To be appaled by ex-H gf calling me a monster in front of DD?

[1moresnoozeplease]

Misunderstanding between self and ex-H about pick up time from house. Had swapped timings for one wkend visit and ex-H gf unhappy about it.

DD then had to listen to ex-H and his gf slagging me off and came home upset. Own thoughts are should never bad mouth in front of DD, but can't control what ex-H and gf say in own house.

How to sort without making worse? DD only 6 and is v upset

Tell them what you just said, dd was upset having to listen to them slagging you off.

YANBU - that is Very Bad Form. Poor DD - the only thing you can realistically do is to comfort DD and explain that you made a mistake but that her father and his GF should have kept quiet in front of her.

YOu could just mention to ex that DD was upset by badmouthing but he has then the choice what he does about it - if he is half a man he will understand that it is Very Bad Form and refrain from doing it again.

i wouldn't let my daughter go again.

Custardo - that's my gut instinct!

Hope just telling him would be enough but am then having to trust them not to do it again.

YANBU. It's very poor behaviour and does nothing to help resolve any situation. So I suggest you explain how upsetting this was for DD and ask that ex and his gf keep the slagfests for when they are alone.

Definately need to have a chat (using the term loosely) and voice your concerns..tell them how it makes your DD feel...if nothing changes then limit contact to no sleepover just trips out with dad and then home to you.

i think its very damaging for a young child to hear anyone talk about their parents in a negative light.

my grandma did it when she was feeling in particularly fine bitch form ( as was her norm) and i was about 12 and went regularly and only out of a sense of duty to go and visit the old bitter crone.

and she proper layed into my mother on one visit. i was very off with her from then on in and i cried all the way home.

your parents are gods when you are 6 - no-one should take that illusion away from your children except for you ( when you are passed out drunk...oh that;s me )

Custy

My ex and his new partner do this all the time, and if they don't, her child passes the info to my child.

Obviously they can't see the damage on DS as he doesn't feel comfortable enough with them to tell them how much that upsets him.

I wouldn't advise reducing contact as your DD will pay for it (not because the lack of contact with dad, but because they will get worse in badmouthing you in front of her or blaming you for everything that gets wrong). Having said that, since exh decided to see less of DS, DS is much better than before...

I would have to say something to the ex in this situation.

It's so damaging for the child, especially at 6yrs old. My ex and I make sure we never slate each other within earshot of DD1 (10) as she would just be so upset.

We save our slagging off for via email!

This is not on at all. You should definately say something. I hate hearing anyone say anything bad about my dad even though I am an adult. I know he isn't perfect but I don't want to hear anything negative at all.

My (ex) friend had this problem when she split with her exP. It wasn't him and his GF slagging off DDs mother but a friend of his who was also ex friends cousin, ex friend had an affair with her cousins DH. The cousin would slag off my ex friend in front of ex friends DD and she would go home crying about it. My ex friend ban her cousin from seeing her DCs anymore (and she is their god mother).

Obviously you can't ban the father from seeing his DCs and if his GF is there, there isn't really much you can do but you can say that you are not going to have this in front of your DD. If they cannot control what they say, tell your exH he has to see your DD without his GF or your DD doesn't want to go.

I think you need to point out to exh that dd is old enough to repeat what she has heard and that she is desperately upset to have heard what they said about you. See what he says. If he dismisses it, then point out that if it happens again you will have to consider whether it is in dd's best interests to continue with the visits.

agree with custy, my parents went through a very bad patch when I was about 10 or 11, even though it was totally my dad's fault (which I see now) my mum was so careful to never say anything bad about him in front of me and to reassure me that everything would be fine. At the time, I blamed her for everything that was going on, it's only now looking back that I can see how fantastic she was/is

I have come across this with my BIL and his new DW and her family.

There is a lot of bitterness between BIL and his exW and both have behaved quite badly.

However, i think they should all keep this to themselves in front of their DCs (age 8 and 11)

recently, new DWs mum called BILs ex a bitch in front of the eldest DC, who got really upset and called her several bad names in retaliation. I had my MIL (Bils mum) going on about how disgraceful DCs behaviour was and how it showed his ex was doing a dreadful job of bringing up DCs, etc etc. DC was forced to apologise and punished.

I said, well how would YOU feel if someone called your mum a bitch in front of you, wouldn't you get angry and tell them off? I think the new DWs mum should apologise herself!

MIL can't see this (as she hates BILs ex) and neither can BIL or his DW.

Probably part of the reason he has such a rotten relationship with his ex.

Anyway, I think you are right to be really angry about this, your ex and his GF are completely in the wrong and should apologise to both of you.

I think it is important that you insist that you will limit visits if this happens again, as this is horrible for little DCs.

My parents split rather acrimoniously when I was 12.

We stayed with Dad and he never (really, I can't ever remember it happening) said a bad word about Mum. Mum used to badmouth him (to her OM, not to us, but in front of us) at almost every visit for ages.

Its one of the things I find hard to get over, one of the reasons we are now estranged (she thinks she did nothing wrong).

They also used to have scarey shouting matches on the doorstep, but that was OK, somehow, cos they were doing it to each other.

Kerry - do you mean you slagged ex off very loudly in front of dcs? Tempting i know but horrible for your DCs. However much of a shit he really is he is their dad and this really hurts them.

You KNOW you shouldn't have done it, don't you?

YANBU absolutely not but for the sake of your dd you should approach it delicately. tell xh and gf in a completely calm and sedate manner "please don't badmouth me in front of dd she was very upset about it when she got home) and leave it at that for now. He might realise his mistake and step up, but if it happens again, i probably would start giving warnings

I have never bad mouthed my ex in front of the kids, when they were not about, it was a different story!

is there a court order?

Kerry, what you have to remember is that when you speak ill of the other parent of your child, you are effectively critising your child. Something neither of my parents seemed to be able to see - I had to listen to both of my parents ranting about how terrible they other one was. I found it all deeply hurtful as I loved both of my parents. It's easy to let your mouth run away with you in the heat of the moment, that I understand, however it does harm children.

By no means a saint, just made a decision never to bad mouth my ex in front of the kids.

Had it done to me as a kid and wouldnt want to make my kids feel the way i did.