Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to not want my ILs to stay at my house when we are away?

45 replies

deliakate · 01/03/2010 09:45

I know its very hard for you to judge whether I am BU as you don't know me, my ILs or the relationship between us. But as a straw poll - would you allow this to happen:

We are going on holiday in July for 2 weeks, and the ILs have asked DH whether they can come and stay in our house whilst we are away, as its close to London where they can do things, and close to some friends they can visit.

As some background, DH used to live in London, and they stayed there all the time when he was and wasn't there. His MIL made his bachelor pad into an extension of their home, totally taking over the kitchen/ fridge/ living room etc and when I moved in, I felt like a bit of an intruder. So I've welcomed having my own home and space. Now I'm worried about my holiday, because I think I'm going to be anxious about losing control over my home. Perhaps that means I have issues, but I just dont' feel comfortable.

So, straw poll, would you?

OP posts:

fluffles · 02/03/2010 21:37

wouldn't bother me at all - but then i also let friends stay if we're away and have offered our flat to BIL and SIL when we were away so they could have a night out in town (they're in the burbs, we're central).

i would NOT expect them to go snooping, and if i found out they did i wouldn't do it again, but to start with i'd give them benefit of the doubt.

tearinghairout · 02/03/2010 21:43

I would let them, but wouldn't be entirely happy, and would lock away my precious china! We have stayed the night at their place before so I know they trust us, so would slightly BU not to let them, eh?

However - you are an adult. You have the right to say No if you want to.

EldonAve · 02/03/2010 21:47

If I didn't feel comfortable then I would say no

seeker · 02/03/2010 21:48

"We went away for 24 hours and ILs came to look after DSs. Without tellng us they invited some of their friends to our house as well."

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 02/03/2010 21:49

I wouldn't think twice, they are family. Bit mean spirited to say no. At least if they do cause a nuisance you can say no in the future, but you don't actually know they will, do you?

seeker · 02/03/2010 21:54

But kat, they might buy new loo roll that's the wrong colour

Or read one of your books!

Or mow your lawn in a provocative manner.

Or put the TV remote on the wrong side of the sofa.

Or use one of your whice wine glasses for red wine. Or even for sparkling pomaigne...now that would be a shock!

ABetaDad · 02/03/2010 21:58

seeker - we found out just in time and put a stop to it. We also came back 12 hour early to catch them out - just in case they were having a wild party or anything.

janeite · 02/03/2010 22:07

I think it would be really mean of you to refuse, without a really specific (serious) reason tbh. It just makes you sound a bit petty otherwise. So yes - I think I would, personally, say 'yes' to it. You never know when you might want a favour in return.

carrieboo75 · 02/03/2010 22:11

My in laws are truely dreadful people but I would still say yes to them staying in my house. You are talking about 2 adults what is the worst that could happen.

My inlaws have begrudgingly let us stay in their houses (worried we are going to damage stuff). I would also feel uncomfortable with them staying here (my cleaning and tidying would not be up to their standard as we generally look like we have been burgled when we are leaving the house for a holiday ). However I figure that uncomftable feeling would be my problem not theirs. I can't think of anything they would do that would be that big a problem.

zipzap · 02/03/2010 22:11

If you do end up letting them stay (would be like you - very uncomfortable with them staying if you are not around) then can you get your dh to set up some ground rules before they come so

he is aware of your issues and why and
if it does all go horribly wrong they can't play the innocents after the fact and claim they have done things because they didn't know any better.

So things like telling them that you like the way things are organised and you don't want anything changed / reorganised / etc, no guests and that your bedroom is out of bounds or whatever else it is that will help to establish that they are just staying temporarily at your place.

Also establish things like will they be there when you get back or not, if you want them to leave anything behind in the fridge - be it a pint of milk and a pack of bacon and eggs or a full shop. Would it be any easier if they weren't there when you got back so you couldn't see them being very comfortable in your house?

I think it is also one of those things that is depends on if it was normal when you were growing up - for some families it would be almost rude not to use somebody else's house while they were away if it was somewhere they would like to go and for others it is incredibly rude to even think about it. Sounds like you and your dh are from different camps so you need to talk to him and try to make him understand that it is not just his parents but that you wouldn't really want your parents staying over either. And get him to understand your concerns - if you tell him and he says they are not important or he can't understand them or that they won't happen, say that you are glad that he thinks that but as you don't you need a bit more convincing and what can you say to his parents to ensure that your worries don't come about.

And make sure dh knows this is a big deal to you - and that if you are unhappy this time when you get back with the way things have gone then it is never going to happen again.

good luck and enjoy your holiday...

scanty · 03/03/2010 01:00

Unless you have really bad feelings towards them then yes YABU. We have had people visit us often for up to 5 wks at a time. Have also let friends stay when are away. My sister has struggles with visitors but hardly ever has any where as my mum used to welcome anyone- even when there were 5 of us in a small 2 bed house- she would host 4 or more for weeks at a time. Rather be like her than my uptight sister.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 03/03/2010 03:04

I'd let them. My MIL has a habit of being a bit too helpful - putting piles of clean laundry on my bed, in my bedroom, when I'm at work, for example (sweet, and all, but it's my bedroom! There are objects in my bedroom that are not for MIL eyes). But I'd still let them.

seeker · 03/03/2010 06:09

Fascinated by the presumption that it's the woman's house and that the man appears to have no say about who stays in it. And that the man has to tell his parents that unless they follow to the letter a set of rules laid down by the woman they will not ba allows to stay in the house again!

Son't worry, thought, if you give them a list of rules including that your bedroom is out of bounds, they are not allowed to move anything and that they have to be gone when you come home I doubt they'll want to stay. Or come anywhere near you ever again.

GlendaTheGrizzlyPiggy · 03/03/2010 07:54

Yes I definatly would. Worst case scenario is MIL moves your sofa about & rearranges some ornaments. Worst case scenario if your house is left empty you come back to broken windows & no valuables. I know which I'd prefer.

2rebecca · 03/03/2010 09:37

I would do this, I'm not that bothered about the arrangement of my furniture etc. I would however ask them not to rearrange things, although some things will be rearranged by mistake and I'd hide anything personal. We have a large lockable filing cabinet and the key would come with me.
My dad is happy for me to stay at his house if he's away so I'd extend that to close family. Not as a regular thing though.

KAEKAE · 03/03/2010 09:52

No, I am a very private person and would hate it. When mysister goes away on holiday she leaves her keys with my parents...they then take it upon themselves to go over and stay there for some odd reason.

Elsewhere · 03/03/2010 10:02

Could you stay in their house when they're away? Would they be happy with that?

dreamingofsun · 03/03/2010 12:03

my MIL tends to look at her other son's house as an extention of hers - doing housework, buying pictures etc. She didn't do this when he was living with someone though. So maybe they will be OK. I think it would be rude to say no. Understand what you are saying - my PILs and my mother took it in turns to do this and whilst i wasn't comfortable you forget about it whilst away. I won't let my mother do it again - as the years have gone by she has got older and more scatty - so i don't think my house is safe in her hands now. I would leave a helpful reminder list of contact numbers for doctors etc - which you could dipomatically weave a few instructions in.

ScreaminEagle · 03/03/2010 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Mum72 · 03/03/2010 14:15

I wouldnt like it but then I do not have a very close relationship to my ils.

One of my concerns would be that this would be the start of habit.

Will this open the flood gates to this request EVERY time you go away? It seems it was something they used to do "alot" before your DH met you - could this happen again? I would be worried if I said yes this time its harder to say no in future.

Flip

1 2