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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect that my ex husband will continue to pay me

51 replies

cutupmum · 24/02/2010 15:05

£600 pm as per court order when one of my two children has chosen to live with him - he stopped the money for both children 4 days after I asked him to have my daughter when my dad was admitted to hospital -i found out when i went to do the weekly shop

he is supposed to have them for at least 6 weeks in the year anyway ( he doesnt) I am really upset . Of course he has bought my daughter expensive clothes and when I asked him on the phone he suggested I ought to pay him money(!)when they both lilved with me they always saw him once a week and we kept him upt to date with school happenings. Now I never see my daughter and only found out she was in a school concert on the day by chance
so its two things really: the money and: my daughter (who is going to be 17 next week and considers herself to have been thrown out)

OP posts:
nevereatbrownsnow · 24/02/2010 15:40

YABU, as you only have one child, payments should be halved at least.

Your daughter is 17 and more than able to pass on msgs herself, take the issue up with her not him.

llareggub · 24/02/2010 15:50

I'm afraid I think you are being unreasonable. There seems to be quite a bit unsaid here; why does your daughter consider herself thrown out?

Sassybeast · 24/02/2010 16:04

So you still expect him to pay YOU maintenance for the child who no longer lives with you ? If so YABU. I hope you can resolve things with your daughter.

ChickensHaveSinisterMotives · 24/02/2010 16:05

YABU, based on the info you have provided.

happymatleave · 24/02/2010 16:09

YABU to expect him to pay you for both children when one is now living with him. Is he still paying you money for your other DC?

Just aside £600!!!!!! how did you ever manage to get that amount? I am just being nosey now

LaurieFairyCake · 24/02/2010 16:11

You might have to get this reassessed - on the face of it having one child each with roughly the same income should make it equitable.

I am wondering if the court would take into account the different standards of living of each child - so if for example one child was living in a family with plenty of money and you and your other child were living on a very limited income.

What are your financial circumstances now that its just you and one child?

OrmRenewed · 24/02/2010 16:14

I don't understand. Why would he pay you for 2 kids if only one lives with you? I'm sorry you feel upset about your DD's decision but it's got nothing to do with the money.

nevereatbrownsnow · 24/02/2010 16:30

This thread makes me feel bit grubby atch.

Children do not equal money.

happymatleave · 24/02/2010 16:33

They don't equal money but they do cost money to bring up and look after. I see what you mean though.

BritFish · 24/02/2010 16:42

i must be misunderstanding this, you're not actually expecting him to pay maintenance for a child who doesnt live with you, right?

nevereatbrownsnow · 24/02/2010 16:48

Thats my point, she seems to bang on about the loss of money more than the loss of her child.

She can't expect him to pay her for a child that lives with him !!

annh · 24/02/2010 16:55

On the one hand you say your dd chose to live with your ex, but in the same sentence you say you asked him to have her when your dad was admitted to hospital. Was that supposed to be a temporary arrangement which then somehow became permanent when she decided she wanted to stay? If she is 17, I'm not sure why she couldn't just have stayed home while your dad was in hospital - unless perhaps you were spending all your time with him in hospital? But in that case, where was your other - presumably younger - child? I can kind of see why she would consider herself "thrown out" in a teenagery kind of way, especially if you didn't explain it very clearly to her.

In any case, the money is supposed to be for the needs of the children, if one is no longer living with you, then I don't think you can expect to still receive the same amount of money but YANBU to expect to still receive some for he younger child.

StrictlyKatty · 24/02/2010 17:24

What on earth?! Why should be pay you for 2 children when only one lives with you?

Will you be paying him toward your DD who lives with him? If not I don't think either of you should get anything.

You have one child each. Noone owes either more than the other.

GetOrfMoiLand · 24/02/2010 17:31

Would have far more sypmathy if your OP was 'what can I do problems with 17 year old dd, she is now living with her dad and I miss her and want to sorts things' rather than your grasping money obsessed OP.

It does seem that you are more worried about your 'entitlement' to £600 per month than your daughter. Which could well be part of the reason she is living with her dad.

worldgonemad72 · 24/02/2010 18:34

If you are both looking after 1 child each then i dont see why he should pay you anything tbh

nbee84 · 24/02/2010 18:38

If you have 1 child living with you he should be paying you £300 per month. He has 1 living with him so you should e paying him £300 per month. I make that evens!

heQet · 24/02/2010 21:45

I think you should get nothing.

You have one child, he has the other. You pay for everything for the one that's with you, and he pays for everything for the one that's with him.

Either that, or you give him £300 a month and he gives you £300 a month.

And I've just looked up and nbee84 has said exactly that, but I shall say it again anyway

Petitioner · 24/02/2010 21:58

I have 3 children living with me. No one gives me £600 a month.

I work

violethill · 24/02/2010 22:33

Agree with nbee84 and heQet.

Oh and also Petitioner. I have 3 children and would LOVE someone to just 'give me' any money at all. DH and I EARN it!

pithyslicker · 24/02/2010 22:37

Just a slight change of tone:

Legally if it is a court order he should still be paying you unless he seeks a variation.

Morally of course it is a different matter...
More info required.

hatesponge · 24/02/2010 22:42

I dont understand why if your daughter is nearly 17 she had to be sent to her dads when her granddad went into hospital - and presumably you weren't at home for a while - why couldnt she look after herself for a short while? Or have I missed something?

Also dont understand why your daughter thinks she has been thrown out, & why sorting things out with her is not apparently more of an issue than your ex reducing your maintenance......

BigBadMummy · 24/02/2010 22:43

Absolutely agree with all other posts, YABU.

I have three DCs and get £300 a month. How you got £600 for two is amazing.

You cannot have the money when you don't have the DCs. It is maintenance for them, not for you to maintain your lifestyle.

And your OP is very sad as it just concentrates on the money issue, and not your 17 year old's feelings.

It would be interesting to see her respond to this thread.

MillyMollyMoo · 24/02/2010 22:49

Yeah but to just find out the maintance has stopped when you're at the check out is a bit immature, things must have broken down for the communication to be so poor.
Either that or the OP hasn't explained herself very well.

gaelicsheep · 24/02/2010 22:55

I read the OP that one daughter has already chosen to live with her dad, who continued to pay maintenance until he also had the other daughter to stay. Have I misunderstood?

That being the case, apart from not communicating that the maintenance was stopping (although it sounds like common sense) I don't see what the OP's DH has done wrong. In fact it sounds like she's lucky it continued at that level for so long.

wook · 24/02/2010 23:11

? Is this serious??
Do people really get ex dh's to give them £600 a month for the children?

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