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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Engagement Presents?

54 replies

worldgonemad72 · 27/02/2010 18:09

Would you think i was being unreasonable not to give my dsis a present for her engagement (she's having a party Tonight), Ive got her a card. When i got engaged we didn't get any cards or presents but we didn't have a party. What should i do? my dh says just give them a card but i dont want to seem rude or upset her if i dont put anything inside it.

OP posts:
StrictlyKatty · 27/02/2010 19:44

It's all so grabby. Engagement parties, wedding lists, baby showers. It all seems about getting as many presents as you can!

JaneS · 27/02/2010 19:48

Ah, but StrictlyKatty, I myself am now totting up all the presents I am owed - perhaps I should throw a combined engagement/wedding/anniversary/divorce party and start up a rival to Oddbins with the loot?

houseworkhater · 27/02/2010 21:51

No don't take apresent except perhaps a bottle of bubbly.
Don't want to sound awful but they may not even make it to the wedding stage so I wouldn't waste my money. Skint emotion.

FakePlasticTrees · 27/02/2010 21:58

I'd say bubbly too! We only got engagement pressies from the IL's but then we were too cheap lazy busy to throw a proper party. (this is possibly where we went wrong)

taffetacat · 27/02/2010 22:07

No present but maybe an offer to do something in the card for the wedding. something boring and mundane that would be good to take off the bride's hands.

emsyj · 27/02/2010 22:15

We got a grand total of one engagement present and didn't feel hard done by. Some friends bought us a bottle of champagne and nobody else got us anything at all other than cards. We didn't expect gifts and weren't disappointed, although we didn't have a party or anything. If it's a party that you can take a bottle to I think it's fine to take a bottle of wine, although champagne never offends I don't think it should be expected.

Pozzled · 27/02/2010 22:38

I've never thought of buying engagement presents. To me, it seems a bit strange to get presents for your engagement and then again for your wedding- almost like getting two lots of presents for the same birthday. We had a party of sorts- nothing official, just an open house to all our friends- and I'm fairly sure we didn't get any presents.

porcamiseria · 28/02/2010 09:52

yanbu!!!! since when do people get pressies cos they are engaged?

pointysayhiphip · 28/02/2010 09:55

Just take fizz and chocs. I onyl know one person who had an engagement party and she didn't get married.

Saltire · 28/02/2010 09:58

I've enver bought engaement presents. However when SIL moved in with her boyfriend at the age of 19, DH wanted to get her a present, a sort of housewarming.I said "ok, we will get her some tea towels, or similar". I thought it was a good diea, as if they went on to get married we could get them something more. Anyway, he said this to step MIL (she's their daughter) and SMIL said,"Oh well actually she is needing an iron and ironing board, can you get this one"

Iron was £50+. DH said "oh yes well if that's what she wants". 6 months later they ahd split up and the ex boyfriend is still in teh house with all the presents they got - the leather sofas and 45" tv that SILs granny bought her.

fiveweeksandcounting · 28/02/2010 10:02

I usually just send a card but if there's an engagement party I give a present. My parents always give presents as soon as their friends children get engaged, there seems to be some kind of competition about who can get the present in as quickly as possible. We got hundreds of presents, mostly photoframes and glass bowls which all lived in a box under our stairs for years but have come in quite useful in time.

NoahAndTheWhale · 28/02/2010 10:02

We didn't have an engagement party but a few people did get us engagement presents. Was about 12 years ago.

thesecondcoming · 28/02/2010 10:25

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sayithowitis · 28/02/2010 11:35

Maybe times have changed, but when I was younger it was definitely the case that when someone got engaged there would be cards and presents, especially if there was a party. Presents tended to be some of the smaller household items that would have made up the 'bottom drawer'. We never got engaged so never got those type of gifts, however, the Christmas before we got married, all our families bought us bottom drawer type of presents, rather than personal gifts.

I wonder if the change these days is because people tend to do things in a different order now? In my day ( sounding like my granny now)you dated, got engaged, then married, then lived together, then had children.( generally). But now people often live together first and already have a home by the time they get engaged, so don't need those little gifts? And as someone else said, being engaged doesn't always mean a wedding will follow nowadays either!

If it was me though, being my DSis, I would definitely give something, even if it was just a bottle of champagne.

pranma · 28/02/2010 17:49

Give a cookery book!I was given Larousse Gastronomique in 1964 when I got engaged to dh1 and I still use it and remember the aunty who gave it

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 28/02/2010 17:51

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mamsnet · 28/02/2010 19:44

Anachronism

expatinscotland · 28/02/2010 19:47

I got mine something for her engagement. I wasn't skint at the time, though, and well, she's my only sibling.

I got her and her now husband (well, it's been 17 years!) a brunch at a nice hotel.

JeMeSouviens · 28/02/2010 19:55

We had a massive engagement party as we knew the wedding would be small and got gifts for both. It's the norm where I'm from.

One of the best engagement presents was from SIL, a big wicker wash basket filled with little odds and ends that people don't think of. Cheese slicers, colander, rolling pins, very basic, small kitchen utensil type things. All wrapped up with tulle. It need not be expensive.

I'd definitely get my siblings something lovely for engagements, party or not.

cat64 · 28/02/2010 19:56

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Sparkletastic · 28/02/2010 19:57

Deffo champers

geordieminx · 28/02/2010 19:58

I find that engagement parties are just an excuse for the couple to get a wodge of cash.. reminds me of a friend who got married a couple of years ago...

Engagement party invite - " we would like you to come to our party, if you would like to give us something then cash towards our wedding would be appreciated"

So we hand over £20 and travel 150 miles to party (we moved away still have family in area so no biggie)

Hen night invite arrives - its a weekend in a european city - £300 for flights and basic hotel - I declined.

It then transpires that they are getting married in the caribbean - "if you would like to come to our wedding - page xxx on First Choice brochure"

Ok, so not only have we contributed to your flights/dress/whatever for your wedding, if we actually want to come then we have to pay £1000ish to actually get there. Needless to say we didnt.

The icing on the non exsisting cake comes when they return from Jamaica, and have party at a local (to them) hotel, disco et al. "If you would like to give us something then we are in the process of re-decorating our house so money would be appreciated"

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Megatron · 28/02/2010 20:09

Things have changed a lot over the last 20 years or so. When I got engaged (1986) people always gave engagement presents then, it wouldn't have occurred to me NOT to give one to a friend who got engaged for their 'bottom drawer'. I'm from Scotland so maybe it's a Scottish thing? Or maybe I'm just ancient and things have changed!

apieceofmum · 06/11/2014 14:33

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PeppermintInfusion · 06/11/2014 14:41

I'm from NI, engagements gifts are the norm. Typically smaller scale household items (oven dish/tea towel/candle type gifts) or things like bubbly or picture frames.
We would definitely buy family members and close friends, then only buy the wider circle if they invite you to a party.

But this is NI/ireland where wedding and other occasion gifts tend to be bigger anyway.