to not be able to bounce back after a row?

[Marinamerlot]

We were on holiday this week and my husband lost his temper and said nasty things - in front of the children. I was a sponging bitch, effing cow, etc. This was more or less unprovoked (I had a couple of glasses of wine and was lying on our bed with my DD rather than putting our DS to bed). I was incredibly hurt but just can't bounce back and get close again. So I am staying out of his way and probably being childish. What should I do?

Agree with duchesse here, this is ringing alarm bells. You are treading on eggshells, so as not to provoke his temper. Does that sound right to you? You say or imply that he is a control freak with very strict 'rules' about what you should be doing. Does he ever apologise or admit that his behaviour was out of order? TBH, he sounds like a bully and he's like it at work too!!

He is a bully, by most of our definitions. But standing up to him seems to make him worse - says I am being rude and aggressive. The problem is that the rest of the time he is lovely and gentle (he is creative, quite high profile, everyone else thinks he is wonderful). It is his nearest and dearest - and some people at work - who see his temper. I find it really difficult to live with it and think if I was a more assertive person he wouldn't do it - or I could just ignore him and carry on. As it is at the moment I can't stand him.

So I guess he'll start being nice again when he next feels like a shag.

I'd be rehearsing a non-aggressive, polite way to tell him where he could shove it!

I agree this isn't a row. In a row, you disagree, there is argument/discussion on both sides..what my old boss used to call 'a full and frank exchange of views'

This just sounds like him insulting you, and you having to put up with it.

Please dont think this is happening because you aren't assertive. It's happening because he is frankly a bit of an arse. The problem is very much his not yours.

Just as an example of why being assertive isnt necessarily the answer...I am an assertive person. I argue back. My Ex - who used to call me a stupid, lazy bitch and lots of other, worse stuff, couldn't handle being argued with, so used to threaten violence, and when that didnt work, would lash out - smashing up my things, and eventually progressing to hitting me.

So take it from me, being assertive and/or 'standing up for yourself' doesnt make the problems go away. A crap man is still crap however you treat him. I think you just need to decide whether being with someone who makes you tread on eggshells all the time, and who you cant stand sometimes, is really what you want.

Wouldnt agree totally that the problem is his and not yours. No denying he should not treat you this way, but you are allowing it to happen.

As soon as I see the words "trading on eggshells", I think "bullying cockjuggler".

On days like today (I learnt of my mother's death) I'm reminded of our mortality. Reading your post reminds me that life wasn't supposed to be lived "on eggshells". Don't have regrets. Make a positive choice even if it is a difficult one at the outset.

Marina you need to take control of this situation! It's hard to deal with a man like this who supports you financially but frankly, if you don't your kids will grow up thinking his behavior towards you is the norm for adult, loving relationships and you will live the rest of your married life with your self esteem plummeting into an early grave.

He needs to recognise the stress and effort involved in YOUR job. He needs to be shown that his behavior is totally unacceptable to other people. Are his parents still alive? Would his Mum sympathise? A third party would make him look at his behavior. Relate are great at this. Tell him you feel BULLIED and are going to see someone yourself if he wont as a couple.

You deserve better. X

Thank you so much everyone for your messages and advice. My problem is that I worry that I cause this situation. I had a difficult upbringing (who hasn't??) and when I met my DH I already had my DD. My DH says that I am the mad one who can't hold down a relationship. I don't think I am. But there are two sides to everything and I certainly have a crap relationship track record. That absolutely doesn't excuse his abusive behaviour but I am so desperate to hold on to this marriage I think it allows him to see my vulnerability. You all sound such strong women, he probably would be much better behaved with most of you!

Pikelit, I am so sorry to hear about your Mum.

Marina you DO NOT cause his behaviour. And you definatly don't deserve to be treated this way by the man who is suppoed to love you.

I'm not in any way trying to excuse his behaviour towards you (there is no excuse) but what were his parents like when he was growing up? If his father behaved this way it's possible that this is the way he thinks relationships should be. If so relate could help.

Talk to him when he's calm, if he isn't willing to listen and realise that his behaviour is out of order you should seriously consider if you really want to live like this for the rest of your life. Before long his behaviour will start to affect your children if it hasn't already.

You deserve better, a lot better. Believe it or not you are a strong woman. You just have to take a stand now and be prepared to walk away if he is unwilling to change before he turns violent.

Pikelit, sorry about your mum.

www.homestudycredit.com/courses/contentCR/secCR16.html

Read this as this might clear things up for you.

I was with a controller and it took me 4 years to leave but leave I did as there was nothing left of me the real me. I was also treading on eggshells making excuses for him as you are here, bet you dont even realize your doing it.

He can be gentle and loving, but he gets stressed and you know its the ones he loves he takes his anger out on. Its bullshit its to control you. You state you have your independance cos your earning he used that against you for a reason to control cos he knew it would upset you. When you call him on his behaviour he says its your fault thats a controller.

One day maybe not today but one day you will see what he is. You can do that but only you.