not with the children)

i have just booked a holiday cottage in Norfolk, which will be interesting if it does end up just me and the 3 kids! i'll be dead by the end of it lol

the thing is, if he knows i have booked it he'll insist on coming,a nd then he'll spoil it by moaning the whole time

OP posts:
Lindy · 02/03/2010 20:27

I think there's nothing wrong with going on holiday without your DH/DW. Holidays ARE stressful and I have enjoyed holidays alone with my DS - often visiting family who live in beautiful parts of this country - I can understand that my DH doesn't want to spend his holiday with his in-laws but that shouldn't stop me and DS having a good time. Equally, DH and DS love skiing which I hate - they have a great time away together and I am more than happy with a week of my own company - why waste a lot of money on a holiday and not enjoy it?

paisleyleaf · 02/03/2010 20:33

yanbu and I don't think it's odd when families have separate holidays. Me and my DH have been away separately several times.
It does seem a real shame for you (and the DCs) that he can't do a family holiday though.

Original poster
thisisyesterday · 02/03/2010 20:36

i might see if my mum and dad can come with me.

it makes me sad that he doesn't seem to enjoy spending time with us tbh.
my best friend's boyfriend is absolutely fab with the kids, he'll get down and play with them for hours. i look at him and think, wow, i wish dp were more like that.

i know it's just how he is. but it's still a bit sad.

OP posts:
rookiemater · 02/03/2010 21:43

Ooh my friends DH is like this, would drive me crazy as holidays are something DH and I both look forward to.

YANBU he might buck up his ideas if you book something separate.

ABetaDad · 02/03/2010 22:06

YANBU but I can sort of sympathise with your DH.

Me and DW have travelled a lot in our lives so the world beyond The White Cliffs of Dover is not exactly new and most of it fairly vile. I just tend to think the hassle and expense of it all is not worth the minimal amount of enjoyment on a 2 week break.

DW likes lying by a pool and luxury hotels and the DSs love kids clubs so I am happy for them.

Agree with Malificence Kids Clubs are a big plus and an absolute must. I will not go on holiday without one in whatever location we chose.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 03/03/2010 08:23

YANBU. I would be furious if my dh was like yours. OTOH, me and my dd have had quite a lot of holidays without him due to his work commitments. Mostly this was when we lived in Thailand so very very cheap.

lolapoppins · 03/03/2010 08:30

I travel all over the world alone with ds as dh obviouy can't get more than 4 weeks a year off work, and anyway, backpacking really isnt his thing.

I don't see anything wring with going away on your own if you want to. Lots of people think it's strange though, I have friends who think I am terrible, but dh and I are not joined at the hip and we don't have to have the same interests in everything.

sowhatis · 03/03/2010 08:32

i think its wierd he doesnt want to go away with you. id def ask my parents or some friends to come along and plan it like he isnt going, and if he does go, then set out some 'i DO NOT want to hear you moan' rules or you arent coming!!!

GetOrfMoiLand · 03/03/2010 08:56

He would annoy me hugely if he was my husband.

What is so stressful about holidays fgs? Every day life is stressful, not booking a ferry to Sweden.

Tbh I think he is being very unfair to you. He should stop moaning. I don't think it would be much of a holiday for you with 3 kids and no adult company.

I don't disagree with seperate holidays in prinicple (DD and I are going skiing in Feb, DP is not going as he loathes snow) but I don't think he should be so selfish and ruin precious holiday time by being so childish and complaining about everything.

He needs to get a grip the miserable so and so.

traumaqueen · 03/03/2010 09:01

When I was married we never summer family holidays - there always seemed to be someone who was going on a holiday they wouldn't enjoy. I suspect that for XDH all that contact and responsibility for his own DCs when they were small was stressful - he was used to being at work and me doing most of the child related stuff the rest of the time.

So for him, a real holiday would have been a holiday FROM the children.

Go without him, it's perfectly normal.

groundhogs · 03/03/2010 09:25

Now thisisyesterday, men like that are often pretty lost when they are left to their own devices....

Have you ever gone on holiday without him before?

If the answer is no, then honey, you have to do it - go off, with your mum if you want the company and have the best time ever.... Take a bazillion pics and rub his nose in it show him when you get back...

He'll be utterly lost without you, and miss you all dreadfully.

He might just get over himself and come next year.... but anyway, YOU get the break YOU need and deserve.

groundhogs · 03/03/2010 09:27

Oh yes meant to say, you said to go on your own and he said NO???

So he doesn't want to go, and he doesn't want you to go either... seriously girl, you gotta put that foot down.

Bon Voyage btw!

PestoMonster · 03/03/2010 09:29

I want to do this too, but not sure if I'm brave enought to broach the subject. DH says he doesn't feel the need for holidays and we've spent a lot of money on the house lately.

However, we didn't have a holiday last year or the year before and I don't think I can manage a third year with no holiday

I feel for you. DH is just like yours. Won't play/interact with the dds and doesn't want the hassle of it all.

Prior to having the dds we were avid skiers, but since having them, he refuses to even entertain the idea of a holiday on the slopes as he says there'll be too much argueing and stress.

[fed up emoticon]

BigBadMummy · 03/03/2010 09:32

he sounds depressed to me. That just doesn't seem right, that you would rather be at work than spending time with your family.

I know it happens, a friend mentioned this about her DP, but it seems so sad.

Go without him. My parents always had a week each year when they went away with a friend and I stayed at home with the other parent. Not quite the same as your situation, I know, as we did still have a family holiday too. But going away without your DP can work well so just go for it I say!

KAEKAE · 03/03/2010 09:55

If he won't go then go alone or with your children! I used to do this all the time, we didn't have kids back then, but my DP was the same and so I would go with friends instead. Now we have children, I would still do the same, why should you and your children go without because he can't be arsed!

emsyj · 03/03/2010 09:58

People think it's very strange that DH and I sometimes holiday separately (but also together). One of our friends informed us that it was 'not on' for me to go away with a group of girl friends without DH and that he wouldn't stand for that sort of thing from his wife . So there will be people who will think you are weird but who cares? DH goes for weekends/weeks mountain biking (not my thing) and I go for a week away with the girls once a year (city break, Lakes, week in the sun or whatever) and some years we have a week away together, some years we don't. Nobody else's business. If he doesn't want to go, just say, 'ok, no worries' and then book something and go without him.

scottishmummy · 03/03/2010 10:00

i go for weekend break with female friends fron Uni.we went to paris.no children.no partners just us.wonderful

groundhogs · 03/03/2010 10:01

Some DPs are just miserable buggers I'm afraid BBM. I don't think he's necessarily depressed, some men don't like to be put into situations where they are expected to watch the DC.... WTF do they think WE do for the remainder of the year...

Pestomonster, If DH doesn't need a holiday, and you do, better for you to go on one, and him stay behind, especially if money is not as abundant as you'd like it to be. If you can afford to go, GO!

DON'T let these moaning minnies bring you down, jeez life is too short!

I've just returned from living abroad. I don't want to leave these shores ever again for an awfully long time.

I don't want to have to put up with another nations culture, language or what have you. Not being racist, xenophobic or whatever the right word is, I'm just traumatised from my 3yr sentence stint abroad.

I said to DH that we ought to go somewhere for a seaside holiday, a bit of bucket and spade before DS starts school proper this year. He's agreed, but now got himself a new job. Basically as soon as some money comes my way, I'm booking it! I'm going to the Isle of Wight for the week of my birthday! If DH takes a week off and comes with us, he does, if not, I'll whisk my mum off with me.

If we let our DH/DPs stand in the way of a well earned rest and bit of sun on our faces, then it's a very sad world indeed. It's not like we are asking him to do something goddawful is it?

PestoMonster · 03/03/2010 10:03

Thanks groundhogs, good advice. I shall work on sorting something out this year for sure.

LaDiDaDi · 03/03/2010 10:07

This thread could have been started by me!

Dp has a massive thing about flying and holidays/travel in general. It's not just a dislike, it's full on sweating panic attacks fear. Last year we had to cancel our holiday to Mallorca and change to Centerparcs (which he still found stressful)because of him. I have booked him an appointment for Thursday to see a private psychologist (130 quid for the first hour ) and he knows that if he is not able to come with me and the children then we will be going without him. Harsh I know but I will not have my life and the children's lives limited by him.

Original poster
thisisyesterday · 03/03/2010 12:45

well i am definitely going to go by myself. I have booked a cottage in Norfolk, which has space for a couple of other people, so if my mum and dad can have time off work then they can come.

otherwise pestomonster maybe you should come with us!!!

am not into kids clubs really, I enjoy doing stuff with the boys and i would worry like mad if i wasn't with them and probably not enjoy the time i got to myself!
but we're going to be very busy going to the beach and doing all the local touristy stuff so will be exhausting but fun!

i won't let him stop me having a nice holiday that's for sure.
sadly i doubt he'll miss us and wish he'd come after all. he'll probably have his idea of heaven for a week. no children, no nagging "wife", able to come home eat crap and watch dvd's all evening...

we never travelled before having children. DP gets to go away with work, but never sees much of where he is staying. I have done canada, america and australia before I met him, but there are so many other places I'd love to see, and I think it would be great for the children

someone mentioned depression, and you could be right, I have suggested it to him before because he seems to have no pleasure in life, no interests, can't be bothered to do anything. I've suggested he see a doctor, but he won't.

i guess we have very different needs from our "holidays". i look after the kids 24/7, so for me a holiday means someone helping me with them and being able to relax.
for him a holiday is not having to go to work and being able to sit around and relax.
we can't seem to compromise.
i do think it's weird that he doesn't WANT to doi things with the kids though

OP posts:
RedRedWine1980 · 03/03/2010 12:47

YANBU. If he doesnt value and appreciate the benefits of a family holiday why force himself to go? Ive taken the kids away on my own several times before (I have a friend by the sea side luckily ) and we have had a great time.

mygraine · 03/03/2010 14:42

Well, I'm going away for 2 weeks without DH and I'm really looking forward to it. In fact I'm pretty sure that I will be really appreciated when I get back (he will be in charge of dog and house)
I'm leaving, with my grown-up son, and we're going to visit south India....

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