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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My 7mo dd won't go to Grandma!

31 replies

aj1986 · 02/03/2010 14:23

OK - my 7mo DD won't go to her grandma - my MIL. She sees her at least once a week, and has done from day one... However, DD will actually cry upon seeing her, and look scared for the remainder of the visit. She has relaxed with her about twice that I can remember. MIL is v hurt and I can understand that. What I resent is that I am blamed!
She says that she doesn't see DD enough for her to know who she is. Well I have news for her - it's not stranger anxiety DD is feeling, DD is fine with everyone else she sees (and that is no exaggeration). But MIL just constantly calls now to come round and see DD (when it's really not convenient) so she gets to know her better. I can't put my finger on what DD finds so scary - think it may have something to do with MIL taking her off when she is upset/crying and not giving her back to Mum. When she leans to come back to me, or looks round for reassurance MIL turns DD around or takes her out of the room so she can't see me
It's more of a what to do? I don't want to see MIL more than we do. I do want to tell her that it's only her that she cries with (I know I am BU with that) but I am getting sick of getting blamed for not letting her see her DGD more often and being the cause of her being scared - more of a what would you do than AIBU.....

OP posts:

mamsnet · 02/03/2010 14:25

Tell her that she has done it with other people too.. Sometimes babies decide they don't like beards/ glasses etc.. Does your MIL have a beard?

LisaD1 · 02/03/2010 14:28

Do you like your MIL? I ask because when my DD was the same sort of age she would cry every time she saw my mum, could never work out why until my DH pointed out that he sees me tense as soon as I see her (we get along on the surface but I find her hard work) and DD was picking up on it, could this be happening with your DD?

chandellina · 02/03/2010 14:31

just give it time. once she is playing more and realises how nice it is to get attention from grandma i'm sure she'll come round.
don't make it more personal than it already seems by airing your conclusions about it.

Original poster

aj1986 · 02/03/2010 14:33

mamsnet - haha - now that you mention it.....

LisaD1 - mmm, you might be right, I am v tense around my MIL - we don't have the best relationship in the world, but we make the best of things for DDs sake. I think as in first post, the fact MIL also takes here away from the reassurance of Mum and Dad, intentionally, and tries to comfort her crying may also contribute - but I don't know how to broach the subject without hurting her feelings further! She's very overbearing and quite sure she is going to have things her own way! (which means telling DD she is tired - straight after nap- and clamping DD to her body and trying to rock a screaming baby to sleep!!) Sorry, not meant to turn into a MIL bashing session on my part!

OP posts:

Original poster

aj1986 · 02/03/2010 14:34

chandellina - yes I know I shouldn't say anything to MIL - just don't like being blamed for it I suppose, although as LisaD1 pointed out, it may well be that it is my fault for tensing up with MIL. Relaxing's going to take some doing! I do want MIL to have a good relationship with DD, and don't want to sabotage that - would be nice for her to enjoy her whils she is little.

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 02/03/2010 14:36

I think you need to say to MIL 'she's a bit scared of you because when she's upset and needs me you won't let her come to me. Her mother.'

I know, I know, you can't say it like that. But I would say something similar.

skidoodle · 02/03/2010 14:37

Your husband needs to deal with his mother.

He can suggest to her the reasons your dd makes strange with her and also make it clear that you are not to be blamed for it.

pranma · 02/03/2010 14:41

My dgd1 was like that with me for ages but as she lives in Turkey I put it down to the different cadences of the language.When she was a baby I used to go over 3 times a year so she would know me.By the end of each visit she would be fine then it would start again next time.I think in your case I would tell m-i-l you want to help and suggest m-i-l gets down on floor and plays with baby while you stay in the room.Do that for a few times then pop into another room for a minute then come back.If you keep extending the time it should be ok eventually.Dont wait till your dd can crawl though-she will just follow you.

Bramshott · 02/03/2010 14:42

DD2 was like that with my mother. The tack I took was to try to reassure my mum that it wasn't just her, even if that was stretching the truth (!) and gradually it got better.

pigletmania · 02/03/2010 14:44

I know the feeling, my dd 2.11 was not keen on MIL and would cry when she was there, and when MIL tried to interact with her, it is only now when she is a bit older that she is better though she is still a bit weary of her. DD is not like that with her other grandma which i am embarrassed about. MIL is quite a large lady and does have a serious looking face which might scare DD.

diddl · 02/03/2010 14:47

How does MIL take her off you?

She physically takes her away when you are holding her?

Next time tell her not to as you think that that is what is upsetting her.

SeasideLil · 02/03/2010 14:52

I had exactly the same thing. My MIL is quite big, scary-looking, terrible with children and used to clutch my eldest to her (ample) busom, whereupon she would howl and my MIL would say 'why doesn't she like me?' In the end, I had to just lie that it was stranger anxiety, and intervene a little when she was clutching her or making her sit on her lap when older and say 'she needs a bit of space' 'just leave her for a minute and let her come to you'. Once my DD1 got over the being molested by granny thing, she started to enjoy her company and now she's six and there's no issue. I think you do need to take charge a bit when she is there as the parent and say 'no' if needs be just to give your daughter space, and for the MIL to back off a bit and let your daughter come to her. It will get better though.

Original poster

aj1986 · 02/03/2010 14:57

diddl - sorry maybe wasn't clear - takes her off i meant takes her away to another room/part of the house/outside, when she's upset - anything to avoid giving her to me basically! DP and FIL try to tell her, as do I, but I can't stress how overbearing she is.
I'm just going to have to man up and really put my foot down do that DD is not hysterical by the time I get to comfort her. Although according to DP if I want to comfort or reassure her when with MIL I will turn her into a mummy's girl! Are there times you would let your clearly upset baby be comforted by someone else?

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 02/03/2010 15:02

Never aj1986. You are her mummy. Its your job (or DP's job) to comfort her. Not your MIL's.

Lucyellensmumma · 02/03/2010 15:45

So, your MIL is hurt, so she recognises there is a problem - she just needs to recognise that the problem is with her, and you to a certain extent.

My DD is 4 and is frightened of my ILs, we dont see them often but when we do go there - MIL insists on getting in DDs face, i feel like saying, if you just leave her alone and stop treating her like she is the main attraction in a freak show then she might warm to you a bit, but how can you say that to someone who is just being kind and wanting to cuddle their GD?

But you could just say "why don't we try......."

Tell you what you could try, which goes against the grain a bit, but how about leaving DD with her, just for an hour? I know that my DD can be a bit funny with my mum sometimes, my DD is very clingy (not suggesting yours is) but take me out of the equation and she settles down and they have fun together.

If your MIL were to come and chat to you, ignore LO and just wait til she goes to her or sits with a toy in her lap or something, and not force herself on DD.

Once a week and she wants more? that is UR, she needs to let you get on with your lives

Lucyellensmumma · 02/03/2010 15:48

ignore my suggestion of leaving her with MIL, didnt read your last post about her removing her from the room - the woman is clearly a mentalist

Original poster

aj1986 · 02/03/2010 15:53

She is a tad scary! It's her first grandchild - but acts more like it's her child. I think if she let DD sit with me and interacted with her that way, DD would be a lot more receptive. As it is, we arrive or they arrive, and DD has to be held by MIL the whole time. Literally the WHOLE time!! No look in for FIL. I will try the suggestions, wish me luck!
Tee2072 Thanks for the confirmation. It's how I feel, I'm a Mum, it's natural, but DP and MIL can make me feel like it's me being overprotective!

OP posts:

NinjaChipmunk · 02/03/2010 15:58

my ds really used to kick off when he saw my brother. for no reason. and i mean REALLY kick off, hysterical screaming, turning his head away. didn't do it with anyone else. my brother thnakfully didn't take it personally and basically ignored ds when we came round so ds could then peek at him occasionally and get used to him in his own time. i have no idea what caused it but he did get over it when left to his own devices. now my brother happily chucks him about when they play and ds adores him. it could just be one of those random things you dd will do in her own time. i don't think its particulaly unusual though. maybe your mil needs to back off to give your dd space to work it out? i think your dh should approach her about this though!

Firawla · 02/03/2010 16:01

i had the same thing with my ds1 and pils were the same "he doesnt see us enough, you have to bring him every day" it was really that they would do like u mentioned just grab him and not let him come back to me (i have had to forcefully pull him out fils arms on occasion in order to go home) but now he is fine, theyve learned to back off a bit and dont seem to be repeating same thing with ds2 and all is well.. perhaps your mil will just grow out of it too
i think maybe mil needs to learn to relax with her and stay together with you and play with dd with you nearby. running off with them while upset is ridiculous and not sure exactly what they hope to achieve by it

midge161 · 02/03/2010 16:21

Hi, it might just be one of those things - my 7 mo DD seemed to develop a "phobia" about her Granny at about 4 mo when we left her once while she was in pain with her tum and I think she associates the sight of her with the memory of this pain and screaming for hours.

My MIL is very nice, and had four kids herself so knows what she is doing - although tends not to offer a bottle as often as I would (I reckon feeding whether BF or Bottle often calms DD down) and sometimes she does the "taking baby away to calm down" thing too.

My MIL has very distinctive hair and as soon as DD sees this she starts to scream in horror - but is generally ok (although not particulary "outgoing" as a baby) with other people. Luckily my MIL is aware that its nobody's fault although I am sure she feels a bit hurt as my other little one has always been fine with her.

Can you think of any incident where your DD might have associated your MIL with being in pain, or anything similar?

The only other thing I have wondered about is that this DD is the only one I have BF with any degree of success, till she stopped at about 5 mo - the others all tailed off a bit earlier and had more bottles. She seems very keen to be with me all the time, and I wonder if that might be relevant in your case?

Whatever the reason, I'm sure your DD will get better with time, even if you don't do anything. Good luck!

Original poster

aj1986 · 02/03/2010 16:22

For poor DD it's rather an assault of the senses - we went on Sunday, and PILs have bought every conceivable toy for their house for DD. They all come out, all lights and noises - think it's a bit of over stimulation tbh. I find it really hard to tell her that she is overdoing it - photos are taken EVERY time she sees her - without fail. I don't exaggerate when I say she takes 10 with her camera and a similar amount on her phone camera. With a flash. The whole affair also takes ages, because MIL insists on making loud clucking noises trying to make DD smile. I think the photo thing is ridiculous, but keep my mouth shut. I don't want to hurt MILs feelings, but just want to make the visits more enjoyable for DD.

OP posts:

June2009 · 02/03/2010 16:32

i haven't read the whole thread, but I think we have the same mil...and the same pb with dd. (about the same age)
are you me

Original poster

aj1986 · 02/03/2010 16:33

June 2009 -

Midge161 - think it's a whole series of events, rather than just one. I don't think DD feels reassured in that environment. Will try to get DP to intervene next time - chance will be a fine thing!

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 02/03/2010 16:46

When babies are little you can hand them to anyone and they are happy. At around 4-6 months they start to differentiate between faces, voices etc and understandably they want to stay with the safe. Some babies are more adventurous than others. As they get older they get used to other people and they will be fine with your MIL. Just tell her it is a stage, which it is, she will get over it-the worst thing is to force it. Babies are not machines to be programmed-they have minds of their own!

Tee2072 · 02/03/2010 16:56

I think you need to be up front with her, especially if your DP won't be. Tell her the truth. DD is in overload and she needs to sit quietly with you for a bit and then she'll probably be happy to go to MIL.

Remember, its your job to speak up for DD, as she can't speak up for herself yet. Even if that means insulting MIL. She's an adult. She can take it.

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