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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to blanche at a £45 a head set menu EXCLUSIVE of drinks?

34 replies

parakeet · 26/02/2010 15:21

A friend is organising a night out in town for a small group of her friends for her thirtieth birthday. She has chosen a very expensive restaurant, where apparently the whole group has to have the same set menu, which is £44 a head, no drinks included. So I would think with wine we'll be forking out £60 a head.

We are really having to tighten our belts at the moment as my husband was made redundant in December (she knows this). We scrimped on Christmas, buying second-hand presents for the children. It's not that I cannot find £60 - I can - but it's the principle of paying that for a night out when I'm buying my children Christmas presents from charity shops that sticks in my throat.

Is this really what meals out cost nowadays and am I just behind the times?

OP posts:
CantSleepWontSleep · 26/02/2010 15:24

That is pretty expensive, and I think that you'll be looking at more than £60 once you add in drinks, if the price of the food is anything to go by. Fine if she is paying, or has checked with people that they are all happy to go for something costing that much before booking, but not otherwise.

Turn down the invite and explain why. There may be others who don't want to go at that price too.

LaurieFairyCake · 26/02/2010 15:28

I paid £93 the last time i attended a friend's birthday - also a set menu.

It was lovely and I had a great time but they would not have been annoyed if I couldn't afford it and hadn't gone.

People spent £75 on a night out each at my 30th (dinner and cabaret). I wouldn't have been annoyed if someone couldn't come cos they couldn't afford it.

wonderingwondering · 26/02/2010 15:31

That is a relatively expensive set menu for a high street restaurant. Just don't go, offer to meet her for lunch another day and do the 2 for 1 offer at Pizza Express or a set lunch menu for more like £15.

If money is tight, don't feel obliged to spend your extra on an expensive meal. I'm sure any friend would understand: it can be difficult as you don't want to assume someone can't afford it and so not invite them, equally you invite them then they feel obliged to accept!

wilkos · 26/02/2010 15:31

well how about just not going?

yes it is on the expensive side but shes entitled to have her birthday where she likes

sorry if that sounds a bit harsh but your comment "when I'm buying my children presents from charity shops it sticks in my throat" suggests that you are in some way cross with her, which make you very U.

Whoamireally · 26/02/2010 15:32

There is no shame these days in simply saying you can't afford to do something - most of us are in the same boat. I appreciate the money is there but it's simply a question of priorities. And I guess, in turn, that depends on how good a friend this person is - the closer the friend, the more willing you will be to sacrifice other things to be go to her bday do.

I know that for my very close friends, no amount of money would stop me from being at their special birthday because the friendship outranks the cash. But for the next layer of friends outwards, I would have to think twice about it!

If it's touch and go at £45, why don't you just offer to drive - that way you can stick to the lime and soda's and rein the cost in a bit?

Rejessta · 26/02/2010 15:46

Stuff the expense, it sounds like the most dreary party imaginable. Everybody sitting around a table at an over-priced restaurant, eating, trying to behave because it's posh... it just sounds so boring. Oh, and you have forgotten to factor in the birthday girl's meal, which will undoubtedly be split among the guests, and a 10-15% service charge, and of course you're going to be splitting the cost of drinks and some people will be swilling the stuff back because, frankly, they're bored out of their skulls and have to fill the time between trips to the bathroom... So, at a guess, you'd be lucky to have change from 100 quid.

Sounds awful. Avoid.

GibbonInARibbon · 26/02/2010 15:46

I don't think that's expensive but I totally understand your reasoning for not wanting to spend that much on a night out.

minipie · 26/02/2010 15:50

No YANBU, though YABU to get cross with your friend as she's probably just not thought it through and realised it might be an issue for some.

Have a quiet word and just say it's a bit expensive for you and DH as you're tightening belts. Perhaps you could join them for coffee after the meal.

She might even choose a different venue as a result (I would if it were me).

Floopy21 · 26/02/2010 15:51

YANBU to blanche at the price, YABU to think that your friend should tailor her birthday to suit your bank balance. Echo others, I'm sure she'll understand if you say you can't afford it, let me bring a big fat cake round to you another time or something.

Original poster
parakeet · 26/02/2010 16:12

This place is so good for me.

You lot are right, I guess I was cross at her for choosing this venue, and really, it is her thirtieth, and if she wants to splash out, then that's her perogative. It is not how I celebrate my milestone birthdays, but it's her birthday, her choice. And I can see from the replies that she's not that unusual in this choice.

Sadly, trying to save money by not drinking is not an option for me because I could not bring myself to pipe up at the end of the meal with a request that we itemise the bill and whip my calculator out. Plus, I would need the booze to deaden the pain...

The only option for me would be to just not go. I'll have to mull that one over. But at least I have stopped being cross at her.

Cheers!

OP posts:
Lucyellensmumma · 26/02/2010 16:26

I think your friend is being incredibly selfish, i know its HER b-day but to choose a place where a meal costs £60 per head??? There is no way i would go - on principal. The fact that she knows you are having difficulties would indicate to me that she isn;t considering you AT ALL. I think she sounds like a horrible show off. £60 a head meals are for meals with partners and such like - meals out with your friends? You can have the same fun, probably more with pizza express and a bottle of chianti each - dont get me wrong - i'd love a £60 meal, but out with friends I would resent it, because the night out is about having a laugh and probably woudlnt appreciate the food and ambience anyway. Must be some restuarant if it costs that much.

Her birthday, her choice - i wouldnt be going

OtterInaSkoda · 26/02/2010 16:31

YABU to blanche if the £45 menu is at somewhere fabulous, but your friend is BU to organise a party at such a place unless she knows all her friends are loaded.

FWIW we are not flush but I don't get out much and might actually prefer to pay £45 at somewhere lovely that £20 at somewhere dire. My nights out are precious - if they're at someplace amzing then that's ace.

MyMamaToldMe · 26/02/2010 16:43

It is expensive, but at the end of the day, if you don't want to pay it, don't go.

googietheegg · 26/02/2010 16:53

I am that people invite friends to a party/wedding/anything and then expect them to pay!!! Surely an invite means the host pays for it, or a group arrange to meet somewhere and each pay for your own... a mix of the two is crass IMO

picklepud · 26/02/2010 17:06

YANBU. Times were that people paid for their guests if they chose the venue, eg my dad is arranging my mums 70th and assumed he would pay for everyone. Times have changed and I think that the onus is on the host now to be considerate of others wallets in a less extreme way, ie by choosing somewhere affordable for all. If she has particular desire to go somewhere pricey, then go with a partner. It seems that with hen nights, parties etc people are increasingly assuming that people will go with the flow and getting a party at an expernsive venue on the relative cheap for them. People matter more than posh food.

picklepud · 26/02/2010 17:07

will we get to the point soon where you invite people over for dinner and charge them

nigglewiggle · 26/02/2010 17:10

googie - I was just going to say the same thing. I find it really odd that people invite you to their party and expect you to pay for the privilege.

brimfull · 26/02/2010 17:12

I also think it's odd to invite people and expect them to pay for it themselves. I must be of the older generation as I could never do it.

OtterInaSkoda · 26/02/2010 17:17

So if you were organising a night out for your birthday, you'd expect to buy dinner for everyone? I don't think my friends and I have ever done this. We range in age from early 30s to 50s. Some of us are doing alright financially, others not so.

Clearly a wedding is a different thing, likewise a do in a hall. But at a restaurant?

FakePlasticTrees · 26/02/2010 17:18

I guess I've been living in SE for too long, but £44 for a set menu isn't unreasonable.

If you can't afford it, don't go. Tell her, she'll understand if she's a real friend. Could you do lunch somewhere cheaper just the two of you? Or send DH out with the kids the next day and invite her over for a recovery brunch to hear all the gossip?

YABU if you expect her to change her plans just for you.

orienteerer · 26/02/2010 17:22

YANBU

bibbitybobbityhat · 26/02/2010 17:23

Oooooooooh you lot would have loved the thread we had at Christmas where someone was trying to work out what it would be fair to charge her extended family for hosting Christmas lunch!

OtterInaSkoda · 26/02/2010 17:25

I did love that thread bibbity! She wasn't charging though, was she? She was just asking people to cough up, as agreed, for a family do at their parents' house. Twas a bit of a bloodbath though

Irishchic · 26/02/2010 17:26

YANBU at all. If you are bit embarrassed to say you cant go becuase of the cost then just make up an excuse to get out of it, have to be somewhere else that night or whatever and make it up to her some other time. I think in these recessionary times people should be a bit more considerate of other's circumstances. Am sure you could get a lovely meal in a perfectly good restaurant for £25 a head and as someone else pointed out, a night out with the girls is for fun and chat, the food is secondary to it, and therefore it's a waste to be spending so much on it.

Yeah it's her birthday and she can go where she wants, but shouldnt expect everyone to be able to or want to cough up the guts of £100 for a meal and drinks.

absinthe · 26/02/2010 17:27

Depends where you are and whether it is a bargain Michelin starred set menu or just an oppressive, unremarkable little telephone booth sized restaurant trying to cover astronomical rental charges.

I have eaten meals for twice, thrice that per head and been hungry enough to raid the fridge upon arriving home.

Surprised that she is not picking up the tab - that is the only unreasonable bit of the story