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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think these 2 men could have told me DS was by the door!

38 replies

Coldhands · 02/03/2010 10:22

Was in the doctors today waiting by reception. At first I picked DS up but he is a large 2 year old and very heavy so after a bit I put him down. I did let go his hand and told him to stay near me (I am a bit dumb to think he may have actually done it). I got to the front, DS was stood by the waiting room door which was fine. I turned to the receptionist to ask her something and while I was talking I turned around and DS was running out of the front door (it was closed, it is lighter than I thought). Luckily I just ran and grabbed him before he got to the carpark (he really is bloody fast). As I'm sure everyone will know, this happened so fast.

But what slightly irritated me was that 2 men were also stood behind me and as I turned around they were both watching DS go out of the door and neither one of them said anything. If I had even turned around a second later, DS would have been in the carpark (which luckily there were no cars arriving or leaving at the time).

I know it was my fault and I feel incredibly guilty for daring to let my DSs hand go for that little bit, and I dread to think about what could have happened. I feel like these men and the receptionist were probably thinking that I was a bad mother and I feel really ashamed.

AIBU though to think that one of them could have shouted or something to let me know? I know it happened so quickly but they were looking before I was.

OP posts:
wishingchair · 02/03/2010 10:25

YABU - you should have been watching him. You can't expect a 2 yo to do what you ask him to. You are unsettled about fact it happened so fast (reasonable) but you can't expect someone else to have faster reactions than you.

Just cos they were looking doesn't mean they were looking and registering what was happening.

CloudDragon · 02/03/2010 10:25

WE've all been there don't feel bad!

THose near misses I've had with my 3 keep me on my toes the rest of the time.

I think other people completely forget/ never knew what kids are like at different ages. Also people are scared of 'interfering' which is a sad indiciment of our times.

Jackstini · 02/03/2010 10:27

You are probably in a bit of shock due to 'what if' syndrome and feeling angry at yourself.
YANBU to wish these men had said something but YABU to rely on it.
Have a cup of tea, calm down and you know you won't do it again!

Original poster
Coldhands · 02/03/2010 10:27

"Just cos they were looking doesn't mean they were looking and registering what was happening"

Thats a good point actually, the amount of times I have been 'looking' at something but actually had no idea of what was going on.

OP posts:
OtterInaSkoda · 02/03/2010 10:29

YANBU. You know that you shouldn't have let go of his hand, but any parent who claims that this sort of scenario couldn't possibly happen to them is lying, in denial or it just hasn't happened to them yet. But one would hope that at least somebody might have stepped in - do you think the men actually saw what was happening? perhaps they were cautious of being accused of child abduction or something ridiculous like that.

diddl · 02/03/2010 10:29

It is I would think more fear of interfering.

You might have been rude to them if they had called to you,& even ruder if they had grabbed your child.

At the end of the day, it´s not that hard to hold his hand whilst you speak to the receptionist, is it?

So, on the whole, YABU.

displayuntilbestbefore · 02/03/2010 10:31

YANBU to have got a fright but YABU to be cross at the man and the receptionist.
If they don't have children they may not have had the quick thinking to consider the potential dangers or consequences of your child running towards the door and it's not their responsibility even if they did begin to wonder.
A parent's reaction is far quicker than any other unrelated person in that circumstance, so although it was a fright, just be glad you reacted as quickly as you did when you realised he'd run off and think no more about it.
(No-one would think you were a bad mother because your 2 yr old mad a dash for it )

CloudDragon · 02/03/2010 10:32

wish I were as perfect as you diddl

JaneS · 02/03/2010 10:32

Hmm. I can just see the next thread.

'I was in the doctor's and two shifty-looking guys kept looking at my toddler who was playing perfectly safely near the pavement. Next thing I knew one of them grabbed him! Am I being unreasonable to think they were scuzzy scuzzy paedophiles?'

displayuntilbestbefore · 02/03/2010 10:32

made a dash for it

Original poster
Coldhands · 02/03/2010 10:36

"At the end of the day, it´s not that hard to hold his hand whilst you speak to the receptionist, is it?"

Actually it was because the person in front was taking so long, by the time I got to the front, DS was just twisting away from me, and 'oh the terrible person that I am' let him go because I have M.E. and he was really pulling on my arms.

I also wouldn't think that some man making a grab for a child running put of the door, in front of witnesses was a paedophile, although there are probably those who would.

OP posts:
AreAnyNamesAvailable · 02/03/2010 10:43

I have a male friend who is a doctor. He is very wary of going near children outside of the surgery at all as his union have had to deal with so many complaints about male doctors (not him) and inappropriate behaviour towards children. A huge percentage of these allegations are proven to be false, but mud sticks.

The men in question probably would not have stood by and let your son come to any harm intentionally, but they might have had that second of thought of 'do I stop him or will I then be sued/prosecuted for touching him/pulling his arm and hurting him/etc. They weren't to know that you were a normal, sane mum who would thank them for helping your child.

It is very hard for men (and to some extent women) in our society today and it makes me a bit sad that adults feel the need to distance themselves from other people's children 'just in case'.

Rhubarb · 02/03/2010 10:43

Unless they had kids they wouldn't think of doing anything anyway.

dh never interferes with other peoples kids, at all. Yet when we were looking around at a house to buy this man was clearly struggling with his boisterous 4yo. The little boy was running around the empty house, climbing onto things, jumping, knocking into us, etc. Then when we were chatting to the man, dh saw the little boy, who was sitting on top of the kitchen worktops, try to put his fingers in the plug sockets. He shouted at him really quite loudly to stop and told the father to get his son off the worktops and watch him more closely. I was shocked as dh rarely raises his voice or tells anyone else what to do. But dh said that this boy was in real danger of electrocuting himself and he didn't fancy being around to witness it happening.

BUT that only happened cause dh is a dad himself and so is aware of the risks.

These men probably didn't know what to say and probably didn't want to be told to mind their own business. Us women are much better at communicating with other mothers than men are.

wishingchair · 02/03/2010 10:44

Maybe in future given his sudden discovery of the joys of making a run for it and your ME, it would be easier if you stuck him in a pushchair (although not sure if that is more difficult for you). Just an idea (not a judgy smug "you should know better" idea )

CloudDragon · 02/03/2010 10:47

Coldhands you really don't need to justify letting go of a two year old hands for a minute.

And poor you with ME I had it for 4 years and it is rubbish. (found out I was a allegic to wheat and that made me 90% better)

displayuntilbestbefore · 02/03/2010 10:47

I think it's far more likely that the men just weren't really thinking about what was happening rather than them making a conscious effort not to be seen running after a small child.

PreachyPeachyRantsALot · 02/03/2010 10:50

I/m still where you are now with my 6.5 year old (ASD), we use a waist reins and I think reins sare important for runners.

And actually, i'd tell someone; society would flow a biut easier for all if we all did. I remember the first time ds1 (also ASD) unclipped his belt in a buggy and dived over the top in IIkea, he ahd a 2 month old sibling so I had to abandon buggy and run whilst people were letting him through and blocking me; Mum had a similar experience in a library.

It's scary and it ahppens to everyone, the trick is to put in a measure to stop it happening it again.

And whilst I don't think men were BU, they could havfve DB (done betetr)

MiladyDeWinter · 02/03/2010 10:51

I was walking along a busy main road yesterday with lots of side roads. I went to cross one of them and saw a toddler ambling along where the cars turn in quickly. Her Mum was a way behind, cigarette, on her phone and also pushing a pushchair with a baby in it.

To be honest I just didn't know what to do or say I mean, the child's mother unlike you could see the child and was making no effort to get her so all I could do was sort of loiter between the possible traffic and the little girl myself until she eventually abandoned the pushchair (not the fag or phone ) and hauled her out of the road.

It's tricky. Glad DS is OK!

nickytwotimes · 02/03/2010 10:53

SOmething like this has happened to all of us with wee kids, so do not feel bad.

The guys though may either have not noticed or have been afraid to intervene. I know dh wouldn't have for fear of being accused of something - they don't know you are reasonable!

It is very hard for guys these days.

PreachyPeachyRantsALot · 02/03/2010 10:55

DH is aware of that pressure as well, though as we always say- better to be falsely accused than to see a child go under a bus when you could have stopped it

diddl · 02/03/2010 10:56

Oh FFS, oh course I´m not perfect, but if I´ve let go of my toddler & he runs, I don´t look for others to blame.

PreachyPeachyRantsALot · 02/03/2010 11:35

It's not a blame thing full stop

Toddlers slip hand holds

They undo clasps holding them safe

Attention can be momentarily diverted by a falling bag or other obstacle

It happens to everyone

Besides reiterating my true love of reins when needed, blame is not appropriate here for anyone.

trixie123 · 02/03/2010 11:37

isn't there a saying about it taking a whole village to raise a child? I got flamed on here once for posting something about not getting a little help I might have reasonably (in my opinion) expected. The general feeling was that it is unreasonable to expect anyone to do anything at any time - if they do its a bonus! What a sad and depressing world it is if we can't look to other adults for a little assistance occasionally. The "they might think I am a paedophile" is an overused reason (ducks for cover!) To sum up - yes they could and should have helped by either alerting you or just holding the door shut - no need to touch the child anyway in this instance.

nickytwotimes · 02/03/2010 11:42

trixie, you are right but only if everyone acts reasonably. Unfortunately I have been on the receiving end of mouthfuls of abuse when I grabbed a child who was running onto a busy road. ANd I am a woman who had a kid with me! Dh on his own would no doubt have been reported to the police. Personally I would have thanked anyone who did the same for my kid, as would most people I know, but there are a fair few people who are hysterics if anyone comes within 2 feet of their kid and you don't know who is reasonable by looking.

Morloth · 02/03/2010 11:58

YABU. Before having my own I wouldn't even had registered that a kid who wasn't annoying me in some way. Would look straight through them TBH.

Of course the little buggers escape sometimes, not really anyone's fault but certainly not the fault/problem of random strangers.