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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dp has been told that work want him to go away overnight a couple of day's before I am due to give birth to dc3

70 replies

bogie · 23/02/2010 20:52

His work have said they need him to go away for a piss up meeting 3 days before my due date.

I have very very sevre spd and I can't even stand up for more than a few min's without my back giving up completly, and there is no way on earth I can carry/pick up the kids as I just end up in a heap. I don't drive so I can't take dc's to nursery. My mum is a full time carer for my as/diabetic brother so isn't really able to help in a big way.

Dp thinks I am over reacting but I really think he should say no and let someone else go.
Our dc's are 4 and 18 months, I keep having very strong bh atm and I was the same with dd and she came 9 days early.

OP posts:

JackSpratt · 24/02/2010 12:42

I am assuming that if the OP went into labour the DP would come back. (and NOT pissed) I have quick labours (3 hrs) but that would still give an hour leeway if OP's dh is two hours away.

Dh was on a no booze curfew for a month before both my due dates which seems sensible.

dh has and hour and a half commute every day anyway (so 3 hr round trip) would you seriously suggest he stays at home on the off chance I might go into labour?

(Am currently PG with no 3 so I could be posting this in a few months)

expatinscotland · 24/02/2010 12:43

'Maybe his work has had a load of redundancies, maybe the pressure is on, maybe he has 20 year olds snipping at his heels. he has a family to support, and one on the way'

She already said none of that is the case.

And scary, yes, elderly cats are right up there with little kids. Um, the former you can leave on their own, the latter it's a criminal offense to do so.

GetOrfMoiLand · 24/02/2010 12:50

Lol at the elderly cats you nutter.

I seriously think that most managers in decent companies (and OP's DH doesn't work for some hole in the corner affair) would be of the understanding that men will need to be around for their pregnant wives. I work for a pretty hard nosed organisation which doesn;t suffer fools, however there is not manager here who I would think would 'insist' on any member of staff going on a jolly whilst his wife was 3 days away from birth date.

Thinks OP's DH is a selfish arse who is just using 'work pressiure' as an excuse.

LilyLovesSid · 24/02/2010 12:54

I have quick labours (3 hrs)

Right, so we should all say it's accceptable for him to go away going on the length of your labours should we Jack? My labour with DD2 was 90 minutes, which is just as irrelevant.

Of course you can't suggest your DH stays home - driving is his job. Going away on a jolly is not the bogie's DH's job. Two different things.

JackSpratt · 24/02/2010 13:23

sigh

I can only talk from my own experience..as can any one of us.

IMHO the OP is being (mildly) unreasonable.

My mother says right at the beginning of her sentences as well..

[another experience]

LilyLovesSid · 24/02/2010 13:34

Right

The thing is Jack, your experience wasn't anything like the OP's - she has a crippling, painful condition making it nigh on impossible to do everyday tasks.

It isn't apparently essential for her DH to be at this meeting, so why should he go? Surely you can see that the OP will need a lot of help at that time, even if she doesn't go into labour.

JackSpratt · 24/02/2010 13:38

Right [rightbackattcha]
Thia isn't my thread.
Its not ALL about me.

I just don't think (in my experience) its such a big thing.

This is AIBU you are allowed to have different viewpoints [albeit it wrong ones IYO]

LilyLovesSid · 24/02/2010 13:50

Fair point, I guess we'll just have to agree to differ.

JackSpratt · 24/02/2010 15:39

Sorted

SkaterGrrrrl · 24/02/2010 15:57

YANBU

He's this baby's father - and a grown man. He should be taking responsibility for his family.

I'm pregnant and I expect DH to support me and look after me when I need it.

I hope you can persuade him to change his mind, but really, it should be a given that he would turn down this trip.

scaryteacher · 25/02/2010 08:42

My cats were my babies until I had ds, and no, they couldn't be left without food for the time I had to stay in hospital as ds was in SCBU for a while and we didn't manage to escape from the hospital for 10 days.

I didn't know for sure that dh would be away, he was due to be back for the due date, but ds decided to come early and I had put plans in place for that. However, even if dh had been home, he didn't want to be there for the birth and I wasn't sure I wanted him there anyway; my friend having had 4 kids knew what was what and wasn't fazed by anything; whereas dh wouldn't have known what to do.

Original poster

bogie · 25/02/2010 09:34

scary - In no circumstances can cat's be compared to children really in all honesty, it does make you sound a little bit of a loon... I can't leave 2 toddlers for 10 mins on their own, if you had to you could leave the cats and get someone to call over the next day or god forbid they manage for 2 days without food, then somebody comes over to feed them, also I have no friends or family anywhere near me and my 2 friend's that would possibly be able to help don't drive either so really wouldn't be of much help if I went into labour in the middle of the night as they would have to get buses and taxi's from miles away to get here.

Well I explained all of this to dp told him that I wouldn't be able to contact him, that no one would be here for the dc's if I needed and he has said that he won't go now....... But he is still being an arse about it oh well at least a stroppy dp is better than worrying about everything and trying to do it all on my own.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 25/02/2010 10:31

they're cats, scary. no comparison with children.

scaryteacher · 25/02/2010 13:10

I had no family near me and friends were at least a 20 minute drive away as I lived at the time in rural Cornwall. I went into labour 5 weeks early, despite the bloody midwife telling me that I'd go another 3 weeks at least, and that was 24 hours before ds was delivered!

Over the past 14 years I have on occasions thought how much pleasanter cats are than children, and how much more reasonable as well!

expatinscotland · 25/02/2010 13:21

Oh, I agree. Some days, I wish I could change my children into cats.

Our cat is so sweet! She's called Pepsi, she's black and white and she's a purr ball who sleeps on teh bed with me and DH.

givecarrotsachance · 25/02/2010 13:22

Does anyone honestly think that scary actually have kids, to continue to insist that her cats are are difficult to look after? Or is the clue in the name...

Clearly it's tough when you have animals to care for. I was rushed into hospital with my first despite having a planned (but unsupported by NHS) HB, and had to leave the dog at home. Sadly he had to stay in all day until ex could let him out later that day (about 12 hours) so he went without food and toiletting for 12 hours which really upset me. But he was fine, even though unlike cats we didn't have the option of a cat litter tray. We should have been more organised, but we weren't. C'est la vie.

Now waiting for #2 to arrive... let me think for a moment, am I more worried about who will look after #1 child, or the dog? Now let me think. Hmmm. Oh and I don't have SPD either.

My dog was my baby before I had my DS. I am a passionate advocate for animal care. However There Is No Way That Handling Cats Is The Same As Handling Two Small Children. .

OP - your DP is being an arse esp. if he's continuing to give you grief about it. Totally out of order.

cory · 25/02/2010 13:27

porcamiseria Wed 24-Feb-10 12:03:17
"can we stop automatically slagging off the DH!?

Maybe his work has had a load of redundancies, maybe the pressure is on, maybe he has 20 year olds snipping at his heels. he has a family to support, and one on the way"

Are you saying his company would sack him if he insisted on drinking lemonade during a work function? The OP specifically stated that one of her problems is that he will almost certainly be too pissed to be of any use in an emergency. How on earth does this not make him a twat?

My dh gave up drink during the later stages of my pregnancies. Hardly excessive considering everything I had to give up to produce his babies.

loobylu3 · 25/02/2010 13:53

YANBU at all! Your DH is being totally selfish to want to go on a non essential work trip.
You have severe SPD and two small children! That is hard enough in itself let alone being in labour too!

This has reminded me that, when I was due with DC3 (overdue actually), my DH was really keen to go on a training day (part of his normal work) that was in London (a good 2 hours away) and I had to be v insistent. I ended up going into labour that v morning, so that put paid to any last minute doubts he had about going!!
SPD is horrid (I had it with DC3, but not the other 2) and he should be much more supportive.

scary- cats are just NOT the same as children!

Longtalljosie · 25/02/2010 15:01

At very least the DP should agree not to drink. You've managed it for nine months, he can do so for three days. At the function, refusing booze and saying "my wife's about to go into labour" will remind his work he's making a sacrifice.

OP, I think your DP is being an arse, but assuming this piss-up is non-voluntary, he shouldn't drink, he should provide you with a landline number to call and make contact with a member of staff who can come to find him if you go into labour - and he should arrange for someone to help you because of your SPD - probably your MIL, although you can make it clear this doesn't mean she gets to be birth partner...

porcamiseria · 25/02/2010 20:26

Cory! no, this is null and void now as OP has said he is not going. It just pisses me off how people instantly slag off the men here!
maybe he has been an arse, who really knows?

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