...to want to be single again? (It's complicated)

[Obvnotmyrealname]

First off, let me tell you I love DH. We have been together for the last 10 years and well, I love him, but it's grown to be more like the kind of feeling you have for a very close friend or a member of your family... you understand, right? We still feel some kind of attraction for each other and do it from time to time, and it's nice, but that's about it. No magic, no thrill, no mistery... On few occassions we have tried to spice things up (you know, going to Ann Summers and all), but with a toddler at home we usually end up too tired to try anything.

On the other hand, in these ten years I might have changed a bit. I mean, it's still me, but know I have other interests and don't find I have much in common with him. I find the things he likes pretty lame and boring, and even though he tries to like the same things as me, I know that isn't the case. It's not only the things he likes... I actually find him boring. And tedious. Very often I find myself thinking how nice it would be to live on my own, to have my own space, just to avoid listening to his blah-blah-blah the whole time.

OK I feel like a total bitch now. I'll go on...

This feeling has been going on for quite some time. Maybe before our DS who is almost 3, was born, or maybe just after that. I don't know. Deep inside I have always suspected that maybe we weren't so right for each other.

A couple of years ago we met these new friends, a very nice couple with kids the same age as DS. He was a stay-at-home dad and we ended up spending lots of time together, you know, going to the park with the kids, etc. He was awfully good looking too, and impressively clever. Eventually I fell in love with him and for a year and a half, I suffered in silence, keeping it to myself and hoping that the feeling would just vanish. It didn't. Then one day, I told him how I felt. Surprisingly, he was feeling something similar. We even kissed, to see what it would be like (it wasn't quite as I'd expected. After kissing the same person for 10 years, it just felt weird). The next time we met, he put some reason in the whole thing and said we should go back to just being just friends, to avoid hurting our families. I agreed, but of course, that didn't change the way I felt.

I've been miserable and lovesick for the last few months. Then I seemed to get over it, and just wanted to go out and "escape" a few hours a day from home... go to the gym, shopping, etc. Now DH is complaining we don't spend as much time together, and I don't know what to do. I want time for myself, to read, listen to my music, walk alone, etc, and he keeps demanding me to be there. I want to go out with friends again, to meet new people, to flirt ... And I feel very bad about this, because I'm not sure of my feelings anymore and don't know what to do.

I'm a horrible person, I know. I have a loving, caring, handsome and respectful husband and I love him, but I can't LOVE him.

:,-(

Well love, I hope you've got your tin hat on, because the monogamists are going to go beserk on your arse as they invariably do.
However, it's not a crime to not love someone. People do grow apart, and while sometimes they decide that on balance what they have with the current partner will do, sometimes it seems like you just can't bear to live the rest of your life with someone who is harmless but basically bores you. Is your H one of these blokes whose idea of 'marriage' is that the two of you sit in front of the telly together every night? Because that really isn't much of a life for anyone.
DOn't rush into anything. As you have DC, it's worth thinking very carefully and seein what, if anything, you could do to make your marriage happier for you before putting an end to it (taking up a new interest as a family, scheduling a night off from the home for both you and H so you get some different adult company etc). But if you get to the point where you think you;re going to need valium just to keep on getting through the day, then it may be time to try and negotiate as amicable a separation as possible. People do grow apart from each other and some relationships do have a limited lifespan. He may be just as bored as you.

I will agree with sgb, to a certain extent. It's easy to fall in love with somebody else. Somebody that you don't live with. Somebody who isn't your H, somebody you don't know. How hard have you actually tried to work at it with your h. Have you spoke to him about the way you feel, does he even have an idea of how you feel?

YANBU just honest and no one can blame you for that. Explain to him to need more 'me time' and see what he says....

Sometimes relationships just end cause one of you just doesn't feel the same any more. That's sad, but not unreasonable, and it doesn't make you a bad person. It is also fine to want time for yourself but it sounds to me you are using this as a way of avoiding your dh and your feelings.

A word of warning tho (cause I'm like that) - don't fall in love with the 'dream' of being single, be sure you want the reality. Think about how your life as a single mum will be and don't skip the hard bits to daydream over the perfect fellow you don't really know.

You don't have to stay with your dh however nice he is, if it's not working for you but I do think you owe it to him to treat him fairly iyswim?

I feel sorry for both of you - and I know what it's like to love someone on a friendship level and not want to hurt their feelings. However I think it will be more hurtful to just withdraw from him, than to speak to him about all of this... You can ask for advice/opinions on MN, but your DH is the one who really needs to hear this.
The grass is always greener on the other side - there's always the possibility that with the other man, the new or unknown just made you feel alive again and that it wasn't actually love (I'm not trying to be patronising here by the way, I know you're a grown woman and know your own feelings.)
Anyway it's totally OK to want to be single again if the relationship has run its course - not all of them are forever - but perhaps a bit unreasonable to not have had a good talk with your DH and see where his head's at.

am heartened at the measured tone on this thread. it wouldn't be if you were a man, I'm pretty sure.

This does all seem to have kicked in around your pregnancy/the birth of your child. I am biaised but I would seriously consider going for some therapy and working out what is going on before walking away from your relationship. you may still decide to do that, but I think you need to work out what it is that is missing inside of you before you definitively decide that it is your relationship that is all wrong.

i mean your own therapy btw.

And how do I do this 'therapy'?

Do you think I've not talked with him about this? Over and over, until it got to one point it just made him so upset that I ended avoiding the matter and just lying to him when he asked me if I was in love with him. I mean, I do love him, he's the father of my child and I've shared everything with him for the last decade. As for him, he adores me. We've tried to make things work. But life with him is just so... neutral. It's not black, not white, just grey-ish. I'm sorry, I need to feel alive. Which I do when I'm not with him, BTW.

I told him about the kiss, about the other guy, he knows everything, I didn't want to have anything to hide. At first I thought it would be a good idea, all this 'sincerity', but now I just feel I've hurted him so much that I'm just sorry for causing him all this pain.

How can I know if I'm sure? If I have the same recurring thoughts over and over?

I'm also so afraid to leave him. I will feel lonely as hell, and with DS, it won't be easy.

You poor thing - i am willing to bet that lots of us have felt this way, i know i have, 18 years in, shit finances, hard life with a willful four year old DD. Its just not very exciting is it. I KNOW!

I think i could have very easily fallen for the SAHD too, not that you fell for HIM, iyswim, its just that feeling of excitement - the "in lurrrve" chemicals etc.

I think your OH does become like a family member - that is, after all, what he is - and i think its unreasonable to expect to feel "in love" all the time - please don't tell him, not yet anyway - he will be devestated.

Put yourself in this position, your DH comes home from work tonight - sits you down, tells you what you have told us, how would YOU feel? This isn't a dig, its a serious question, would you be devestated or relieved? if you can really look inside yourself and answer that honestly, then i think you have your answer.

Maybe try some new activities - together, something both of you neer thought of doing before?

Do you get much time alone? I know me and DP don't just now and its causing that feeling of lack of intimacy.

I hope you manage to sort yourselves out - FWIW i think you should distance yourself from your male friend, innocent as it is, it is skewing your feelings and as i said, its not him you have fallen for, its the feelings.

I agree with sophable though, this all changed when you had your DS - it could still be PND, seriously, i wasn't diagnosed until DD was 2.5. Maybe a trip to the GP to enquire about some counselling - then at least you get to talk this through, out loud, with someone trained to help you make sense of your feelings.

Sorry didn't realise DH was aware of how you felt/other man etc....
How to know if you're sure? Have you thought of a trial separation? I know the mention of it will hurt your DH, but it could be a way of deciding if it's truly what you want? On the other hand, you could realise you miss DH very much, and it might alone, be enough to put some kind of spark back into your relationship? Sorry I can't be of more help!

Lucyellensmumma: 'Put yourself in this position, your DH comes home from work tonight - sits you down, tells you what you have told us, how would YOU feel? This isn't a dig, its a serious question, would you be devestated or relieved? if you can really look inside yourself and answer that honestly, then i think you have your answer.'

I think that's really good advice! Wish I'd thought of it myself

I think you should split up now, while you can still do it amicably and can co-parent without too much bitterness and disappointment. It sounds like you would split up eventually tbh. How about you cling on for another decade and then he leaves you.. when you though you were the one who was in the position of deciding whether to continue or split up??

Like SGB says, a million people will appear and tell you to grit your teeth and work at it and marriage is not a picnic,,,, and I agree with that up to a point. But I am single and it gets a lot of bad press. The lengths people will go to to avoid being single astonish me!! As though it were less lonely than being in an marriage that doesn't feel right.

You say yourself you feel FEAR at the thought of leaving him. I understand that. But you wouldn't feel as lonely as you think you would. THe loneliest I ever felt was when I was in a relationship. I feel less lonely now.

Here's a question for you. IF somebody could offer to press fast forward on your life or wave a magic wand and make all of the necessary awkwardness, adjustment and upset a thing of the past that was now dealt with and behind you, would you choose that reality??

Because if the answer is yes, then you have to get on with your life NOW, and not put it off.

you see, how to say this without sounding harsh - it could well be YOU that has changed. I guess you worked before DS? but now you SAHM? So, you developed friendship with SAHD because you miss companionship during the day etc? The challenge of your job? I certainly did/do. The "having a laugh" with work mates etc.

What about some outside interests of your own - your DH has his work, something for you - that would follow on that there would be something new and intersting to tlak about with DH.

I don't know, feel very sad for you

Is there ANY way you can get some time together alone? DH and I had 1 night (our first since the kids were born!) away last year, and it was amazing, really reminded me why we got married in the first place.

What made you marry him in the first place? Is there anything your DH could be encouraged to do that might make you look at him differently?

Only you know what you want. I suspect the dalliance with the SAHD is more a symptom of your boredom tha true love, but I guess again only you know.

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to spend time on your own- I would go insane if I couldn't get to the gym/ read/ etc.

You are not a horrible person. If you were you'd be following your instincts rather than trying to resolve the difficulties in your marriage or agonising love them. Beating yourself up for your feelings is not going to help you resolve things and is likely to make you even more unhappy. It just makes the situation worse. Please be nice to yourself.

I fully agree with sophable. You need to talk to somebody.

I could have written your post

I think half of us on here could have written your post!!!

Is this guy still with his partner?

No, you are not a horrible person. I was always a big flirt, never liked to be with the same person for too long, etc. Even now, happily married as I am, I wonder about men besides DH. But I know if I left him for any of them eventually it'd be the same old thing...I'd get tired of that man too, and I don't want to just keep going through guys for the rest of my life. I wanted to be married b/c I wanted that teammate, someone who stands by you and you can make a life with. I knew DH was the only person I could imagine doing that with, so there you are. I'm in love with him, though, so that helps, and from what you've said you aren't with your DH.

I think LucyEllensMama's advice was good. I feel for both you and DH, hope things turn out well.

sorry op didn't realise that you and h had talked about this. Have either/both of you tried relate or something similar. If you have, maybe it could be good for both of you to have a trial separation, test the waters and see how you both feel about the situation then. Sometimes a little distance can reignite the old feelings, sometimes it doesn't and you can move on knowing it's the right decision. Really sorry for you op, as theladyevenstar says, half of us on here could have written your post, I know I could have and I haven't been with my dh for half as long as you.

Go to relate.

Thanks all for the comments, you are so nice! I think I might as well give it a last try. I mean, we have a life together and he's a sweet guy and a great dad. Then there's DS, which is the most important thing in our lives. Yup, will give it another go and maybe get a babysitter so we can spend adult time together. Maybe we could fall in love again... maybe... (don't give me the sceptic look). The thing is that we don't know any friends with children, our families live in another city and we won't trust a stranger. How do you find a babysuitter and know she's the right one? With all the scary stories in the press, I am very worried!

About SAHD, we don't leave in the same city anymore (we recently moved to London), but truth is we keep emailing each other quite often, and of course, we see each other with our kids when we are visiting the family (every 1-2 months). Our emails are nothing romantic, we just discuss books, films, everyday things... but they are quite deep, I mean, he tells me things he wouldn't to anyone else, and the same goes for me. I sort of think of him like one of my best friends. I don't want to give up his friendship, but then, I admit I would be lying if I said that I don't feel anything for him anymore... To make things worse, I am also friends with his wife, and I really like her. We speak everyday on FB and trust each other lots of things as well. She doesn't know anything about my feelings for her husband. Yes, I feel awful, you don't have to remind me how bad friend I am. BTW he's not in love with her and planning on leaving. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't hold that from a friend, but in this case I prefer to shut up. There's a big conflict of interests.

I know that you're going to tell me to stay away from these people, and probably you'd be right. But they are very special and mean so much to me. I also love their kids, they love our. I don't want to stop seeing them :-(

I've just read what I wrote... what a mess!

There's only one thing I'd add to the good advice you've been given and that's to reduce contact with them as it could be really painful.

If you're serious about wanting to work on your relationship then you need to have a good think (maybe with a couples therapist) about why you have such negative feelings about your dh - I can't quite get a handle on why I think this but there seems to be some distance between you? some resentment you have towards them? maybe you don't think he's good enough for you? (which is often about thinking deep down you're not good enough for them)

resentment you have towards him not them?

thank god i'm not the only 1 who feels like this! i have been sitting here all night thinking about how my dp doesn't really understand me,know me etc. and asking myself why am i with him. I'm so glad you've posted tonight Obvnotmyrealname thanks for sharing this, i appreciate this must of been hard for you to write.