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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What if it's a girl?

33 replies

thereyet · 21/02/2010 18:09

Hi. Can't quit decide on whether or not to find out about the gender. Would kind of like it to be a surprise.

The thing is, I know my husband wants a boy and if we have a girl brewing in there, I want him to be well prepared months in advance so as not to show any visible signs of disappointment on the big day. (this will be our only child).

Another thing is, um, I'm in a high-risk group for post-natal psychiatric illness, so I think any disappointment shown by DH would push me over a precarious edge.

Would appreciate any advice. Thanks!

OP posts:

kinnies · 21/02/2010 18:11

I would find out if I were you.

Its a choice and it sounds like your worried.

Good luck!

BrahmsThirdRacket · 21/02/2010 18:13

Maybe finding out now would be a good idea, if it is something that is weighing on your mind. Don't worry about your DH so much - I am sure he will come to love a girl just as much.

waitingforbedtime · 21/02/2010 18:16

Find out, it sounds like you think you should.

How much does your dh want a boy though, really? I remember dh saying he'd 'prefer' a boy when I was pregnant, I could have killed him as was convinced we were having a girl and anyways what does it matter but in the end we had a boy. I can GUARANTEE though that actually, he would have been just as over the moon with a wee girl.

Your dh will need to be very supportive of you after the birth and also, dont assume you'll get ill, you never know - you might not.

Good luck x

belgo · 21/02/2010 18:19

Ask your dh.

I'm sure he knows there is a 50% chance it will be a girl, do you really think he will be disappointed?

l39 · 21/02/2010 18:31

Dh would have liked to have a son. We have 5 fantastic daughters. I'd go for finding out - we did with 3, 4 and 5. Needless to say dh adores the girls. (As do I.)

TubbyDuffs · 21/02/2010 18:34

If it is something that is going to pray on yoru mind throughout the pregnancy, I would find out.

I am sure your husband will love your baby whatever the sex.

SoupDragon · 21/02/2010 18:42

Find out.

I found out by accident with DS2 and was glad to have got over my "disappointment" that he wasn't a girl before he was born. His birth was unclouded by any such negative thoughts as I'd dealt with the feelings and moved on.

GeneHuntsMistress · 21/02/2010 18:50

i'm going to buck the trend and say, don't find out, no way! when your DH sees that baby pop out, he will be so totally and utterly in love with it he will not even notice at first nor care what sex it is. he will love it already.

rather than 20 weeks of cold hard "weighing it up" either way...

good luck with everything, hope you do not get ill. i had every marker for PND before but didnt get it in spite of the odds, hope the same for you

chipmonkey · 21/02/2010 18:50

I don't know. I found out with ds4 and had 11 horrendous weeks of disappointment that I was never getting my daughter. I think this was compounded by pregnancy hormones as I'm not normally a very weepy sort. And then when ds4 was born, I fell in love with him immediately so I did wonder whether I should have just saved myself the grief!

But your dh will love your baby, whatever the gender, I really wouldn't worry so much about it!

belgo · 21/02/2010 18:53

I agree with gene and chipmonkey. It's far easier to be disappointed with a blurry scan photo then it is to be disappointed with a real life baby,

chipmonkey · 21/02/2010 18:59

Yes all babies are cuddly and have that lovely smell..........

twotimes · 21/02/2010 19:46

Talk to your dh about it, he needs to know that you are worried by these things, however, if you have a healthy baby girl I'm sure he'd be ecstatic, I don't hear about many dh's who watch childbirth and then are disappointed by the sex.

KimiGaveUpStarbucks4Lent · 21/02/2010 19:55

With DS2 I know my DH would have liked a girl as we already had a son. I found out at 20 weeks and that gave DH time to get over it.

I can never understand people who want one or the other TBH I think people should be happy to be blessed with a healthy child of what ever gender

inthesticks · 21/02/2010 20:04

I wanted a second boy and did not want to be disappointed with a girl so I found out the sex.
He was a boy so I'll never know how I would have felt if it had been a girl, but I'm thinking gene and chipmonkey are probably right.

ArthurPewty · 21/02/2010 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

clam · 21/02/2010 20:13

Is your husband Henry VIII??!
Absolutely agree with gene and chipmonkey. No need to court possible disappointment early, when the actual arrival and excitement of the birth itself means you'll both be thrilled whatever turns up.
Mind you, DH and I always assumed that DC2 would be another boy and were cool with it. Out popped a girl and I was gobsmacked to discover DH blubbing with joy as he'd apparently been quietly desperate for a daughter! I'd had no idea. Sure he'd have been thrilled with another boy too though.

SoupDragon · 21/02/2010 20:17

"Girls are lovely too. End of. "

Actually, LeonieDelt,it's not "end of" at all because it's not as simple as that. It never is when you are dealing with emotional responses. Ditto the "be happy you have a healthy child" school of thought.

Of course your head says that and we all know it's true but emotions don't work that way. Especially pregnant ones!

SoupDragon · 21/02/2010 20:20

The disappointment I felt when I discovered DS2 was a boy took me completely by surprise - I hadn't meant to find out and hadn't wanted to but that 37 week growth scan was sooo clear! thank fuck I got that out of the way before he was born a week later.

EmilyStrange · 21/02/2010 20:21

I think regardless of whether you find out or not, you and your DP should sit down and have a long chat regarding expectations and managing them as well as plans in place should PND rear its ugly head. He may not realise how much you are worrying by his gender preference and hopefully can reassure you that he is not that fussed as to whether it is a boy or a girl. You need to communicate now before sleepless nights come along.

ChippingIn · 21/02/2010 20:27

I wouldn't find out - when you have 'the baby' your DH will fall in love with 'the baby' the gender will be a secondary thought... right now it will be a primary thought. Anyway, how sure are you that he will actually be that bothered whether it's a boy or a girl really? A lot of people have a 'preference', but it doesn't mean you are going to be crushingly dissapointed when it's not what you 'wanted'. (Of course there are a few people who are and I am feel really sorry for you!x).

BrahmsThirdRacket · 21/02/2010 20:31

Do men really always fall in love with the baby at first sight? I have heard a lot of guys say it took them a while to get used to it.

ChippingIn · 21/02/2010 20:40

No, I don't think all men do, but lots do. I just think that it's easier to 'forget' that you wanted a boy (or a girl) once there is a real live baby here and not just a 'concept'.

JustMoon · 21/02/2010 21:43

We were convinced I was having a girl with DS1 and when we had the scan at 20weeks it revealed a boy DH was really quite upset, it took him about three weeks to stop going on about it! Didn't stop him loving him completely but I do wonder if we had gone through the whole 40weeks building up for a girl what his reaction might have been at the birth.

releasethehounds · 21/02/2010 21:48

I would also ask your DH in all seriousness "What can you do with a boy that you can't do with a girl?" (or vice versa if the desire is for a girl.

We have 2 girls, we love em to bits, never had a preference.

norksinmywaistband · 21/02/2010 21:57

I am in two minds on this one.
I didn't find out with either of my DC. I was convinced they were both girls.
I was in shock when DC2 was a boy, it took me months to bond with him and that was totally down to him being a boy, and I felt was a trigger for my PND.
I love him so much now I cannot believe I felt that way for so long.
It was not disappointment at his gender though, just shock as I had somehow convinced myself I couldn't carry boys

I think I maybe should have found out, but wanted a surprise again

I think you need to have a frank discussion with DH and make a joint decision based on the outcome

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