Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to to not allow my 13 year old to have Facebook?

39 replies

busymummy3 · 26/02/2010 14:32

She has been really good about this and up until now has not really been bothered. However is now starting to ask if she can have a Facebook account (neither me or DH have one)because she is starting to feel left out all her friends talking about it on bus home from school etc etc found myself saying the old adage ' I dont care what everyone else is doing youre not' which I vowed I never would with my kids as I hated my mum saying this to me when I was growing up. She is really sensible and very mature we do trust her its just the thought that she could be pulled into things we dont want her in eg conversations about others getting out of hand etc

OP posts:
jellybeans · 27/02/2010 15:05

I'm not sure. I think abit U but can't blame you. My DD, 13, has it but I can check as am her fb friend and know passwords. The ones who don't have it are sometimes made fun off unfortunately it is the in thing and social suicide at my DDs school if you don't have it (the kids assume they are not allowed it). If you deny it they may join anyway at the library etc, at least if you comprimise you have some control. Blanket bans tend to cause resentment.

bellavita · 27/02/2010 15:34

Tricky....

DS1 who will be 13 in June has asked on numerous occasions and we have always said no. However, I do know as he has shown me on mine that a lot of his school friends are on. So, on the condition that both DH and myself are on his friends list (and we have explained why to him) then it is ok for him to have one.

wannaBe · 27/02/2010 15:50

I think yanbu.

Facebook is so much more than just a chat tool. If she wants to chat with her friends then let her have msn.

I think too many parents underestimate what their children are capable of on the computer - remember they've grown up with it, we've had to learn it, iyswim, so to think that you have full control of what children are doing on the internet is very naive IMO.

Any parent that allows an under 13 yo to have facebook is just stupid and irresponsible. The 13 yo age limit is there for a reason - in order to protect children by not allowing their details to be given out. And by allowing children to lie about their age at eleven, twelve, you are essentially giving them the message that it's ok and they'll think nothing of lying at age fifteen, sixteen in order to buy cigarettes/alcohol/to get into nightclubs etc.

pointysayhiphip · 27/02/2010 16:13

yabu. At age 13, she is old enough to be on facebook and to start using it in a sensible way.

It is such a huge part of young people's social lives that I don't see the sense in bannin g it.

McBitchy · 27/02/2010 20:22

there is a lot of current research that says that despite computers - social networking etc are ' a huge part' of our childrens' lives this is not necessarily a good thing

MammaQ · 27/02/2010 22:10

pebbles 71 we have also has the same type
of situation as you this week on fb.
dd 13 ex primary school friend has posted a comment on a old school photograph,calling her a ugly f**r. I have politely approached her mum(school gate friend) who denied it refuses to take it off saying it makes her daughter guilty.she said her friends could of been on her computer.I have given her a week to take it off which she hasn't.
I have now phoned a solicitor and i am making
a appointment to go into her school this
week.
I feel so hurt for my dd i can't believe
a mum would leave this on her daughters
fb account.

poshsinglemum · 27/02/2010 22:36

It's no wonder that some kids turn out the way they do if the mothesr condone this sort of behaviour. Disgraceful. YANBU. I would ban facebook altogether if it was up to me but then I am a meanie!

poshsinglemum · 27/02/2010 22:37

mothers sorry

Ivykaty44 · 27/02/2010 22:43

my dd has fb - but It is on the condition I know her password.

it is all very well having your dd as a freidn on fb - but there are ways and means of hiding certain things from certian friends, mainly the people they don't want to see stuff.

teens are not slow on the ways and menas of doing this type of thing and are usually one step agead ofthe grown ups

So if you do let your dc have fb account and think that by being friends you will see everything and be able to check - please think again and ask for the password.

hippacrocadillypig · 27/02/2010 23:25

My DSD has a FB account (she is 13), she added me as a friend and although we don't have her password, the agreement is that DH can ask to see her account - she logs in he browses it - at any time - that means that even if she is 'selectively' posting we will know. DH also gets her to run through her friends list about once a month so we know that everyone she is linked to is a real friend who she knows in real life! If I had my way I would ban it entirely but you have to balance protecting them with making them a target by not letting them be involved with Pop Culture. (does that make sense - I've had a large glass of wine!)

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 28/02/2010 07:24

YABU. Yes there are risks - but these are just online versions of what is happening anyway in the RL. Being on FB doesnt make them happen, just gives them a channel.

Yes, teenagers write rude things on their pages - and at times I have been shocked at the sexual content of what gets written by both boys and girls on my DS' page. But it is how they talk - it's just we don't normally hear it - and it's worse to see it written down.

Our kids live in a world where there is how they connect and communicate - stopping them using online tools is like our parents stopping us using the telephone. And you could genuinely be damaging your daughter's friendships if she isn't able to be part of the crowd, talk about the latest jokes, games and applications etc. At my DS' school, teachers use FB to manage sports teams, communicate about trips etc.

Rather than blocking access to technology, I believe we as parents need to learn how to use it and understand it for ourselves, and then to teach our kids to use it safely, postively and well. That means teaching them to think about privacy settings, to think about their reputations and how they present themselves online, making them aware that anything that goes up online is there forever and for everyone to see. Of course there are risks, but just as we teach them to cross the road safely (and then secretly worry every time we know they are doing it), so we have to teach them to use technology safely.

ArcticFox · 28/02/2010 08:07

Pebbles 71- that is awful. I really feel for you. However, in defence of this girl's mother, just because you are a friend of someone on FB doesnt mean you can see what your friend writes on everyone's wall- for that, you need to be a friend of both the recipient and the writer. A lot depends on the individual settings of the recipient. Therefore, if your daughters settings are set to "only friends" then the bully's mum can't see what her daughter wrote on your daughter's page.

It may also be that her mother never goes on FB. My mum has an account but goes on about once every 6 months.

seeker · 28/02/2010 08:21

I may be going against the tide here, but yes, there is a chance of bullying on Facebook. There is also a chance of bullying in the playground, on the bus, in the loos at school, by passing hurtful notes in maths, by MSN, by email, by telling your big brother to tell your best friend that you are a slag, by knocking on your door, by landline telephone....the possibilities are endless. And Facebook has lots of advantages for teens - my dd's social life is arranged almost exclusively on facebook, she would miss out on so much if she wasn't allowed to go on it.

Most children are not bullies or bullied - and it seems to me that the time to deal with it is once it happens - not to restrict their lives in case it happens!

pointysayhiphip · 28/02/2010 09:43

Agree with workingitout and seeker.

I don't think banning something is the best way to deal with a tricky situation. And I am well aware of the trickiness involved.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page