Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to be really p***** off with our au pair for the following...

43 replies

mousemole · 24/02/2010 14:04

Au pair has been with us for 5 months. She is a really nice girl and good with the kids. We've just been on holiday for 2 weeks. I paid her for when we were away and also lined up a weeks work with a friend so she could top up her income. We have some house rules of no smoking ( not that she smokes but previous Au Pairs have)in the house and also I asked when we were away that she didn't have any visitors as I wasn't comfortable not knowing who was in my house. She arranged for a friend to visit when we were away and said the friend was staying in a local b and b and that they were going to explore the UK for a few days.
Anyway, back from holiday today - house stinks of fags and the spare bedroom has clearly been slept in. I am seething.....AIBU ? I don't know what to say or do...

OP posts:

thehillsarealive · 24/02/2010 14:06

what can you do? you set some house rules and she broke them, I would talk to her about it or sack her.

MrsTriangle · 24/02/2010 14:07

I would make it quite clear that it is unacceptable and a sackable offence. Ask her to clean the room, wiping all walls and furniture and washing all linen until the smell goes away. And say if it happens again, she is fired.

BusyMissIzzy · 24/02/2010 14:09

YANBU. You were very considerate to pay her and find her extra work while you were away, you set simple and reasonable house rules and she obviously broke them. Agree with thehills that you should at least have strong words with her.

Original poster

mousemole · 24/02/2010 14:10

thehillsarealive, I am tempted to sack her. Just don't feel I can trust her. I asked her about the smell of smoke and she denied she had. Unbelievable - the house smells like an ashtray. Given she doesn't smoke I can only assume whoever she had here did. MrsTriangle, I am tempted to make her wash everything - the whole house reeks.

OP posts:

Blu · 24/02/2010 14:13

I'd be furious.
But on the premise that au pairs are meant to ive as a member of the amily, this does sound v much the sort of thing a teenager / v young woman would do if she was your dd...so I would get her to clean the room as someone else suggested, tll her it really wasn't OK, and put it down to experience.

However, given that she looks after your kids, wouldn't you have expected her to be able to be sensible in choosing a friend to stay? She may have felt a little lonely / unsafe in a house on her own for 2 weeks. In future, maybe say a friend to stay, but we'd like to be able to meet them or know who they are first.

ILIVEONBENEFITS · 24/02/2010 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Strix · 24/02/2010 14:15

Unless your contract says otherwise normal disciplinary procedure is:

verbal warning
written warning
Dismissal

If you want to terminate her if she does this again, you better give her a written warning... unless you think this is gross misconduct and qualifies for immediate dismissal. Check your contract.

I would be very annoyed since she not only missed what was in the house rules, but you reminded her before you left. So there is no innocent mistake here. She deliberately disobeyed you. In my contract, this is covered under the immediate dismissal section. But, I don't think I would exercise it. I would be annoyed, but would give her another chance to get her act together.

Original poster

mousemole · 24/02/2010 14:16

Blu, I agree although she is 25yr old post grad so not really a young, naive teenager. I asked her if she was going to be OK in the house and she said yes fine, no problem.

OP posts:

LittleMrsHappy · 24/02/2010 14:17

Does she live with you?

If so, it is her place of residence also, I would be fuming at the smoking aspect, but I would give her a stern warning and for it not to happen again!

Id also think before you sack her also, have you written a contract to say she cannot have guests over to stay or cannot smoke in the household, as she might take you to court for unfair dismissal, as ultimately it is your word against hers?

What is her contract terms and conditions, is she on a probation period?

I would not put up with the smoking aspect, but I also dont think its "fair" that she cannot have friends over if it is also her place of residence.

SloanyPony · 24/02/2010 14:22

A stern talking to, possibly something in writing if you think she's going to be a problem in future, is what I would do. I'd be more dissapointed with the denial of smoking than the fact that smoking happened - does she think you are stupid or something? Very dissapointing.

BratleyBackToNormal · 24/02/2010 14:23

I agree, treat the situation like you would a teenage DD this time.
Tell her she needs to clean the room, get rid of the smell and start afresh.
But there'll be no 2nd chance. She broke the rules, next time she'll be packing her bags.

I also agree with Blu though, she's a young girl, presumably a fair distance from home, maybe letting her have someone to stay while you're away isn't such a bad thing, depending on who it is and if you're happy with the other person respecting your rules too.

BratleyBackToNormal · 24/02/2010 14:25

Oops, cross post, didn't see the fact she's 25 before I posted!
Hmm, maybe she should know better then.

Original poster

mousemole · 24/02/2010 14:28

Strix, thanks for the reminder - I'll dig out the contract. Luckily I've still got the note I went through with her before I went which specifically says no house guest whilst we are away and the general house rules handbook clearly has about the no smoking. I feel really let down - and the fact she is now lying about the smoking is v.annoying !

OP posts:

NonnoMum · 24/02/2010 14:30

Yuk - I hate smoking too and it's not allowed in my house.

However, when DSS (20) comes to stay, although she doesn't actually smoke in or anywhere near the house, it still whiffs of fags as they are so ingrained on her (coat, hair etc).

She even noticed it on herself when she was last here.

Au pair may have forbidden friend to smoke and friend may have let her down (she still let her/him stay though)

don't know what to say really. Just be really British about it and be very huffy for several weeks without actually tackling the problem!! ( I know I would!!)

Original poster

mousemole · 24/02/2010 14:32

yes the denial of the smoking is crazy - how stupid does she think I am !! No smoking is documented as well as no house guests when we are away - normally it is fine when we are around.
I've already given her a verbal warning, about a month after she started when she stayed out all night ( not a problem although I was worried about her) but she showed up 2hrs late for work in the morning, stinking of booze and still half cut ! I chalked it up to naivety on her part and said please don't let anything like this happen again because I really like you but this arrangement has to work for me as well as you

OP posts:

thehillsarealive · 24/02/2010 14:33

25!! she should know better

sit her down, tell her to clean the room - and that you are not happy as you feel she lied (and didnt even do a good job of covering it up!) to you.

If you dont want to get rid of her then spell out that this is her very very last chance and anything more and she will be gone.

Yes she lives in the house, but that doesnt mean she can take liberties. Shame others dont feel the same as me, I would never treat someone elses property in such a shoddy way - especially if my job depended on it.

Strix · 24/02/2010 14:34

In view of the facts that:

She is lying to you. (Assuming you are absolutely certain)
You reminded her of the rule and she confirmed she was happy with it to not have guests.

I would think she was very dishonest and I'm not sure I could trust her again. On this basis I would give her a written warning, and I would probably consider sacking her. How can you leave your children in the care of someone you cannot trust?

Is her probation period nearing an end? Does she have a probation period?

probono · 24/02/2010 14:37

"I'd be furious. But on the premise that au pairs are meant to live as a member of the family.."

Au pairs are not members of the family.

If she was a teenage member of your family, you could chuck her out, yell at her, ground her, confiscate her stuff etc etc. All sorts of mostly unsuitable but not illegal ways of dealing with recalcitrance and disrespect.

She's a 25-year-old part time employee living with a family under a contract. Deal with it as you feel you need to according to the contract.

Skegness · 24/02/2010 14:42

Agree with blu. I think she was out of order (not to mention stupid- all she had to do to get away with it was tidy up and realise that smoke stinks so go outside- dur! Do you think she felt subliminally guilty and wanted to be caught?). However, I think the no friends over rule was pretty harsh tbh, and it's no wonder she resorted to sneaky subterfuge (albeit badly implemented). You are the powerful bosswoman and I imagine that however lovely you are (and I'm sure you are) it is perhaps quite hard as a lowly au pair to say "hey I really think I'll need to have a few mates over during the fortnight and actually I'd really like one of my friends to stay over, please." Hope you manage to sort it out and move forward.

BoffinMum · 24/02/2010 14:45

Technically speaking there's no such things as an au pair any more. And it's illegal to smoke in your workplace. And a breach of contract to let unauthorised people in to the employer's house.

I would sack her on the spot.

Original poster

mousemole · 24/02/2010 14:47

oh gawd, by coincidence I've just been opening the holiday mail and see despite a rule we have where she can call home to Spain up to 1hr a week and any local calls, she has called a UK mobile LOADS and racked up £20 of calls in a 2 week period !
No probabtion period unfortunately.

OP posts:

Skegness · 24/02/2010 14:48

"Just be really British about it and be very huffy for several weeks without actually tackling the problem!!"

LOVE it and lololol @this, nonna! I agree that it is amazing how many problems really do fade into insignificance without being directly addressed. I am a big fan of the reactivly huffing and puffing rather than the proactively tackling the problem too.

Strix · 24/02/2010 14:51

Deduct the difference between £20 and your idea of reasonable from her pay.

I am leaning towards advising you to sack her.

Make two lists. Title one "Reasons to keep THIS au pair" and the other one "Things that piss me off about this au pair"

And let us know which list ismore convincing.

Original poster

mousemole · 24/02/2010 14:56

I would really like to be British and huffy and puffy for weeks.... BUT I feel like I have been taken for a bloomin fool.
The dimwit didn't even think to open the blind in the spare room or hoover ( floor has got quite a bit of mud on it) so she made really NO effort to cover up she had visitors staying !!

OP posts:

BoffinMum · 24/02/2010 14:56

£20 is not a lot tbh
One of mine spent £100 in the same period once

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread