to think the bride and her family were rather rude?

[dejavuaswell]

We have just returned from my nephew's wedding. This was first wedding at which neither the bride nor her parents spoke to the bridegroom's aunts, uncles or cousins at any point from our arrival at 11:45 to our departure at 22:00. They never even came near us so we couldn't take the initiative and grab them!

Add on the fact that the sit-down meal was held in a room where we could not even see the top table and you can see why my younger sister (the Bridegroom's Mother) is so upset.

A line-up? God no, we really didn't want one...so didn't. My parents were paying and didn't mind either, the venue said they are very unusual now.

BUT: We were having quite a small wedding, (well, 60 people to the day)and my parents knew all bar about 3 couples...all of whom they met at the post church, pre-dinner drinks as they were all wandering and chatting. We did go from table to table, but this was not really necessary as we had spoken to everyone there before the meal, either outside the church or outside over drinks. We did the speeches at the beginning of the meal too which meant there was a nice lull during which we could wander round tables and chat.

Don't get me started on how rude some of our guests were though, i.e.: leaving after the starter as they had commitments later that day. Fine, but at least tell us you're going so we can say goodbye, or preferably tell us in advance so that we don't end up paying £70 odd per head for a starter and a glass of bubbly!

OP, I think you are BU and YANBU at the same time. Yes, we walked the tables but we had plenty of time, not many tables and an easy layout. It doesn't sound like they had any of these things. If you are close to your nephew (?) you could have gone and spoken to them yourself. The issue here is not the Bride nor her family, you could have spoken to them at any point but waited behind on some very old etiquette and then complained later. If your sister had been truly upset she could have said something at the time to them allowing them to solve the problem, which would have been the fair thing to do to avoid this resentful slating after. The groom could also have said something about the seating plan if he was worried, so presumeably he wasn't. We had friends (bar the noisiest!) nearer the front than some family, because we see them more and are closer to them. Nobody minded, and I come from a very traditional family.

Phew, rather long, sorry!

PS: They might be saying how rude it was none of you went and spoke to any of them...thank you for having us etc. You say in the OP that they 'never came near you' so you couldn't grab them, presumeably you could have walked over to them?

The bride and groom will have taken the decision on whether or not to have a receiving line, not the parents.

Also, meeting you a receiving line wouldn't have meant they were making the effort to see you.
Any old tom or dick could wander in off the street and into the receiving line and the parents would still have said 'so lovely to meet you'

I just can't get my head around how you could feel that one totally impersonal and forced handshake and contrived comment could have made it all better for you and the family!

At my cousin's wedding her (no ex)DH's family all wore black, as if they were going to a funeral and didn't speak to any of our side of the family.

At our wedding the tables were not as we had expected (the reception venue had moved them about to suit them).

We had 40 people at our wedding (ie not that many) and I made a real concerted effort to talk to everyone but still managed to miss people. If you are the wedding couple people tend to come up to you ... and it can be hard to get away. Did you not even go and say goodbye when you were leaving?

God, this thread brings back all the horrors of seating arrangements and weddings and reminds me why I insisted on a buffet with no tables and people had to mill around. We got loads of complaints, but at least no-one was sat in 'better' seats or 'worse' seats.

Couples try really hard to get this stuff right, but at the end of the day there are some reasons the bridegrooms family usually end up non-prioritised.

i) brides father is usually paying and insists on laying down the law a bit (I know my dad did. He invited people I'd never met, but his money, his rules)
ii) friends should be next. It's the couples day and they want to share it with their mates. Unfortunately family are usually invited out of necessity. If you were friends with them as well as blood relations you ight have got on that table.
which leads nicely on to point 3...
iii) I met most of DH's family for the first time at our wedding. They may be his relatives, but if we had been dating/engaged and not met them they are obviously not close.

Sorry if this all sounds a bit harsh, but lets be honest, when your kids get married, you will probably not invite them, or if you do, you will have the pleasure of non-prioritising them in the seating plan.

a) didn't you make any attempt to congratulate the bride and groom?
b) as you regard the bride's parents as the hosts why did you not take the time to thank them for having you?
c) why did your nephew not do the introductions?
d) as you all travelled a long way to be there you are clearly unlikely to see them on a regular basis - and quite possibly never again - and you made no effort to get to know them so why is it an issue?

YABVU - you can't really criticise them for their lack of etiquette when you and your nephew's manners were clearly absent on the day.

I'm a bit shocked that at no point did you go and congratulate the bride and groom, or make an effort to speak to any of the bride's family. I think everyone was being unreasonable, except the bride & groom because when you're getting married it's such a blur of smiling and saying thank you to people that you honestly can't remember who you've spoken to and who you haven't.