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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my so called friend is being quite rude to me?

65 replies

mampam · 20/02/2010 18:44

It's really hacking me off because I think my friend is incredibly rude. Here are some of the things she has said/done:

When telling her that DH's hours had been halved at work and that we were up financial shit creek she replies....."the first thing you want to do is sell some of that crap you've got in your garage".

When turning up unexpectedly for lunch, I offer her a sandwich and a packet of crisps..."I only ever eat crap when I'm at your house".

I invited her DC's over for my DS's birthday tea and her 2 year old gets down from the table with an ice-cream cone and start roaming around my living room and climbing on my sofa's with it. I tell him to come and sit at the table with the ice-cream about 3 times to which he says "NO". Friend says..... "he's usually quite good with things like that". WTF?

I used to pass on DS's clothes to her as her eldest DS is 5 months younger. One particular time I gave her a big bagful and she proceeded to pick through it, making faces and holding things up saying..."what the hell is that?" I've never passed anything on since.

We got a rescue cat who is a bit shy and generally a bit of a nutcase she says...."you always get pets with something wrong with them". We've got a rabbit and a guinea pig but nothing 'wrong' with them to my knowledge.

For my 30th birthday she bought me some cream to rub on my belly to stop itching (I'm currently pg) saying..."I was going to buy you some Bio-Oil but I didn't think there was any point as you've already got stretch marks".

Once when at my house she was getting her DC's coats and shoes on ready to leave when my exH arrived to pick up the children. Was out in the hallway sorting DC's out and seeing them off, when I returned to the living room friends DC's were eating yoghurts, friend says...."oh I just helped myself to a couple of yoghurts from your fridge for the boys". I felt like screaming "you're on your way out the door FFS, surely they can wait 15 minutes til they get home"

The list goes on but I'd be here all day. Do you think this is rude or is it just my PG hormones?

OP posts:

Original poster

mampam · 20/02/2010 19:33

Maybe you've got a point. A couple of my other friends' DC's go to the same school as hers and other friends say they try to avoid her at the school gates.

OP posts:

PerArduaAdNauseum · 20/02/2010 19:36

Strike up a conversation with them, ask their advice on how to get rid of her - nothing unites quicker than a common enemy

Coldhands · 20/02/2010 19:58

Just seen your post about her mum! What a bitch. Her poor mum. Get her out of your life asap. She doesn't deserve friends if this is how she treats people. Maybe one day when she is on her own, she will realise its all down to her and her disgusting attitude.

saggyhairyarse · 20/02/2010 20:21

She sounds horrid.

One of my all time favourite classic responses is "you do realise you said that out loud don't you?"

Original poster

mampam · 20/02/2010 20:35

Saggyhairyarse might try that one!

OP posts:

Heated · 20/02/2010 20:36

Hold up a mirror to her behaviour.

After the next horrid remark ask her genuinely: "What makes you so unpleasant?"

Or "In the 15 minutes you've been here, you criticised and been rude about...(long list) - why do you do that? How do you think it makes me feel about our friendship?"

She'll either be embarrassed and amend her behaviour or flounce, proving she is no friend at all.

AliGrylls · 20/02/2010 20:53

You are mad.

I actually can't even believe you have wasted time trying to be nice to someone who sounds so horrible.

TubbyDuffs · 20/02/2010 20:59

Out of interest, how and why did you become friends with this woman in the first place? Is it worth saving?

I actually think she has some serious ishoooos and maybe (if you really think there is anything about the relationship you want to salvage) you could have it out with her and see where you go from there.

I actually feel a bit sorry for her, after reading further posts, as she is just alienating herself from everyone and maybe she needs a kick up the arse to realise just how bad she is.

SeaTrek · 20/02/2010 21:08

Yeah, I used to have 'BITCH friends' in the past, too. DROP HER!

Original poster

mampam · 21/02/2010 10:39

Gonna try with some of the come backs first and if they don't work..........? I'm gonna have to bite the bullet aren't I?

OP posts:

Nonailsrules · 21/02/2010 11:09

Look her straight in the eye with a blank/slightly confused stair and say '' Oh, you have obviously got me confused with someone'' and she will say what do you mean ???and you say'' someone who gives a about your opinion''

I have used it so many times with or without rude word - depending on situation - Tis very effective

Ishoglomo · 21/02/2010 11:44

She might not be being intentionally rude. I'll bet she doesn't realise you see it that way (and she won't find out unless you tell her). Dropping her or avoiding her would be harsh if she isn't deliberately trying to upset you.

Maybe she just sees it as being able to be honest with you as a friend, a bit like some men tease their male friends and don't mean any offence? I think you should talk to her openly and calmly about it, explaining how you feel, and see what happens from there.

NormaSknockers · 21/02/2010 12:21

YANBU

With "friends" like that....

cligan · 21/02/2010 13:35

iits so simple, SHE IS OBVIOUSLY JEALOUS!!!!!

tell her to stop beiong stupid and accept you for what you are or walk away

shockers · 21/02/2010 13:55

I'd just say "we obviously do things differently and it makes me uncomfortable when you question my way... shall we agree to differ?"

NeedCoffee · 21/02/2010 14:26

What a cow. Get rid

WingedVictory · 22/02/2010 12:32

Your own post had a good one: "There had to be something she could find fault with".

Don't say it to her. Address whomever else is in the room/witnessed it.

If she bridles, you can turn to look at her and say, Oh, really, you don't hear yourself? You've got to stop thinking out loud. It gets on our nerves, and we're, frankly, a bit pissed off that this is what you think about us." If she huffs even more (and, no doubt, she will), say, "Well, if you don't think it, why are you constantly saying rude things?" If she denies this, bring up the crap in garage and eating crap at your house put-downs; they are excellent examples. To conclude, you can say: "I don't want to hear any more, thanks. It's an unpleasant subject. Just please stop it." Repeat this as much as necessary until you can think of a way to change the subject.

Try role-playing this exchange, or other posters' quips, with someone who knows her. The practice will ensure you remember your "lines" and give her what she deserves!

swanandduck · 22/02/2010 12:41

I'd rather have no friends than have a cow like that in my life, constantly putting me down and making me feel bad. I agree with another poster, you might be putting lots of potential friends off because they associate you with her. Just get rid of her and make some new friends. You don't have to say anything outright, just do as your mum says. Be about to head out when she calls around, don't bother returning phone calls, don't invite her and her dh around for dinner etc. Even someone as insensitive as her is bound to get the message eventually.

2boys2 · 22/02/2010 13:01

do let us know how you get on!!

majafa · 22/02/2010 13:56

Saw this rejoinder on another thread,

'That was a hurtfull and unnecessary thing to say'

zipzap · 22/02/2010 21:12

And if she helps herself to anything from your fridge again without asking...

definitely pull her up on it. Say 'Oh. I wished you'd asked - that's going to cause a real inconvenience as I was planning on having those for our supper tonight/using them in the kids packed lunches tomorrow/[insert suitable excuse]. Now I'm going to have to go out and get some more, but that's going to be a real pain so if you could just go and get some for me and drop them off on your way home, that will sort it out' - Ok so she probably won't but something to show that she can't just help herself to stuff from your fridge without asking.

alternatively - do the 'oooh - I hope they weren't the ones that were at the front of the fridge [or whatever identifies them as the ones they were eating]. They're not for eating - they got left out of the shopping and have gone off, I just haven't had a chance to throw them out yet and I didn't want to leave them out in case they popped. If only you had asked, I could have told you and saved you from having dodgy stomachs tonight..' or something else to make her think that they will give anyone who eats them a stomach bug and scare her off raiding your fridge ever again...

MadamDeathstare · 22/02/2010 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chicaguapa · 22/02/2010 21:43

Desperate Housewives had a good retort... 'Did you just say that to my face?' incredulous tone

thesecondcoming · 22/02/2010 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slummybutyummy · 22/02/2010 22:00

I've started using "Did you mean that to sound as rude as it did?" Then you can point out that perhaps they should consider how things sound before they say them and give examples if you want.

I also like heated's "In the 15 minutes you've been here, you criticised and been rude about...(long list) - why do you do that? How do you think it makes me feel about our friendship?"

If it carries on, can you just keep contact with godchild alone? Could her mum help?

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