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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my ILs to stay at my house when we are away?

45 replies

deliakate · 01/03/2010 09:45

I know its very hard for you to judge whether I am BU as you don't know me, my ILs or the relationship between us. But as a straw poll - would you allow this to happen:

We are going on holiday in July for 2 weeks, and the ILs have asked DH whether they can come and stay in our house whilst we are away, as its close to London where they can do things, and close to some friends they can visit.

As some background, DH used to live in London, and they stayed there all the time when he was and wasn't there. His MIL made his bachelor pad into an extension of their home, totally taking over the kitchen/ fridge/ living room etc and when I moved in, I felt like a bit of an intruder. So I've welcomed having my own home and space. Now I'm worried about my holiday, because I think I'm going to be anxious about losing control over my home. Perhaps that means I have issues, but I just dont' feel comfortable.

So, straw poll, would you?

OP posts:

mampam · 01/03/2010 09:48

I think I'd let them but be prepared for them to have moved things about whilst you are away. Just put everything back the way you like it when they are gone.

pranma · 01/03/2010 09:51

I would let them stay-it will be extra security for your home.Its only for 2 weeks. Unless they are likely to trash the place YAB a bit U.

blonde36er · 01/03/2010 09:53

What does DH think? Have you voiced your concerns to him?

AmazingBouncingFerret · 01/03/2010 09:57

I'd do it, let them stay and see what happens. If your MIL does move things around then its only for 2 weeks, move things back. For example, she had moved the sofa to the other side of the room, next time you see her casually say it was a nice thought but you prefered it in its original place. That way you are making it clear that it is your home not her holiday place!

PrettyCandles · 01/03/2010 09:57

Definitely discuss with your dh. If you think it will allow you ILs to turn your home into their second home, and presumably you don't like that idea, then perhaps YANBU not to allow it. OTOH, if it will keep your home secure while you are away, and will help with good relationship with your ILs, then YABU not to allow it.

Just accpet that your things may be a bit rearranged, and sort them out when you return. For all you know, you may return to an immaculate house with a full fridge.

Prinpo · 01/03/2010 09:59

I'd let them but, given the history, only if I felt able to say if there was anything they did that made me uncomfortable IYSWIM. So, if they nosed around too much or did anything to 'improve' your house in your absence (rearranging cupboards, that kind of thing) then I'd have to say something. If you don't have that sort of relationship and if you feel it's likely that they'll try to take over then I'd talk to DH about it and maybe ask him to have a word (they are his parents, after all). Does that make sense? Can't seem to string a sentence together this morning.

yellowcircle · 01/03/2010 10:01

I wouldn't like it personally, but I wouldn't know how to say no and would probably let them do it. I like my inlaws but I also like my space and I run the house so genearlly things are as I do them. It is a little bit of control freakery, but that's just how I am. Although there is no nastyness intended, it may come across like that. People who don't mind comings and goings etc will often not understand people who do mind so it can be misinterpreted.

seeker · 01/03/2010 10:02

I think it would be churlish to say no, to be honest. The situations are completely different now that it's your home rather than dh's batchelor pad.

gramercy · 01/03/2010 10:07

I think it's different now it's your home.

My in-laws did this with bil. When he lived by himself mil used to practically live there, and chose all the decoration/furnishings etc. When sil moved in it was a real battle of the Alpha Females. Sil planted some bulbs, mil would root them out and plant something different. Sil hung new curtains, mil would have them down the minute sil was out at work. But - when they moved to a new place (as soon as possible!) mil was defeated and she has never once touched the new house.

gtamom · 01/03/2010 10:07

I would do it, and I know they would do the same for us.

runnybottom · 01/03/2010 11:12

I wouldn't like it, but I would do it, as they have been very generous and accomadating to us in the past.

I might say no in your shoes, but it would depend on overall relationship with them.

4kidsandlovingit · 01/03/2010 11:18

I would probably let them stay for the security of the place but I would want them out before I returned from my holiday. Nothing worse than having to entertain when you`ve just walked in the door and wnt to chill out after a long journey home. IMO

emsyj · 01/03/2010 11:21

We've done this when we lived in London and the in-laws fancied a trip to theatre/touristy stuff whilst we were on holiday (ironically, staying in villa owned and lived in by MIL's sister whilst they were on holiday somewhere else). When we got back they'd arranged for our drains to be cleared and generally harassed the landlord (who lived upstairs) to fix a number of things that had needed doing for a while, so the interference was quite welcome in our case.

I wouldn't want to say no, but then I don't have a bad relationship with my in-laws. And I don't particularly care if people rummage through my things in my absence, as long as I don't witness it.

ChippingIn · 01/03/2010 11:41

If I didn't like them that much, I wouldn't want them to - but I would allow them to. However, I would tell DH up front that should they abuse this (ie re-arrange the house, snoop etc) then this would be the first and last time - then I would leave it up to him to tell them (or not) that this was the situation. I would lock up any personal papers (& 'toys' ). I would also have no problem telling DH that is wasn't happening again if I came home to a house that had been re-arranged/re-decorated etc

london0hull4 · 01/03/2010 12:48

I wouldn't let them. This situation arose with my in-laws couple of years ago. I knew that if I agreed to it once I'd never be able to refuse again. I just didn't like the idea of them being in the house without us. I made it clear that they were welcome to come and see us any time they want, but I didn't want the house being used as a holiday home every time we were away.
It didn't go down very well but they're over it now and I feel quite strongly that it is my house and it's up to me who stays and when.

Yvonne2010 · 01/03/2010 14:32

I'd hate that too and I'd feel just like you do.

MadamDeathstare · 01/03/2010 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rimmer08 · 01/03/2010 16:41

i wouldnt like this, the security is good but them moving around stuff in the house would annoy me. I love my PIL but i would not agree to this. neither would i want my own parents to do it.

seeker · 01/03/2010 17:10

I think if you say no you are being unreasonable and you must expect it to be considered a pretty offensive thing to do. Which in my opinion it is. Why on earth shouldn't family use your house when you're not in it?

echt · 01/03/2010 18:36

What seeker said. They're your family. Don't get bothered about what hasn't happened yet; deal with if and when it does.

Aviendha · 02/03/2010 12:21

I would treat it as a test case. If they behaved well then I would feel I had been proved wrong and would be happy for them to stay again (good for security etc). However, if they moved things etc I would feel justified in saying no in the future and saying why. At the moment if you say no they will ask again, if you let them stay and they break your rules then you have good grounds to say no in the future.

seeker · 02/03/2010 21:22

"If they behaved well".....ffsd, it's as if you are talking about a couple of labradors!

What do you think they are going to do, pee on the furniture?

JeMeSouviens · 02/03/2010 21:28

I probably would, but I'd box up any of my financial/personal papers and hide them away in the loft or something. My MIL likes to know everything that is going on and is most perturbed now that her DS is married to me she no longer knows what he earns etc....

parakeet · 02/03/2010 21:31

It would make me feel slightly uncomfortable too, but I would say yes, because it's nice to help people out.

Hopefully they will treat it completely differently to when it was his bachelor pad.

If it makes you feel better, just dwell on the security aspect. Perhaps I'm paranoid, but when I'm returning from my holidays, I start imagining finding a broken window and a trashed house. At least you wouldn't have that problem.

ABetaDad · 02/03/2010 21:33

It is the thin end of a wedge.

We went away for 24 hours and ILs came to look after DSs. Without tellng us they invited some of their friends to our house as well.

They also tend regard our house as a convenient hotel handy for early flights and visiting friends and family.

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