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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my next child now?

33 replies

papoose · 23/02/2010 16:13

DD is 15 months and I am working 4 days per week. DH does not earn enough to support us all at the moment. However, taking into account the next nine months of saving (assuming I get pregnant straight away like last time, but I know this may not happen), we will have just enough savings to see us through another year of maternity leave.

Once I have 2 DCs I don't want to have to go back to work - regardless of the fact that I will want to be with my DCs, nursery for 2 will cost a fortune. So that gives DH 2 years to increase his earning potential to support us all.

I am cautious by nature and am worried that he won't be able to support us in 2 years. But as each month passes the age gap is growing and my broodiness is increasing! So should we just go for it and hope for the best, or keep delaying matters? I know I could get a night job in Tescos or somehting and am quite prepared to do that, but it might not make up the shortfall!

OP posts:
SloanyPony · 23/02/2010 16:26

I'm of the opinion that there's never a perfect time for another child or your first child or whatever so throw caution to the wind and go for it. If you try and plan these things to rigorously then fate shits on you and gives you secondary sub-fertility when you've finally saved enough you find you can't conceive or any other number of scenarios like that.

But that's a bit romantic/idealistic of me really - in actual fact you should probably wait until the nest is feathered, perhaps say to DH "if nothing's changed in 6 months then lets try to conceive" etc etc.

There's no ideal answer to this one, but chances are, unless you are really on the breadline, that when number 2 comes along you will find a way to cope, hopefully without your other half feeling too much pressure...

OTTMummA · 23/02/2010 16:27

i was in a similar position, i had the choice to go back to work and live in our current house, or downsize everything including house ( but still a suitable size )
and stay at home.
i chose to stay at home, i didn't like any nurserys here, and have no family around/close by, my DS is 25 months, and my medical problems have got a lot better so we have choosen to have another as we really don't want a massive age gap as we only want 2.
we live on a tight budget, we manage just fine, we have some savings, and add something to the pot each month.
i think its best to get it all out of the way asap TBH, by the time my DC are both at school full time, i would of been at home for 8 yrs! but i will work p/t when that happens.
if i could of had another DC sooner i would have!

mazzystartled · 23/02/2010 16:36

I don't think that wanting to have another child sooner rather than later is at all unreasonable.

I do, however, think it might be unreasonable to plan not to return to work if your DH's salary is insufficient. I think you need a more open mind about how your family supports itself in the future - it would not be fair to your DH to feel that it is his sole responsibility.

Original poster
papoose · 23/02/2010 16:38

Thanks for your replied. It is a tricky and we are tempted to throw caution to the wind, but I am scared of having the dread of returning to work like I did after number 1. I guess we will continue to ponder for a little while longer.

OP posts:
RomillyJane · 23/02/2010 16:39

bloody hell, doesnt your husband have any say in this. ? Does he want to be soely responsible for supporting you all?

YABVU and I think spoilt, demanding and rather childish

thesecondcoming · 23/02/2010 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noktok · 23/02/2010 16:42

I would go ahead and have the second baby now. On the proviso that the resonsibility is not going to give your DH a breakdown.

There is never a perfect time, I conceived my 2nd when we lived with relatives due to housemoving difficulties. A couple of years down the line, everything has smoothed out.

Original poster
papoose · 23/02/2010 16:58

Gosh thanks Romilly Jane! Got out of bed the wrong side did we?!
My partner does want to support us and with the job he is in there is potential for his income to increase. But obviously there is no guarantee.

OP posts:
MillyMollyMoo · 23/02/2010 17:18

In this climate I'd worry about having the 2 year deadline hanging over his head. He might not be able to live up to the required expectation.
I have said to DH he has another 12 months to make his business Idea work, but that is only because there is nothing else out there right now so it's not a case of he has a choice in the matter.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 23/02/2010 17:25

Clearly there's no guarantee that he will be able to support you. So it is theoretically possible that you will have two kids and have no choice but to work, and have to use a childminder if nursery is too expensive.

I think you just have to decide if that completely puts you off, or if you would still have another even if it puts you in that 'worst case' scenario.

thesecondcoming · 23/02/2010 17:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rockbird · 23/02/2010 18:03

Same situation here although I'm probably older than you (38) so have that to throw into the mix as well. We're just going to go for it and hope for the best. We really don't have the time to hang around and see what happens and DD is a bit older than your dc.

Original poster
papoose · 23/02/2010 18:06

I hadn't considered whether we would be entitled to tax credits, thanks Thesecondcoming, I iwll look into that (assuming they still exist!)>

Rockbird I am 33 but DH is 44 so we need to crack on!!! Also OP who said that the best thing to do is to consider worst case scenario - thatnks for that, you are absolutely right.

OP posts:
thesecondcoming · 23/02/2010 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MillyMollyMoo · 23/02/2010 18:22

Take out mortgage protection insurance and then you won't leave the house, god do I wish we'd taken out MPI.

MrsC2010 · 23/02/2010 18:24

If I were your husband I would be very nervous about this, what happens if he can't live up to your expectations and you have to go back to work? What is his take on all this, it sounds very one-sided (and a little selfish? Sorry) from your OP.

nanny2mummy · 23/02/2010 18:27

if your hubby become a sole earner, depending on how much he earns you will be able to claim working tax credit AND child tax credits too

there is never a good time to have a child, so if you want more I would say just go for it
Money is not everything IMO, loving your children is more important than expensive clothes/toys/holidays

EggyAllenPoe · 23/02/2010 18:31

mortgage protection insurance is very limited in what it covers, so always check the conditions...

we wouldn't have been covered when Dh lost his job...

that said, he is still unemployed, i am prgnant with my third, and we are managing ok (hastily touches wood)

it is very hard to assess in advance what income you would in fact have, as the whole wtc/ctc thing can make a substantial contrib to your income, but also, can work in mysterious ways...

PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 23/02/2010 18:32

YANBU, of course, but you could wait a little longer until your DD is just over 2.3, and start trying then - you'll have some help with childcare then. You'll also have increased tax credits.

This is what we've had to do - I luckily get amazing maternity leave benefits, but have to work 2 days a week at the moment. With #2 hopefully happening soonish, DS will be just 3yo, even if we get pregnant immediately. This means he'll be able to go to nursery a couple of mornings a week (thanks to subsidised nursery places at that age), and I'll have time to spend with a newborn.

(there will of course be a difficult year where we have both at nursery, but if we save up the tax credits etc then we'll manage).

it can be done, but don't rely on your husband earning more. Think of another way around it

EggyAllenPoe · 23/02/2010 18:33

and i have two and am still working, no, i didn't think i would..but again, sometimes needs must and all that.

Rockbird · 23/02/2010 18:42

"If I were your husband I would be very nervous about this...What is his take on all this, it sounds very one-sided (and a little selfish? Sorry) from your OP."

"bloody hell, doesnt your husband have any say in this. ? Does he want to be soely responsible for supporting you all? YABVU and I think spoilt, demanding and rather childish "

I give up. The op wants to be a SAHM and now she's one-sided and selfish? She has said her DH is happy for her not to work. My DH would be delighted if I gave up work. But this choice that women have now isn't really a choice because wanting to be a SAHM is spoilt, demanding and selfish?

There is another thread running where the OP is talking about returning to work when her DD is school age. She's had a few sneers on there for wanting or needing to work. Jeez...

thesecondcoming · 23/02/2010 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EggyAllenPoe · 23/02/2010 19:24

indeed TSC - do people honestly think that a third child will only cost you the additional child bens & ctc and completely make up for any lost income?
Roo-bish indeed- especially as my third will definitely seal that We Cannot Stay in Ths House.

although, i previously thought i didn't get any extra for number 3, and now find you are indeed correct, which is reassuring!

i think the extent of conservative plans was to bring down the threshold to over-average income huseholds (the figure 50k was being bandied about), which is not something i have to worry about....

thesecondcoming · 23/02/2010 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

karen2205 · 23/02/2010 19:46

The other alternative is timing it so that your eldest will be at school full time before you're due to go back to work at the end of the second lot of maternity leave.

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