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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to to not allow my 13 year old to have Facebook?

39 replies

busymummy3 · 26/02/2010 14:32

She has been really good about this and up until now has not really been bothered. However is now starting to ask if she can have a Facebook account (neither me or DH have one)because she is starting to feel left out all her friends talking about it on bus home from school etc etc found myself saying the old adage ' I dont care what everyone else is doing youre not' which I vowed I never would with my kids as I hated my mum saying this to me when I was growing up. She is really sensible and very mature we do trust her its just the thought that she could be pulled into things we dont want her in eg conversations about others getting out of hand etc

OP posts:

YoginiBikini · 26/02/2010 14:38

A biggy..... hmmmm.....

My plan at the moment for when my dd asks me to be on facebook is to make it a condition that I am on her friends list. I know a lot of people who do this and it seems to work well.

When it happens in reality though, who knows. I may change my mind and lock her in her room til she's 18.

I do think that encouraging and repeating to her frequently that she can talk to you about anything and confide in you at any time is very important. Let her know you're on her side. Explain to her what your concerns are. She may surprise you with her wisdom.

GrungeBlobPrimpants · 26/02/2010 14:40

I do sympathise. Finally gave in to my 13yo a few months ago as virtually all her class had F/book. So far it's been OK. She mainly uses it to play Farmville, arrange shopping at weekends with friends etc.

I did set it all up for her though, and put privacy settings to the max. It MAY be an idea for you to set up your own profile on the site (you don't have to 'use' it or put any info on) just so that you know what's what, alongside understanding what info is available to whom, how to use Wall and Chat

Mind you, some of her 'friends' use it in a way that I wouldn't be happy with at all.

herbietea · 26/02/2010 14:45

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Coldhands · 26/02/2010 14:52

I am on FB and have my much younger sister on there. The stuff that her and her friends come out with is quite shocking. Not to mention an insight into the colourful language she uses.

I agree with the others, set up the account for her and make yourself her friend (you don't have to use it for anything else). Most people just play games on there tbh and arrange to meet friends. Make sure she knows that you do look at what she puts on there and you have access to her password.

I just use it to keep in touch with people who don't live in my area anymore, and arrange nights out by sending one message to all invited friends, so much easier.

mollyroger · 26/02/2010 14:54

My 12-yr-old isn't allowed. Because of the bullying thing. he understands that i am trying to protct him - our home is our sanctuary when things at school/work are tough and you have to be very selective who you allow 'into' your home.

DecorHate · 26/02/2010 14:55

I think I will be having a similar decision to make soon... so many of dd's friends seem to be on it - but luckily not all are so I have a bit of time left!

The suggestion to open your own FB account and be on her friends list is a good one (though it there will probably come a time when you won't want to see what they are all talking about ) I am already slightly perturbed by the photos and groups that lots of dds friends have up....

cat64 · 26/02/2010 14:56

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cloelia · 26/02/2010 14:59

This is a tricky one, I agree. We are very old fashioned parents in many ways, but I do think that what teenagers have and want nowadays is in some ways only a version of what we had way back when. For example, I used to spend hours on the phone with girls i had seen all day at school. We gave in to the mobile phone and facebook last summer when DD was 13, partly because all her friends were splitting up and going to lots of different schools and it felt like a good way for her to keep in touch. She is not allowed to use the laptop/computer in her bedroom, only in the sitting room with the rest of us around; she stops at 9 pm at night; she is limited at weekends and holidays; my DH is a friend on her account tho he never looks; and I trust her (do hope not famous last words). It is v easy for us to be dinosaurs and I would say let her have it, with conditions YOU feel comfortable with.

Original poster

busymummy3 · 26/02/2010 15:07

Thanks for the replies so far especially about setting myself up as a friend to check what is happening TBH would have set the account up for her myself anyway I must agree with Mollyroger though just feel you do have to be selective about who you allow into your home and why leve yourself open to possible bullying when you are only 13? Herbietea did your DS2 still want to go back on and did you not feel once all sorted out reluctant to allowing it again ? I just feel I wouldnt want to have all the upset and upheaval of having to go into school sorting something out if it all could have been avoided in the first place.
I was talking with my friend other day about this and we both agreed it was better when we were teenagers and all we had was a good old fashioned telephone!

OP posts:

OhYouBadBadKitten · 26/02/2010 15:07

Some of dds friends are on FB and although she isn't old enough yet I'd like to set up my own account so I know whats what.
How do I set it up safely, so that no-one can see that I'm on there until I learn the ropes?

GrungeBlobPrimpants · 26/02/2010 15:17

Got to go now bad kitten, but in privacy settings you can set everything to 'only friends', and you can change search settings so that you are not searchable ... even so a lot of dds friends see to have found her, mind

webwiz · 26/02/2010 15:22

DD2 who is sixteen and in the sixth form uses Facebook to arrange things with friends, keep in touch with her older sister who's at university and to discuss homework which are all worthy uses of it. BUT if I let her she'd be on it from the minute she gets home from school till when she goes to bed. She likes to multitask by doing homework at the same time as carrying on a conversation with 8 people. Her argument is the homework is done well and my argument is it takes 3 times longer to finish it. I'm going to put my foot down though and introduce some limits as its driving me mad. So I would say to the OP that whenever you allow your DD to get an account put some clear limits on usage at the beginning or you'll end up like me stomping round the house muttering about how annoying Facebook is.

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/02/2010 15:50

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maryz · 26/02/2010 17:06

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MarionCole · 26/02/2010 17:14

We allowed our 13 yr old onto Facebook on condition that she allowed both DH and I to be her friends.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 26/02/2010 17:30

Thanks grungeblob.

Original poster

busymummy3 · 26/02/2010 22:24

so the consensus of opinion seems to be what I thought I was going to have to do and let her have facebook on the understanding that it will be strictly controlled and thanks everyone for the advice to have my own facebook account and then make her my friend so I can (and will) check everything going on.I dont know anything about facebook, bebo twitter so guess I'll be on a learning curve.the things you do !

OP posts:

MmmCoffee · 26/02/2010 23:02

My 11yo DD has a FB account as all her friends do and I want her to 'fit in'. BUT it's on condition that I am a 'friend' AND I know her password.

I don't ever mention it, and never reply to any of her posts. I'm hoping she'll forget I'm even on there. What a great way of keeping tabs on what her and her friends are saying behind my back!

She's been on FB for about 2 months now and it's been very interesting so far...

McBitchy · 26/02/2010 23:04

yaNbu but this is mumsnet and I dare not expand on this

BitOfFun · 26/02/2010 23:10

The trouble with being her "friend" on it though, is that if she is savvy she can adjust her settings to regulate how much of her page you can actually see.

It is much wiser to insist on her log-in details so you can actually monitor things.

StewieGriffinsMom · 27/02/2010 07:57

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Nymphadora · 27/02/2010 08:05

FB now allowas you to pick who sees what you post so she would in theorybe able to stop you seeing so make sure you have her log in etc

Nymphadora · 27/02/2010 10:07

FB now allowas you to pick who sees what you post so she would in theorybe able to stop you seeing so make sure you have her log in etc

Pebbles71 · 27/02/2010 14:28

I feel very very strongly on this subject as it is still quite raw,only all happened last week...if every parent policed and monitered and knew what your children were putting on these social networks then the world would be a better place.....its still very raw for us but our 13 yr old was the only one in her class not to have facebook so I gave in and let her but I set up the account and became a friend on her list and knew her password...you can say i was experienced in this field as my 17 year old 2 years ago had bullying on bebo so Im very on my guard....well shes only been on it a week and we have had a serious incident where the main bully wrote such hateful things on my daughters page and her own page its utterly disgusting and do you know what is more disgusting is her mother is a friend on her daughters page so can see all what her daughter is posting....on this bullies page it even slates my daughteron the left hand side below her profile pic so the first thing everyone sees is this,she is evil....3 of her recruits join in and it becomes like a pack of wolves tearing apart a lamb....and its done in school time on school computers.....Im so angry right now as I write this as they only dealt with it yesterday at school.I have my daughters version of accounts as the school hasnt contacted me yet but they were told to go home and remove the horrible comments off their own pages...well 2 of them have the main bully hasnt....she is vile and her mother just as vile for allowing it.Im at the end of my tether with it all and think here we go again....I have another daughter yet whos 8 and its awful when you dread the time they ask about facebook....

StewieGriffinsMom · 27/02/2010 14:59

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