to want to help choose stuff for the baby?

[namechangedforpost]

OK I name changed for this one because I feel like I'm a terrible person....

I'm pregnant with my first baby. I'm an only child and so this will be my mothers first grandchild. I'm currently living with my DP at the other end of the country from my family. Its not been that easy as I've had terrible morning sickness - couldn't leave the house for weeks, doctors said it was hyperemesis. Only 'just' beginning to feel even slightly better.

From the start, my mum has been telling me about all of the stuff that she wanted to buy / has bought for my baby. I didn't want to buy anything until after the first 12 weeks as I was a bit nervous about miscarrying, and then I felt so ill, that I haven't actually bought my baby anything yet. My mum on the other hand has been buying clothes and stuff - even though I asked her to wait. I know it sounds silly but I was really upset that the first thing bought for my baby wasn't something that I bought. I know its daft...

Now I'm a bit further on, and so I've started to look at cots and stuff. As my mum lives the other end of the country, shes announced that shes going to buy a whole set of baby stuff for her end. Again, I've asked her to wait, but explained (with the truth) which is that its because I want to help choose the stuff, just until she knows what kind of things I want for the baby. My mum is very much of the whole "I did it this way so that should be good enough for you" attitude - for example - when I said I wanted to breast feed, she took it as an insult because she hadn't and went on about how she didn't think that there was any difference between breast feeding and formula, and that if I breast fed, it would mean that I wouldn't be able to leave my baby with her when I went on holiday(??!)

Its not that I'm not grateful for her spending the money - another reason that I want to be involved and to take part and to choose stuff together is because DP and I are skint, and I want to get some of that retail therapy buzz from helping to choose stuff for my baby - but my mum went on about how I'm trying to impose my (Um can't remember what - she was just shouting that I was imposing - probably my taste or my will or something like that?)

I've tried involving her as much as I can - I've put together a list of everything that I think I may need and asked her opinion, and I've been emailing over photos of the stuff I see on ebay and gumtree and asking her what she thinks and stuff but she wants to choose all the stuff for her end without seeing what I think.

I'm not ungrateful - I'm not - and it is making it so much easier for her to have stuff at her end and yet she hasn't asked me at all what I would like to have at her house, just told me that shes going to buy this, this n this. DP and I have arranged a trip down to see her in a few weeks so we could do some mother-daughter bonding which I'm kinda dreading cos she was shouting at me last night so much.

AIBU? Or rather - how totally unreasonable am I being?

"I made that mistake with my MIL who promptly posted a book of baby names with a post it note on it with her suggestions!"

Did you use any of her suggestions? Just out of curiosity .

Am I right in thinking that if she lives at the other end of the country, then you don't see her that often? If that's the case, is it worth gently suggesting that it would be a real shame for her to buy lots of lovely kit for the baby if it's just going to sit there unused and getting dusty (as well as being a waste of her money!)or if the baby will outgrow some of the stuff between visits?

Definitely push the idea of docs/mws being hot on the idea of bf though

Hmmm. Mums can sometimes get it so wrong, with the best will in the world. She sounds like she is trying to be very generous, but it hasn't quite occurred to her quite how selfish her actions actually are.

Fruitful made a good point when she said that you needed to set some boundaries - I'd definitely try and sort some limits out before the baby arrives.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, and felt the same about the first 12wks being a bit uncertain. At 20wks I had a bit of a scare (looked like I might lose DD1 for a while). My mum kindly began ringing every single day to describe the items that she was knitting for the baby - a baby that I felt I might lose at any point. (She hadn't given a thought to knitting in years until I mentioned that I was planning to knit a couple of bits for my new baby myself). I didn't feel like I could allow myself to buy anything/do any knitting 'just in case,' and every phone call with my mum left me in tears. It was like she was taking over and doing all the things I wanted to but wasn't able to. She was only trying to help, but I wish I had had the guts to say something and get her to back off.

Perhaps make it clear how grateful you are for her generosity, but think carefully about the limits you want to impose - it is YOUR baby!

Coldhands - NO we didn't use her suggestion!

i was going to make the same point as blonde36er that maybe you should remind your mum of the money she is spending and how its lovely of her to be thinking of the baby when it visits that maybe its a bit too expensive to buy certain things the baby might never use or grow out of between visits.
And sometimes babies only like their own things, blankets/cots/etc as have their own smell and familiarity(sp?)

And maybe just try and forgot what she says regarding BF etc..its your baby you get to choose how to feed.
And as for bottlefeeding my DS refused to let his grandad feed or hold him for almost a year.

Make your own list with your DH of things you might like to buy for your baby.

Personally, I don't think you're being that unreasonable. I don't think I'd go as far as calling you unreasonable at all, in fact.

I do get what you're saying, because my mum was the same. (Thank christ she lives 300 miles away!) It's not that you don't want people to buy stuff, its that you don't want them to buy the wrong stuff, right? Even if it's only going to be 'at her house' we all know that once she realises how little the baby will actually be there, she'll be trying to get you to take it on, with the smaller items at least. I mean, she's hardly going to be keeping a stock of clothes at her place if you only see her every now and then, which puts the onus on you to put the baby in the clothes she bought. Gurr. I feel your pain. I also feel the irritation you're probably getting from the fact that she's spending money you would love to have for baby stuff on things you're probably going to hate.

My mum turned up after DS was born witha a crate of nappies which wouldn't even fit him for another twelve weeks (and didn't fit him all that well even then; he seems to have a pampers-shaped bum, and these were huggies...) two pairs of little newborn shoes (SHOES!?!?!?) and a bunch of ugly sleepsuits which he never wore, as well as some muslins which were actually very useful. Oh, and a few enormous teddies which he has never liked as they were bigger than he was at birth, and still too big for him to cuddle even now he's 22 months...

Yeah, it's annoying. All that money could have gone on something useful, such as a mothercare voucher. This time around, she's already offering to buy stuff again, but is at least asking what I need beforehand. (It was also really sad that I didn't get to choose DS's cot, but PIL bought it for us secondhand, and as we were quite literally flat broke I didn't mind too much. I'd seen it new in a catalogue and quite liked it anyway.)

You need to stand up to her before she arirves on your doorstep with a bunch of crap you'll want to dump at a charity shop on principle (especially if you're as stubborn as me!). And frankly, if she starts up about you breastfeeding again, hang up and wait for her to apologise. You do not need a controlling mother around, even at the end of the phone. I'd beware though - my mum tries to make up for the fact that she isn't there in person by buying DS a lot of big presents when she sees him, which we then have to find room for. We've taken the tactic of hinting that we don't have much room at all, and now she (mostly) sends vouchers. Still, it took two years, a ball pool and a bunch of toys he won't grow into for a year before that happened, so start now.

Yes, agree, advise her to hold fire with buying baby stuff for her house because there's a real danger that you will not get down/up with the baby at the right age for them to be used - and therefore be a waste of money and that will be another brickbat for her to beat you with - and if she insists, then say ok your choice.

Don't discuss bf with her (get the contact nos. of la leche league to give you support when the time comes) nor names.