to want to help choose stuff for the baby?

[namechangedforpost]

OK I name changed for this one because I feel like I'm a terrible person....

I'm pregnant with my first baby. I'm an only child and so this will be my mothers first grandchild. I'm currently living with my DP at the other end of the country from my family. Its not been that easy as I've had terrible morning sickness - couldn't leave the house for weeks, doctors said it was hyperemesis. Only 'just' beginning to feel even slightly better.

From the start, my mum has been telling me about all of the stuff that she wanted to buy / has bought for my baby. I didn't want to buy anything until after the first 12 weeks as I was a bit nervous about miscarrying, and then I felt so ill, that I haven't actually bought my baby anything yet. My mum on the other hand has been buying clothes and stuff - even though I asked her to wait. I know it sounds silly but I was really upset that the first thing bought for my baby wasn't something that I bought. I know its daft...

Now I'm a bit further on, and so I've started to look at cots and stuff. As my mum lives the other end of the country, shes announced that shes going to buy a whole set of baby stuff for her end. Again, I've asked her to wait, but explained (with the truth) which is that its because I want to help choose the stuff, just until she knows what kind of things I want for the baby. My mum is very much of the whole "I did it this way so that should be good enough for you" attitude - for example - when I said I wanted to breast feed, she took it as an insult because she hadn't and went on about how she didn't think that there was any difference between breast feeding and formula, and that if I breast fed, it would mean that I wouldn't be able to leave my baby with her when I went on holiday(??!)

Its not that I'm not grateful for her spending the money - another reason that I want to be involved and to take part and to choose stuff together is because DP and I are skint, and I want to get some of that retail therapy buzz from helping to choose stuff for my baby - but my mum went on about how I'm trying to impose my (Um can't remember what - she was just shouting that I was imposing - probably my taste or my will or something like that?)

I've tried involving her as much as I can - I've put together a list of everything that I think I may need and asked her opinion, and I've been emailing over photos of the stuff I see on ebay and gumtree and asking her what she thinks and stuff but she wants to choose all the stuff for her end without seeing what I think.

I'm not ungrateful - I'm not - and it is making it so much easier for her to have stuff at her end and yet she hasn't asked me at all what I would like to have at her house, just told me that shes going to buy this, this n this. DP and I have arranged a trip down to see her in a few weeks so we could do some mother-daughter bonding which I'm kinda dreading cos she was shouting at me last night so much.

AIBU? Or rather - how totally unreasonable am I being?

You are being quite unreasonable, you know!! She's buying things to keep at her house, I assume? I think you therefore have to let her do that - i wouldn't have told my mum what to buy when she bought a cot, changing mat etc.

Pregnancy does funny things to your brain - I promise you you'll look back in a couple of years and laugh about this. Definitely not worth arguing with your mum about.

The bottle feeding, on the other hand, is a different matter...

YANBU this is your first baby and you want to pick everything for the baby, I understand where your coming from, I was the same.

Why don't you spend the weekend with her buying baby stuff or send her an email with links to the different things you like.

You're not B U in that she has been mean to you and (personal bugbear alert) I would be very tempted to tell her to stick her views on breastfeeding up where the sun don't shine..
I digress..
But, as, if I understand correctly, you're talking about the baby stuff just for when you're down at hers, I would grin and bear it.. You're not going to be there that often, are you? And there's not that much she can get wrong..
BUt for your own pram etc which YOU will be using 365 days a year you need to stand up to her and say that you're doing your research very carefully, that a lot has changed since she was last shopping for babygear and.. if she buys it without you seeing it, you will very possibly take it back..

My sister was hospitalised several times for hyperemesis.. my heart goes out to you..

Smile and nod and let her do whatever it is she wants.

Then do/buy whatever it is you want and don't worry about it anymore.

If this is just about stuff she is buying to keep at her house then yes, YABU I'm afraid. Let her have her excitement and be grateful that you won't have to lug your stuff with you when you go to visit.

I think she´s entitled to buy what she wants to keep at her house so for that yabu.

I'd let her get on with it, she sounds like she's setting herself up for a major upset in the future, the type that get pissed off when the baby only wants his/her mum but it's a case of having learn the hard way.

I can sympathise, my Mum was a bit (still is) crazy about her first grandchild. (by that I mean calls herself 'mummy' just to give you an idea)

Before dd arrived mum had bought a set of everything for her house, at the time I felt overwhelmed by that, but as time has gone on, I felt less stressed by it, it was actually a big help.

Her opinions on bf/ff are not relevant to you, you feed your baby how you want. I would be pissed off by that.

I wasn't personally bothered about who bought dd's clothes etc, they grow out of everything so fast, but can appreciate not everyone feels the same. And she shouldn't shout at you, you are pregnant and allowed to be a bit hormonal and particular about what you want.

yabu in the fact that you can't afford to buy it and she can so if she want's to spend her money on her 1st grandchild you can't really moan about it.

I think it rather depends on what she's buying - if she's stocking up on formula and bottles (or anything else that expressly contradicts or undermines your parenting choices) then YANBU. But, if it's just stuff like cots (which the baby will need anyway when you visit her) then she isn't BU to want to pick the one that she likes for her house. Of course, it would be a different kettle of fish if she was buying stuff to be kept at your house.

Lastly, she IBVVU to be mean to you. She should be more understanding, esp as you clearly have had a rough ride thus far.

You poor thing, it sounds as if you have been having such a horrible time with sickness. If I were in your shoes, I would be feeling bounced by my mum making so many plans when I hadn't had the time and energy to even begin getting my head around things (I'm still doing that and DS is almost a year ).

Try not to worry about things she is going to be keeping at her house. And don't worry about the clothes - seriously you will be appalled at how quickly they grow out of them, especially if cash is tight for you.

Just make sure you have the clothes that you want for your little one to wear as soon as they are born (I'd go for white vests and sleepsuits and a lovely snuggly blanket personally). That will be their first outfit and that's what really matters. After that, it will all be in and out of the wash in a whirl, trust me!

Hope you are feeling much better soon.

You're not a terrible person!

Your feelings are understandable. Still, if you let her have her own way about what to buy it may soften the blow later when she realises you're not going to bottlefeed, not going on holiday so she can have the baby, and so on.

This is your baby not hers, but you don't have to rub this in her face yet. Hopefully reality can sink in gradually.

LOL secondcoming my MIL is going out of her mind this time around. We will be moving home with baby in July and I suspect she will have a fully kitted out nursery/pram everything.

She has (quite selfishly ) baulked at buying me a nice new car, even though it is for her grandchildren!

Maybe you could try that OP? Push and push and push for her to buy things until she realises you are teasing her?

It doesn't matter what she buys for her house. But if she is buying anything for your house then YANBU. I remember how excited I was about buying things. We had tried for 3 years and were told it was unlikely we would conceive without IVF. We did 3 weeks we were due to start so there was no way anyone was taking the pleasure of me picking out my baby stuff away from me. My nan and grandad paid for the cot but we picked it and they just gave us the money.

I like Morloths idea of pushing for ridiculous things for her to buy you.

And just ignore her on the feeding thing. Its your choice and it actually sounds like its a good job she doesn't live near you.

Remember, its YOUR child, not hers.

If you're skint, can't you ask her, instead of buying stuff for her end that won't get used much, buy some nice stuff your your end? It seems a bit odd that you're struggling but she'll have all new kit.

You can say that you can bring it with you if you visit her? (E.g. baby gyms, baths, moses baskets are relatively easy to stick in the car)

I can see where you're coming from. It's your baby and I guess you feel you should be the one doing all this shopping.

But then a gentle yabu because it's her house and well, she can put in it what she likes. Are you worried her stuff is going to be more expensive and more of it than at yours? The baby won't care. The baby will really only want his/her mum anyway.

But it could be a good indication as to how she's going to be when the baby is here. Will she try to take over? Will she criticise your parenting choices?

I'd definitely try to educate her a bit about breastfeeding. She's very wrong about that and I hope she doesn't try to bother you about it when your baby arrives.

Your mum is bullying you. You don't have to put up with that - ultimately you have what your mum wants - the baby.

You're not imposing - she is. Telling you that you are going to leave your small baby with her for days or a week, is imposing on you.

Shouting at you over this is not on. Now might be a good time to set a few boundaries. Can you get your dp to call her and say you're really upset by her behaviour, don't feel you can cope with her right now, and you are postponing the visit? Give her a little time to think that you don't have to visit her when the baby is born, either.

OTOH, she can buy what she likes for her house. Obviously you will be choosing which of her things you use. One of my children refused to sleep anywhere but her own cot or her own travel cot - it wouldn't have been any use my mum buying a cot for her house, we'd have had to lug the travel cot along anyway, if we wanted any sleep (not that my mum would dream of having us to stay, but that's another thread). If you don't like the clothes your mum bought, dress her in your own. If your mum is horrid to you, go home early. You don't have to be bullied.

On the feeding thing I think the line to take is that you don't blame her for bottle feeding you - at the time the science wasn't there and bottle feeding was heavily promoted by midwives - you do understand that she was doing what she thought best for you, just like you will try to do your very best for your baby.

My mum was really supportive of my breastfeeding, but I know that it made her feel very guilty about bottle feeding me, and it took a huge effort to overcome the urge to say the things your mum's saying.

YAB a bit U, but your mum is being more U.

Even though after a while you won't care what cot etc. the baby has, it is nice to choose the first stuff yourself.

And your mum has blatantly gone against your requests not to buy things.

IF I were you I would be a bit worries about her suggestion that you will be leaving the baby with her to go on holiday.

It sounds like she is setting out to be a bit overbearing and bossy over the whole thing, and you might need to assert your authority early on before she gets carried away. Oh, and DON'T tell her in advance what names you're planning on, in case she tries to get involved in that.

Adults don't have to put up with anyone shouting at them-put the phone down if she tries that again and ask for an apology when she's stopped.

You're a little unreasonable for wanting to choose eupment for her house unless you think it's dangerous.

The breastfeeding/holiday stuff- just ignore it. You are in charge of your baby and you never have to do anything you don't want to do.

Perhaps you need to cool things a little-maybe put off the bonding trip. If not you need to use the word 'umm' a lot and leave a book about being a good grandparent on your way out!

oh yes DO NOT TELL HER THE NAMES!

Also a good line for the breastfeedikng stuff is to shift responsibility-' the doctors and midwives have all told me I have to do it.....'

My Mum and Dad sound abit like your Mum OP. When I was pg with DS they went on about how Mum would be looking after baby when I went back to work. I hadn't even had DS yet and I had never discussed what my childcare arrangements would be IF I even went back to work, they were very over bearing. When I informed them that DS would be going to nursery when I went back to work they had a big rant about how they thought nursery was wrong and cruel. I basically took that opportunity to tell them that he wasn't their child he was mine and that frankly it was none of their business.
They are better now that I have told them some home truths and put them in their place, the tendency is still there but they reign it in now.
My advice would be tell her to butt out with the breast feeding thing and tell her you very much doubt you will be leaving your baby with her so you can bugger off on holiday. Set the boundries now as it WILL get worse once the baby is here.

Definitely DO NOT DISCUSS NAMES!

I made that mistake with my MIL who promptly posted a book of baby names with a post it note on it with her suggestions!

I would be more concerned about the whole bf and having the baby while you go on holiday.

Tell her BF is what you have been told by the medical professionals.

Also make sure you point out you have no intention of heading off on holiday without your baby!