...to want to be single again? (It's complicated)

[Obvnotmyrealname]

First off, let me tell you I love DH. We have been together for the last 10 years and well, I love him, but it's grown to be more like the kind of feeling you have for a very close friend or a member of your family... you understand, right? We still feel some kind of attraction for each other and do it from time to time, and it's nice, but that's about it. No magic, no thrill, no mistery... On few occassions we have tried to spice things up (you know, going to Ann Summers and all), but with a toddler at home we usually end up too tired to try anything.

On the other hand, in these ten years I might have changed a bit. I mean, it's still me, but know I have other interests and don't find I have much in common with him. I find the things he likes pretty lame and boring, and even though he tries to like the same things as me, I know that isn't the case. It's not only the things he likes... I actually find him boring. And tedious. Very often I find myself thinking how nice it would be to live on my own, to have my own space, just to avoid listening to his blah-blah-blah the whole time.

OK I feel like a total bitch now. I'll go on...

This feeling has been going on for quite some time. Maybe before our DS who is almost 3, was born, or maybe just after that. I don't know. Deep inside I have always suspected that maybe we weren't so right for each other.

A couple of years ago we met these new friends, a very nice couple with kids the same age as DS. He was a stay-at-home dad and we ended up spending lots of time together, you know, going to the park with the kids, etc. He was awfully good looking too, and impressively clever. Eventually I fell in love with him and for a year and a half, I suffered in silence, keeping it to myself and hoping that the feeling would just vanish. It didn't. Then one day, I told him how I felt. Surprisingly, he was feeling something similar. We even kissed, to see what it would be like (it wasn't quite as I'd expected. After kissing the same person for 10 years, it just felt weird). The next time we met, he put some reason in the whole thing and said we should go back to just being just friends, to avoid hurting our families. I agreed, but of course, that didn't change the way I felt.

I've been miserable and lovesick for the last few months. Then I seemed to get over it, and just wanted to go out and "escape" a few hours a day from home... go to the gym, shopping, etc. Now DH is complaining we don't spend as much time together, and I don't know what to do. I want time for myself, to read, listen to my music, walk alone, etc, and he keeps demanding me to be there. I want to go out with friends again, to meet new people, to flirt ... And I feel very bad about this, because I'm not sure of my feelings anymore and don't know what to do.

I'm a horrible person, I know. I have a loving, caring, handsome and respectful husband and I love him, but I can't LOVE him.

:,-(

Wow Laurie, I had never thought of that. Maybe I think he's not good for me and I'm not good enough for them? Well, that sounds strange, but why not?

The thing with DH is that he always bores me to death. He likes simple things (films, friends, a beer, spending time with us... nothing too complicated). Whenever he talks about something I: 1) know already what he's going to say or 2) usually don't care too much about it and find his speach slow and boring. Yep, not a very nice thing to say, I know. And yes, it's always been like that. I just thought it wasn't that important as long as we had common goals and loved (liked) each other.

With SAHD it is different. He's really brainy, almost nerdy. He's read lots of books, he knows lots of things. He has a wicked sense of humour and oh, did I mention he's insanely good looking? We could go on hours and hours talking about nothing and everything, and it just feels so right. Of course, he's not Mr. Perfect, and one of the things I dislike the most about him is the way he talks to me about his wife. She's very sweet and clever too, and he can sound so selfish sometimes.

As for their kids, I absolutely adore them. It would break my heart not to see them grow.

mummysgoingmad, I just needed to tell somebody. I have been keeping it in for so long that I'd started doing negative things, like punishing myself in the gym, abusing cosmetic treatements, or shopping way too much... you know, weird stuff. Especially with a kid, I feel so guilty for him as well, because I think I am distrated and failing him as a mummy.

Somehow I think that being single I would clear my mind, sort things out and see what my priorities are. I would have space for myself and not have to deal with DH's presence, which, although harmless, has become really tedious. And, why not say it, I feel like I am cheating him and myself for not being able to love him properly.

Did you always find your DH boring, even before things went wrong?

I think therapy is a good idea, either to work out why your feelings went wrong, or to work out why you married someone who bores you half to death. Or both. www.bacp.co.uk have a directory of therapists, I think UKCP does, too.

I think it is really easy to think you want time away and to yourself and all that but I do think it is because you have had your head turned. Remember SAHD is married and he kissed you! That doesn't say an awful lot about the man, and who says you are the first? Perhaps he has a line in pulling bored mummies, your revelation about your feelings was hardly a suprise was it? The worst thing is if he had not put the brakes on you would have gone further i expect - so thank God he wised up in time. In denying yourselves, it doesn't make it romantic and noble it just makes sense. You can't always have what you want - sometimes the price is too high.

In a way it is good you confided in DH but really what you have done is just unloaded on him to releive yourself of the guilt and maybe to force his hand? I think you have a lot to lose and that you should both go and get some couples counselling to try hard to put hings back on track. You have hurt your DH so you need to be really kind and help him.

I really hope that you are not harbouring any fantasies about SAHD galloping into your life if you are single. You are lovesick because you want something you cannot have, so suck it up and try really hard to make things work. Splitting up a family is all very well but this is not just about you.

I do feel if you were a chap the response here would be different.

Why did you fall in love with him in the first place? Did you ever love him? You are obviously taken by SAHD by the way you talk about him, you do sound like you're in the throes of lust but although you mention it, he sounds like a prick.

His wife is your friend and yet he talks to you about her. He wants to leave her? Why hasn't he? It's probable you are lapping up all his positives, and ignoring the negatives. I'm not denying some people do fall in love with others, leave their current partners and live a happy life, but what you are doing is not just about you. What about his wife? His children? You say you like her yet you are obviously harbouring serious feelings for your husband.

I dread women like you coming in to my life, and I'm not trying to make you feel bad but look clearly at what you're doing. Imagine some woman comes in to your home, friends with both you and your dh she smiles at you, laughs at your jokes, compliments you, befriends your children then runs off with your dh? This will destroy two families.

It's great you are going to try again but you have to wonder, what if SAHD tells his wife that you two kissed. What will happen the next time you all meet up. I should imagine it's quite awkward anyway since your dh knows. The best thing you can do friendship or no is to distance yourself. Stop sending emails at least for now. Until that lust dies down, otherwise you will not be able to patch things up with your h as you will always be comparing him unfavourably and wondering what if.

I hope this didn't come across too judgemental because I actually seriously empathise with you and I hope you do manage to find some resolution that will leave you all happy.

Why don't you put a deadline on things? Say in six months time you'll review the situation but until then you will work really hard and I mean really hard on your marriage. This way you never know you might fix it else you'll have the satisfaction of knowing you really did try.

Ignore sahd until your deadline has passed put your heart into just the next six months so you can enjoy the future without doubt.

With Mr wonderful SAHD, you have all the good things - the deep meaningful conversations, the annecdotes about the children, flirtation. With your DH you have conversations about the finances, shopping, stuff that needs doing around the house, problems with your DS, the general every day stuff. Mr perfect wants to leave his wife, because he has the same conversations with her as you do your DH - guess what? If you were to get together with him - you will be repeating the above, but you wont be with a lovely loyal man who has accepted you having feelings for another man - you will be with a man who walked away from his wife and child. I know who i would choose.

You need to STOP emailing him, your tea and sympathy is fueling his feelings of wanting to leave his wife - you might say you don't encourage it, but just by talking to him, you are doing just that.

OK, so this post isn't as sympathetic as my first, because you had only posted that you had the kiss and that was it, it was stopped, but it hasn't. As damnedchillblanes has said, i dread women like you - because our relationship is under alot of strain just now for one reason and another - how much would it take for an attractive OW to turn my mans head, especially if she laid on the "oh you poor thing" "oh i totally understand" "no one gets me like you do" bullshit.

You need to understand that life isn't romantic and exciting all the time, and it certainly isn't going to be romantic and exciting if you don't make the effort.

That said, i do understand you, i really do - and i feel sorry for you - i just think you owe it to your DH, you owe it to your Son and most importantly, you owe it to yourself to cut contact with your friend and sort your marriage out.

Wow, thanks for all the comments, even those that might sound a bit harsh. But hey, I love clear talking, and you are RIGHT: no matter how nice I paint the picture in my head, what I'm doing is very ugly.

I'll stop sending emails with these friends, only that next week I'm going to my home town and I'll have to see them... (if not, I'm going to be just a total rude cow). Just a quick 'Hi', hope that isn't too bad. Or I could pretend I'm sick and don't leave the bed. Or I could write SAHD a letter and let him know why I'm putting some distance (did you say dignity? I don't remember where I left it).

As for DH and me, I am definitely try to make things work. Just last night, when I went to bed and saw him and DS asleep I was thinking how much I care for him. I like the idea of the deadline. I will try my heart out to make things work and let him know, so he can try as well.

Oh girls, thank you so much, really. It's great to feel listened to!

I honestly don't think you stand a chance of seeing things clearly all the time you are in contact with SAHD. You owe it to your dh to put him first and try to fix this. You can't do this if you are half in a relationship with someone else. SAHD is currently the recipient of all your emotional effort and this isn't fair. Also, if you genuinely like and respect his wife , the kindest thing you can do for her is cut off all contact with both her and SAHD. She wouldn't like you so much if she knew you'd kissed her husband.
If things don't work out between you and dh, at least you would have given him the respect he deserves. If I was married to you I would be gutted by all this and do think if you were a man, people would be a lot less sympathetic. It's easy to have your head turned by the excitement of something new but would you really want to be involved with a man who is behaving like SAHD?

"As for DH and me, I am definitely try to make things work. Just last night, when I went to bed and saw him and DS asleep I was thinking how much I care for him"

And that is all you need - for now!

Its a bit pants having young children, it impacts so much, of course things aren't going to feel exciting - but they will be, i promise. When your LO gets older and you have more freedom - you will be sharing it with your soul mate that you have been with through thick and thin - then, you will be a luckly lady indeed

Best of luck xx

As for next week - ask your DH how heel feels about it - and honour his wishes

He says he's OK, but I know he's not. You're right, it's an akward situtation because supposedly, they two remain friends as well (I insisted to DH that the kiss and all it had been my fault).

But understandbly DH is having an awful time with this 'situation' and feels very jalous of SAHD.

What would you think if say, I just write a last email to my friends saying that I am going through a difficult time and need lots of thinking and being alone and that I won't be able to meet them next week?

Time to bail out, if you want to.
Or is it wishful thinking?
I think when you have small children you can feel down and isolated. You may live to regret it badly. The grass is always greener. He obviously doesn't meet your minds needs (never mind the other ones!) Tell him you feel unhappy, make plans, trips etc. give yourself something to look forward to.

You have had so much good advice already.
I agree with a lot of what Lucyellensmumma (Lem) is saying.

I just want to reiniterate. Before you had a child, you had a different life. Now that you are home with your child, you seem to place too much emphasis on entertainment and companionship on your husband. It is not a bad thing, it is just that I am sure you did not rely solely on him for companionship before you were parents. You notice his "shortcomings"/your differences better now. I think it might be a good idea to find something for yourself to do, join a group, find some other friends (female) both for meeting up with your children, or a trip to the cinema/theatre, for some different intellectual stimulations. Once you get this, you will not need so much of that from your husband. Could you and your dh take up a new hobby together? Cycling? (cycling is great with kids) Salsa classes?

I am so impressed people haven't hung you out to dry... left mn for a good while because it was getting so nasty, but I hope all the posts have helped. I feel for you.... not quite in the same situation, as I am single, but I have just been dumped by a guy I fell powerfully in love with, and it is dawning on me that some men can profess anything at all when in the blurred infatuation/love stage, and very very quickly about face. what I am trying to say is be very very careful here.... you could end up being dreadfully hurt, not just by him, but by the knowledge of the children being involved.

Obv - you can email your SAHD and tell him you can't do this anymore - you tell him that you feel meeting up next week would be too awkward. You then say to his wife, if you have to say anything at all, that you are ill, busy anything but what you said, because as your friend, she is going to want to try to help - not sure how she would feel about it - lol. Seriously - you need to close this friendship with him - if he has any respect for you at all, he will do it.

And as quint said, find some new friends

I agree with a lot of what Lucyellen is saying too.

When I was 19 I was dating this fabulous guy. Then I started being "friends" with another man. We acknowledged that we had feelings for each other, and said we would just stay friends. I really, really think this is impossible for anyone. If you have the feelings, and they're reciprocated and acknowledged, you will not be able to be friends with SAHD. IM oh-so-humble-O of course! I left the glorious boyfriend (which, since I was only 19, probably would have happened at some point anyway)and started dating my "friend", which lasted for, oh, I'd say a week and a half. We had lots of lust and nothing else.

It was a very painful time for everyone, but I'm so glad that it happened. Anytime I've had more than a passing "oh, he's cute" thought about anyone besides DH, I've cut it off straightaway, because I know that it wouldn't last and once the thrill wore off I'd be sad I hadn't stuck with DH.

Wish I lived closer to you-I've got a 2 and a half yr old and we could have our DC's play together. I need mum friends too! And I guarantee you wouldn't have feelings for me, not the way I've let myself go in the last few years!

OK here I am (again).

Obviously I unheard your wise advice and went on to see both of my friends. After a week of spending lots of time together, I was doing pretty well holding my feelings. Then, while we were with the kids in the park, SAHD said something about how he was so happy to see me blah blah wich led into he admitting he had feelings for me blah blah and comparing our situation to that of Anthony Hopkins and Emma Thompson in "The Remains of The Day".

Enough for me. I went to hide under my sheets for a couple of days, then yesterday went to tell him I couldn't take it anymore. I'm sure he's not doing it on purpose, but this situation is just not healthy. I've decided to cut off all contact and don't know what I'll do when my friend tries to reach me again (obv. she will).

I know I have done the right thing, but I miss him (and her) so much, I just want to die. I miss their kids too, and I'm sure DS does as well.

Damn! Why can't we be mormons or something like that?

And FYI I took this 'Is it Lust or Love?' test and got 71% love.

oh, here is the test, in case any of you want to kill some time teenadvice.about.com/library/teenquiz/47/bllustorlovequiz.htm?lastQuestion=27&answers=0&submi t=Next+Question+%3E%3E&ccount=19.

Nevermind it's ment for teens.