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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not be able to bounce back after a row?

41 replies

Marinamerlot · 22/02/2010 16:02

We were on holiday this week and my husband lost his temper and said nasty things - in front of the children. I was a sponging bitch, effing cow, etc. This was more or less unprovoked (I had a couple of glasses of wine and was lying on our bed with my DD rather than putting our DS to bed). I was incredibly hurt but just can't bounce back and get close again. So I am staying out of his way and probably being childish. What should I do?

OP posts:
clam · 22/02/2010 16:05

Being childish? I don't think so! So you should cozy up to him when he's treated you with so badly? But if you, in his eyes, "sulk" about it for too long, he will assume the moral high ground so you need to have it out with him, coolly and calmly, fairly soon.

And what was he doing, for the record, while you were with DD?

duchesse · 22/02/2010 16:07

He sounds hideous. You really need to have a Chat with him, not just a chat. Agree with everything clam just said.

shatteredmumsrus · 22/02/2010 16:08

Im like you and when I say its cause of what he said he says that i am festering and to 'get over it'

claw3 · 22/02/2010 16:12

I have found that arguments usually stem from somewhere and are rarely totally unprovoked?

Why was he in such a bad mood?

ShauntheSheep · 22/02/2010 16:12

So what was he doing re putting your son to bed?

A CHAT is def in order re just how bad what he said was and how its up to him to put things right not up to you to get over it.

Original poster
Marinamerlot · 22/02/2010 16:16

Well - he does this every few weeks. Absolutely fine and 100% lovely then loses his temper unpredictably. Always has done (with ex wife, my older step children). Never accepts that it is wrong/hurtful. My problem though is that I am over sensitive and instead of telling him to get over it etc and ignoring it, I really just retreat. He says the most hurtful things that to me are out of context to the situation (the sponging, moneygrabbing side is really hurtful to me - I have an issue about being dependent so work hard to make my own money). We had a lovely meal before hand in a beautiful hotel, but I guess because I had some wine I was off my guard and couldn't predict this outburst.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 22/02/2010 16:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Marinamerlot · 22/02/2010 16:18

He did have some wine - you may be right, that he doesn't remember. Perhaps I should ask him how he would feel in my position. He won't discuss things though like this - I said at the time that I didn't want him to talk to me like that and he said that I was being rude.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 22/02/2010 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

claw3 · 22/02/2010 16:21

So everything will be fine and dandy for a couple of weeks and from nowhere, he will start swearing at you and insulting you for no reason whatsoever?

Original poster
Marinamerlot · 22/02/2010 16:23

I know he does this at work (he's the boss) and has been told his style is very "harsh". He's lovely most of the time though - which makes the temper more hurtful. I find it really difficult to livewith. We just get to a good point then I feel I never want to get close to him again. He just doesn't see that it is inappropriate. I think his family shout at each other. I am assertive in all other areas of my life, but hate confrontation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marinamerlot · 22/02/2010 16:25

Claw, it's not from nowhere. He will feel that it is provoked - but usually by some small thing. The way he behaves you would think I slept with his best friend or something. We tread on eggshells. Family members say not to take it personally.

OP posts:
wilkos · 22/02/2010 16:25

are you married to my dh marina?

he can be exactly the same, am still smarting from a number of outbursts over christmas...and from last years holiday...and from when he shut my finger in a temper in the glove box on the car (that was 18 months ago)

and he wonders why our marriage is slowly deteriorating?

sorry to hear you are going through this its truly horrible. however I am not in a good position to give you any advice as i am unsure what to do myself

MadamDeathstare · 22/02/2010 16:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Marinamerlot · 22/02/2010 16:27

It's horrible isn't it? I feel such a wimp about it. When he is like this I never want to see him again but sadly life just isn't that simple - children etc. He says that he does a million things every week to show me he loves me and that I should ignore what he says. I just am not strong enough to do that but I think other women in my situation would just carry on. It often happens on holiday or just before - when he is stressed.

OP posts:
wilkos · 22/02/2010 16:30

my dh says, when he actually admits he has gone over the top that is, is that it is because he is "stressed"

he also says things about me "sponging" off him. think he knows I am a touch insecure about being a SAHM (used to earn a great salary) so he goes for the jugular as it were

which makes it worse really. how calculating.

minipie · 22/02/2010 16:32

Marina, that doesn't sound like "a row" to me. If he'd told you you need to get up and put DS to bed, and you'd said no, that would be a row. This sounds more like him insulting you.

Can you try to speak to him about the line between getting cross with someone and being rude/insulting?

wilkos · 22/02/2010 16:32

x posts marina - yes we are definitely married to the same person lucky us!

MadamDeathstare · 22/02/2010 16:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

claw3 · 22/02/2010 16:46

Marina ,I should imagine, it is hard not to take 'sponging bitch, effing cow' personally tbh.

I dont know what to suggest, he shouldnt be speaking to you like that. Anger management perhaps?

jalopy · 22/02/2010 17:00

'I was off my guard'. Doesn't conjure up a good image of him so far.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 22/02/2010 17:13

sponging bitch?

Wow, nice man.

kinnies · 22/02/2010 17:32

Do you normaly do as he asks?

Sounds like he wants to control you.

Original poster
Marinamerlot · 22/02/2010 18:01

I do normally do as he asks - he's a strong character and a bit of a control freak - likes everything perfect. makes a lovely house, garden and so on but gets stressed when everything isn't just so.

OP posts:
duchesse · 22/02/2010 18:02

Frankly Marina I would seriously consider doing a little less what he wants. To me his behaviour is beginning to sound a little abusive.

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