To be appaled by ex-H gf calling me a monster in front of DD?

[1moresnoozeplease]

Misunderstanding between self and ex-H about pick up time from house. Had swapped timings for one wkend visit and ex-H gf unhappy about it.

DD then had to listen to ex-H and his gf slagging me off and came home upset. Own thoughts are should never bad mouth in front of DD, but can't control what ex-H and gf say in own house.

How to sort without making worse? DD only 6 and is v upset

Of course they hear it - and it can very well send them "mental" so parents should make an effort to minamise the amount they hear. That is all people are saying. Having your parents split up is hard enough to deal with, without having to listen to how terrible your Mam/Dad is on top.

1moresnooze - All I can do is say what I would do personally and that is contact the ex and say something like "I am sorry we had a misunderstanding with the pick up last time and I can accept you might feel angry with me, but I need to let you know that DD has come home upset with hearing me criticised. Please don't speak about any problems we might have in front of dd. She was really upset".

I'd keep it nice, keep it uber-understanding and reasonable - this time!

If it happened again, I would be right in there telling him that you're not going to allow contact to damage your child and you're taking legal advice.

What a terrible thing for you to endure your self. Well done to you for holding your temper. Forget DD for a moment you have every right not to be demeaned or insulted by anyone, anywhere.

Kerry - no, not a saint or mental, just someone who's seen how this kind of rowing and badmouthing really badly affected several friends of mine when we were kids.

They all avoid the parent who was doing the slagging even now we are in our 40s, so, y'know, up to you what kind of relationship you want with your kids....

Anyway, I know its tempting when your ex was a rubbish partner, but this is about your DCs relationship with their parents NOT about what a shit your ex was to you.

Feel free to slag him off as much as you like to your mum, friends, etc - I'm sure he deserves it, just don't get your Dcs mixed up in it if you can help it.

It sometimes does the dc good to know the truth

when my ex was being abusive the kids saw and heard........ And eldest even called police on the last occasion, so it also meant they heard me talking to police, womens aid etc.

They themselves slag the man off....... I often hear them! They really aren't stupid, kids are aware of most of it

Like it or not, they have half of each parents' DNA.

I would give him a warning, something along the lines of, 'If you have a complaint about something I've done, you're welcome to speak to me directly about it. I expect you not to include DD in any issues we have amongst ourselves. I afford you that courtesy while DD is with me out of respect for DD's positive feelings towards you, and I expect consideration of DD's feelings for me to be foremost in your mind if any discussion of me comes up while DD is with you." If this happens again, definitely tell him you will restrict contact to him only and not gf at the same time, or restrict time.

TBB - in your case your DCs saw your ex's behaviour for themselves and could see what he is. Not reacting to anything you said about him.

However, in most cases it is bitterness from the split being foisted on the DCs, not that one partner is actually abusive as in your case.

Oh there has been bitterness since...... Plenty of it

but difference is they know whatever I say is true.

Children over hear you telling friends and relatives what you think ..

Yes, I think that's the point, TBB, they had alreadsy seen him for what he is so they had no relationship with him to spoil. Their bad opinion of him was entirely deserved.

However, I think in the case of the OP that this is a case of niggles between exes being transmitted to the DCs who have no reason to think badly of the one being slagged off.