Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to think the bride and her family were rather rude?

58 replies

dejavuaswell · 22/02/2010 09:17

We have just returned from my nephew's wedding. This was first wedding at which neither the bride nor her parents spoke to the bridegroom's aunts, uncles or cousins at any point from our arrival at 11:45 to our departure at 22:00. They never even came near us so we couldn't take the initiative and grab them!

Add on the fact that the sit-down meal was held in a room where we could not even see the top table and you can see why my younger sister (the Bridegroom's Mother) is so upset.

OP posts:

claw3 · 22/02/2010 09:25

I thought bride and groom greeted guests as they arrived at the reception?

CreativeZen · 22/02/2010 09:26

Why didn't you go over to them, instead of waiting for them to come to you? They might be saying exactly the same thing about you!

pjmama · 22/02/2010 09:28

Couldn't you have walked over to them and said hello? Yes, ideally they should have got around everyone in turn but I guess it depends on the size of the wedding. Do you feel you were deliberately snubbed for some reason or just overlooked because it was a big wedding and others pushed themselves forward first?

emsyj · 22/02/2010 09:36

I think it's really hard even if you have a relatively small and informal wedding to 'get round' everyone and the tendency for me when I got married was to focus on the people I saw the least often and the people who'd travelled furthest to attend. I am pretty sure there must have been relatives on DH's side that I didn't really speak to other than to say, 'hello' and we didn't have a receiving line as I hate them and it would have delayed the (already long overdue) food. I think YABU and petty, especially re: not being able to see the top table. They chose the venue for probably dozens of reasons (location, cost was affordable or whatever) and this might have been a compromise they had to make. A wedding is supposed to be a celebration, not a performance. Did you have a good time? If so, be happy for them and move on.

JaneS · 22/02/2010 09:38

I think that's a bit rude, yes. They're the hosts, they should have greeted you.

PrettyCandles · 22/02/2010 09:41

Six of one, half a dozen of the other. You should have gone to them, weddings can be quite overwhelming and it's possiblethat they got swept up in it all. So YABU for that.

OTOH, why on earth was the Groom's Mother not sitting at the top table?! YANBU to be upset by that.

Ziggurat · 22/02/2010 09:42

The table positioning first - do you mean that you couldn't see the top table? Or that the bridegroom's mother was at a table that couldn't see the top table? I'm assuming she was at the top table herself, so she's annoyed on your behalf.

If that's the case, I think you are being a bit unreasonable here. They obviously chose a venue they loved - so what if the seating meant some people couldn't see the top table? Do you think that you, as the BG's aunts/uncles/cousins, should have had preferential seating?

As for the bride's family - I dunno, I'd find it hard to get worked up about this. It's such a whirlwind of a day, with so much going on. I know on my day that I didn't get around to speak with everyone during the course of the day and evening - what with photographs, speeches, dancing with my new husband, the meal itself all taking up time - it's just not always possible to get around everyone. No rudeness meant at all - I'm really sure they didn't mean to snub you.

fembear · 22/02/2010 09:54

Was the Bridegroom's mother not involved in the seating plan? She should have thought of this before, not after.

I don't understand the remark about not being able to take the initiative and speak to the bride/parents. Were you chained to your seats?

waitingforbedtime · 22/02/2010 10:06

I can see how it'd happen.

Bil and Sil went in an almighty strop because we didnt see them much at ds's christening. I was really cross. They werent chained to their seats - they just sat there and basiclaly refused to come and see us because we hadnt went to bow down see them. I ahd friends there I hadnt seen for ages and a lot of elderly relatives who had never seen ds. I dont think I did wrong.

You cant seat everyone so they can see the top table and it's a bit sniffy to expect to be 'prioritised' tbh. However, if the groom's mum wasnt at top table that IS a bit of a snub.

ArcticFox · 22/02/2010 10:11

Assuming that the bride's parents were hosting, I think it was up to you to find them, introduce yourselves, and thank them for the day.

This always involves hovering to an extent as the bride's parents are always talking to someone else but you still should have made the effort.

It's easier that way because it's easy to identify the bride's parents, but not so easy to indentify individual guests.

Original poster

dejavuaswell · 22/02/2010 10:17

There was the top table plus five other tables for guests. The two tables for the brides family and the two tables for the happy couples friends were arranged in an standard way but our table was effectively in a different room. We could see the other guests but not the top table (and not the people giving the speeches)

The family, and more importantly my sister as the Bridegroom's Mother (she was on top table BTW - should have made that clearer) felt that the two families should both have been treated the same. To have the bridegrooms family further back than all the friends - and out of sight of the top table as well seems strange to us!

If you are going to have 35 minutes from the end of the speeches to getting up from the table then the bride should be able to visit all five tables where the guests were seated. Not just 4 of them.

We would never have said anything had the Bridegroom's Mother (my sister) not felt the need to apologise to us. Clearly the edge had been taken off the the day for her.

OP posts:

JaneS · 22/02/2010 10:20

'the edge had been taken off the day for her' - yes, but it wasn't her wedding.

waitingforbedtime · 22/02/2010 10:24

You were sat in another room??

I think you just have to let it go. You should have just said to your sister 'Oh dont worry, weddings are very busy, its completely understandable' and left it at that otherwise I'd say there's a risk of this turning into a bit of a feud. Fwiw I was GUTTED that people talked about me like this after ds' christening - absolutely devastated and I felt like I was glad I hadnt spent ages talking to them because frankly they were just being selfish. (Not saying you are but just think you should just not even think about it, am sure nephew and new wife would be v upset to read this)

waitingforbedtime · 22/02/2010 10:25

Also table plans were the bain of my life when I was getting married and the venue stipulated where the tables went, not us.

Original poster

dejavuaswell · 22/02/2010 10:26

No indeed it wasn't and if it "improved" the wedding for the happy couple that the Bridegroom's family were out of sight round the corner then fine - their wedding, their choice. Somehow I doubt it.

OP posts:

cory · 22/02/2010 10:28

When I was a bride, people came up to congratulate me, not the other way round. ANd they did this before we were even seated; I didn't go round the tables afterwards. Have never heard anyone express any dissatisfaction with our wedding.

bellissima · 22/02/2010 10:36

I really tried to go round the tables at our wedding reception but, to be honest, the whole thing passed as a rapid blur (and I wasn't even drinking that much!) and I felt as if I had about two minutes with anyone. But talking to other brides that seems absolutely normal. If there is no formal line-up (and that's about one minute's chat) then it's really hard. So I can see why you are disappointed but I'm willing to bet that it wasn't intended.

GhoulsAreLoud · 22/02/2010 10:40

A family engagement party was like this - no introductions between the two families at all, totally separate camps.

We all just took the initiatve to go over there and mix ourselves otherwise it would have been totally weird. But I do see your point, there should have been some effort made.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 22/02/2010 10:43

Yeah when I got married many moons ago people came upto me not the other way round, the same as when my cousins got married, I approached them.
Also My friends are rather important to me, I wouldnt seat them towards the back of the room. Are you very close to your nephew? Because I think I seated Aunts and Uncles nearer the back. But Im not especially close to them.

sparechange · 22/02/2010 10:46

I went to a wedding last summer where the room was 2 linked together and we were effectively sat in another room. I was sat on the same table as 2 of the bridesmaids and their husbands, so quite clearly it wasn't a 'snub'

Table planning at weddings is a real PITA and the only time most people will ever organise such a thing, so you can't hold a grudge against them for something so minor and petty.

And as for expecting the bride to visit all the tables and guests in such a short time - she probably intended to and ended up getting drawn into conversations with every guest. The exact same thing happened to me on my wedding day and I certainly didn't intend to 'snub' anyone.

YABVVVU to take this so personally and to heart. They obviously wanted you to be a part of their day, which is why they invited you. Stop overthinking every tiny detail and remember how special a day it was for them.

TidyBush · 22/02/2010 10:48

Don't you just love family politics?

At my DB and DSILs wedding (25 years ago but I'm not bitter ) the reception was held in the garden. I started speaking to some friends of theirs and when they realised that DH and I didn't share their religion they literally picked their chairs up and turned their backs on us

Mishy1234 · 22/02/2010 10:56

Wedding seating plans are a complete nightmare. We had a similar situation at our venue where there were a couple of tables which were positioned just at the dividing doors going into another room. They could see the top table, but weren't totally in the body of the main room like the other tables.

However, it was our friends who were at these tables, not relatives. All our relatives, no matter how distant were seated at tables nearer the top table. In fact, there were some who I barely knew (from DH's side), but they were still closer than some of my friends who I'd known for years. IMO that's just how seating at a wedding should be done. My friends understood and had a ball as they were much closer to the bar than everyone else!

Regarding getting round all the tables to chat, I did find this difficult as there was so much going on. We always seemed to be called off for this and that (photos, cake cutting etc) and in was a whirlwind. This is why we did have a line up, which was tedious in a way but did make sure we spoke to everyone at least once.

YANBU to be surprised about the seating plan. IMO your family should have taken priority over their friends. I would try to let the rest go though, as it's easy to get caught up in the day with so much going on.

I would just write to the bride's parents to say thanks and complement them on the bits you did enjoy. That way, at least you have covered all bases.

ginormoboobs · 22/02/2010 11:50

YABU
Does it matter?
It is their day , not the Mother of the bride or the Mother of the groom's day.
If they chose to have friends sitting close to them and family further back ,does it really matter?

leftangle · 22/02/2010 11:56

I did a seating plan for my wedding but not a table plan iyswim. So the venue put the tables where they wanted and the numbers on the tables. Apart from the top table the guests were randomly arranged so a family table could easily have ended up at the back with no offence intended. We only got round to 5 of our 12 tables.

KurriKurri · 22/02/2010 12:03

Actually I'd say its common courtesy if you invite someone to an event, to thank them for attending (I mean if no-one turned up it would be dismal, -people have made some sort of effort to be there.)
Also this is an event where guests bring presents, so thanks and greeting even more necessary.

Flip

1 2 3