to not want to take my 7 month dd here...

[mumoozle]

My PIL invited my DH, DD and I to a 'do' at a hotel 4 hours away from us. It's a long lost cousin of MIL's having a party to celebrate his retirement....
They have asked us to stay at the hotel for the night, people are arriving at 5pm for a party at 7pm - not sit down meal or anything, just music, buffet etc.
When we said that DH and I could come along, but we would probably leave DD behind, we were basically 'uninvited'!! (We thought we'd leave DD as it's a loud party, and pointless as I would have to get dressed up for all of an hour then go upstairs for the evening, feed her, put her to bed etc - I wouldn't feel comfortable coming back to the party with a baby monitor, as MIL suggested as it's a huge hotel, and just my choice)
I think they're really rude! If it were close family who had travelled a long way to see DD I would make the effort, but it's very distant family member having a knees up, and PIL basically want to parade DD (Ok, but I'm not travelling 4 hours there and back with steriliser, travel cot etc etc to act as child minder - just show them photos of her!!)
What do you all think?

Not unreasonable at all - tell them to take some photos!

Personally I'd probably go.

Different circumstances, but I did a 10 hour return journey by train in a day to go to a family funeral, on my own, with DS then aged about 5 months, and no other adult traveling with me. I hardly knew my aunt who died, but thought that having DS to coo over would chear up my cousins (who I do know!) - the circle of life and all that.

4 hours presumably by car? A doddle!

I think these occasions are really important actually, it strengthens family bonds for the future. Also it's nice that you've got PIL around who want to parade your DD! This really shouldn't be taken for granted - not everyone has.

I agree I wouldn't at all feel comfortable with a monitor upstairs in a big hotel.

We went to a wedding with DS recently. We let him stay up late for once, so that I could have a bit of extra time at the party. IMO a late night on a special occasion isn't the end of the world.

So, I think YABU and a bit of a grump (sorry!) and you should go. You might even enjoy yourself!

YANBU. I wouldn't go.

Thanks Snowtiger

Lowrib - I agree to an extent - I have been to Scotland and back when she was 3 months so I'm not averse to travel etc... I know PILs famly - would doubt I'd have a good time!! But I know if DH really wanted to take DD along too we would. I think what offended me most was being UNinvited because DD wasn't going along! Rather rude IMO..

Oh! I've just seen it's 4 hours each way, I had read it as 4 hours round trip. That is quite a long way actually I suppose.

I take it back, I don;t think you are being quite so U!

I would definitely look for ways to make it possible, though, without dismissing it out of hand. Do you think you might enjoy the party? Can you and DH takes turns in looking after DD?

Could you combine it with doing something nice with PIL in the area the next day so it's not a huge trip just for a short time?

How often do PIL get to see DD?

YANBU- I dont get people who think its fine to bring a small baby to an evening party for the benefit of showing it off. Fine if you are happy to drag take your baby to every party etc but not if your not. At 7mths your baby wont enjoy it, it will just make her tired and sleep badly which means you will.

We were invited to a dinner when DD was 7mths (local so not so bad) we got a baby sitter since that meant DD could sleep at home. We ahd to leave at 10pm as I was still dream feeding her.

The party hosts went on and on about why we hadnt brought her too and put her in a cot in the lounge! They didnt seem to see that it wouldnt be fun for her or us! It really ruined the evening for me which would have otherwise been short but sweet!

PIL see DD most weeks - we live 15 mins away from them!! THe cousin has decided to have the party so far away as that's where he was based in the navy before retirement. So it's not like they don't see DD often.

I think DH and I would enjoy the party without DD - with DD and loud music etc think we would find it stressful! We haven't managed to go out alone since she was born - so to make the first time we go out one where we have to take turns in child care could end in divorce!!

As for next day, we could see what's in the area (that's relatively cheap - money tight at mo) but PIL will be suffering from severe hangovers!!

gingerbreadlatte - yes my PIL tend to do the same things - and as far as we can we accommodate - take her to events we'd rather not, that are too loud etc - and people seem to forget what it was like having a 7MO!
I just think that to invite us to parade DD is unreasonable, and I feel hurt for DH that his own parents don't want him there unless DD is with him!

Yanbu.
This is a real peeve of mine actually, many times there have been family events tht for one reason or another I would like to have attended without ds - either unsuitable for him or I just wanted to go myself and relax a bit - but the reaction is decidedly cool.
Its lovely that they want to see your DD but sod em. Stick by your guns.

I remember when ds was really little and it was such a struggle getting used to being a mum, my family making it clear I wasn't really welcome without ds was horrible.
To be fair I dont think they realised how it made me feel, I tried to explain but I eneded up being the bad guy.

Sometimes you cant win - best to just make the decisions that suit you and not them.

YANBU

How were you uninvited? This strikes me as incredibly rude in any circumstances

yanbu-I wouldn´t go.

In fact I don´t think it would have occurred to me to go in the first place.

We were only invited by word of mouth - no actual invitation. As it was something PIL had asked us along to, DH and I were wiling to make the effort to go, even if DD wasn't, obviously no appreciated!

YANBU.
no way would i take a 7 month old all that way to sleep in a strange bed. and not actually get to spend much time with the family. waste of time effort and stress.

YANBU, your MIL is not thinking it through. If people were getting together during the day, then that would be different, but babies are so sensitive to changes in their routine. My two would have been a nightmare during the night if they were up late and being passed around. If she really wants you to go, then you should suggest sharing the babysitting while the wee one is asleep - work it out beforehand - between her, your DIL, DH and yourself.

yanbu - I wouldn't go, it would be one thing if your pil never saw dd, but you say they regularly see her, similarly if the person who's party it was was a close family member or someone you wanted to see more of then yes make the effort but after the reaction you have had I certainly wouldn't be going to all that extra hassle when you will be baring the brunt of it from dd for subsequent days and you obviously aren't appreciated for it!

Update: DH spoke to FIL this afternoon - not only are there other people they'd rather take up the hotel room (his words!!) as there's no point if MIL can't show DGD to family, can they take our car??!! AArrrggh.

Rude fuckers!

Tell them to shove it.

how were you actually uninvited? what did they say to do this?

PMSL - how rude can some people be?

LOL at least it's solved the problem (??) of whether to go or not!

Tell them to hire a car if they need one as you need yours at the weekend.

I would just politely tell them that you won't go.

And that you have organised another trip during the day (all day) for which you need the car.

They have been thoughtless and probably won't realise unless you tell them.

YANBU!

In fact I have something similar I'm being roped into and made to feel guilty about this week too.

It's my uncle's 70th birthday this week and some of the family are having a surprise party for him when he arrives here on Wed and we were told we have to be there for 7pm with the kids.

We HAVE to be there because he didn't see us the last time he was here because of the snow and I couldn't go to his 60th because of a fight I had with my dad. And the fact that he hasn't seen the kids in 3 years (or me and has never met my OH of 9 years).

I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to say no and that's my close family. My son has school the next day and has been unwell for a month and I know I'll not be home until 3/4am (how the hell can I do that to my kids).

This is my close family and they'll probably treat me like c**p for turning them down (40mins there and 40mins back by car. Did I mention me and OH don't drive?? We'd have to beg a lift)

Seriously, think about it, think about all you'd have to go thru. Normally the easiest answer is the right one. Don't go, send a card and a photo up with PIL.
Buy a take out and watch some TV snuggled up on the sofa. Far more fun that being somewhere you weren't technically invited to by someone who doesn't know you.