to be majorly pissed off with DP gone drinking tonight

[TrippleBerryFairy]

just when yesterday we had a talk about

1. us needing to save money as we live in a house that needs tons of renovation

1. me needing more support and help from him with DS as I have a dissertation to write (deadline in 1.5 month)

He didn't even tell me he was going out, I woke up around midnight and realised he must be out cause he wasn't at home.

I don't even feel angry anymore, I just feel like 'fuck it'. He does it some 1-2 times a month and while it's not frequent I feel let down each time as he just goes out without considering my feelings about it.

AIBU?

That's the thing, eagle, I know for a fact it is not 10 - 15£. It's more like 100£ when he goes out.

I don't mind him having down time but why can't he just text me 'going out' or something like that - he rarely does!

I would appreciate a text, but not begrudge him going out. If money is a worry, it's fair enough to raise that though.

I wouldn't be happy at all. yanbu

That much money is taking the piss, but going out a couple of times a month per se should be fine. Letting you know is a courtesy too.

Going out without telling you and spending money you don't have on booze is disrespectful of you abd neglectful of your children.

If this kind of behaviour is a normal part of your lives together I would be reconsidering the point if having him around.

Yes, I'd be pissed of about him going out without letting you know. DH used to do this when DS1 was little. Mind you, I'd get "unreasonably" pissed off about him going out at all. I think that's part of the fact of being a new mum and suddenly having no fecking freedom of movement.

he was back at god knows what hour, I didn't talk to him yet.

Eagle, he goes out to London and when he goes he goes from place to place, occasional strip club, food, then taxi home etc so that amounts to a decent sum in the end. I am fine with him going to strip clubs, I am more angry about money he spends btw.

BOF, he rarely texts me saying he's going out and that's been a major issue since I've known him. You see I am left wondering whether he's ok, whether something happened to him or whether he's out and just can't be arsed to let me know. Then it takes a few of my texts for him to respond which adds to my annoyance - if you're out just tell me, ffs, you idiot!! I wouldn't mind! Instead I feel like a needy controling biatch when I just want to find out where he is!

Another thing is (sorry to go on and on...) he whinges about not seeing DS much (works long hours) but when he has the opportunity to spend time with him (like on fridays when he leaves a bit earlier from work) he chooses to go out instead. That just doesn't make sense to me.

He's still sleeping, will be tired all day obviously so nothing will get done in the house and will be left with trying to write my project with DS on my lap.

Arrrgghhhh....

Why don't you just go and plonk DS down on his lap and say 'your turn - I need some time to do my project' then walk away? While I wouldn't begrudge him a night out (although spending a ton is ridiculous), he shouldn't automatically assume that you will look after DS all day while he sleeps it off.

Frankly I think he's taking the piss, and you are letting him do it a little bit, so just tell him it's his turn and be done with it.

Good luck with your dissertation by the way. I was so glad to get mine finished, I can remember the relief over a decade later!

I know I could just do that but in a way I feel sorry for DS - he will be put in front of tv and I will have to listen to his unhappy cries. I know I should just do that but it's hard.

Seriously Mozarela, this isn't on. Its bad enough he's doing this now but what about when DS is older? He needs to be more responsible and stop acting like he's young, free and single...he's not!
How would he feel if he got home from work and you handed him DS and walked out the door and didn't come back till the wee hours? Perhaps you should do just that and give him a taste of his own medicine..
I'm assuming from what you've said that you have sat down with him and calmly tried to talk about it, how it makes you feel etc...
I wouldn't begrudge my partner going out every now and then, everyone needs to blow off some steam but what about you? When do you get a break? What about getting a sitter and you both going out?
and the money and the not telling you or responding to texts is totally not on. You should agree on a "going out budget" but thats to be split between the two of you, not just for him to blow on himself!
Sorry, this has got me a bit wound up for you, hope you manage to sort things out with him.

"he shouldn't automatically assume that you will look after DS all day while he sleeps it off."

he shouldn't automatically assume that you will look after DS all night while he is spending a month's food shopping on drink and sexual kicks.

He is not going to help you with your dissertation. He clearly doesn't consider you a partner in parenthood, but someone to make sure his child doesn't impact on his life in any way at all.

Telling him how you feel is pointless. He doesn't care.

He's been doing this since you met him (not bothering to tell you he's okay)?

Sorry, but I'd have dumped him way back then when he made it so obvious he didn't give a stuff about my feelings because it's rude and I wouldn't behave in the same way towards a partner myself. So do unto others and you'd have them do to you.

I don't understand this mindset that the only way to wind down is to go on the piss, as if stinking hangovers and spending tons of money is some sort of treat. Seriously, that sort of makes me think, 'Grow up!'

When you need to cut back on spending, and your partner has a big deadline in the next month of so, you big up, you man up and reign it in, even if it's just temporary.

But then, I wouldn't be okay with a guy who went to strip clubs because I used to wait tables in one and the only sort of married bloke who went in there weren't the type I'd eat dinner with, tbh.

'Telling him how you feel is pointless. He doesn't care'

That's the sum of it.

YANBU, it's fine for anyone to go out now and again but he should let you know in advance, limit his spends (I never spend more than £30 on a night out these days) and offer you some constructive support so you can finish your dissertation.

Doing a dissertation and looking after a little one at the same time is hell, I've just done it myself.

Feel for your ds too and quite

He's obviously oblivious to your needs re: your tiem to spend doing your dissertation.

Put your entire work/files on a flash drive and take it to the library.
Take a packed lunch and stay there all day.

Don't tell him where you've gone, but make sure he is aware that DS is his responsibility for the day (even if it means putting DS on the bed where DH is sleeping off his hangover and shutting the door behind you.

that might sound childish, but it really does seem like you telling him it isn't fair isn't cutting it. you have to show him.

good luck getting some work done today.

I will do that. He will start going on about how busy at work he is bla bla bla but that is not an excuse. I know he will shout - fine I will look after DS, go and work on your project! But this is not what I want - to achieve his help through rows and shouting. Why can't he do it without me asking, he sees how stressed I am, I was crying because of it all few days ago!

I texted him last night saying that if DS wasn't here I'd be packing.

My mind is just blank, I am upset, but don't know whether I can express myself clearly to him.

Thing is in words he is supportive, he says I am a wonderful mum,doing great job, that he will look after DS if I need a break but his actions tell me he couldn't care less. Honestly, if that was him writing the dissertation I'd go out of my way to help while he just talks. I do the cleaning, cooking, looking after DS. WHEN am I supposed to find time for my project?...

What nickelbabe said.

Don't shout and row then, just go.

Because he doesn't care. Sorry, but actions speak louder than words.

I worked FT and DH was a SAHP and it's not an excuse to never do a thing around the house, go out boozing because you need 'me' time, etc.

Stop doing things for him.

And stop crying and thinking that will make him care.

I agree with expat and skidoodle.

He doesn't give a shite.

My ex's behaviour was simillar, hence him being an ex. If dh treated me like that he would be an ex too.

I think he is a cock.

actions not words

I agree with skid and expat

I wouldn't tolerate this

I fail to understand this right-on attitude to strip clubs in the 1st place, tbh, but spending so much money when it is needed for the family is just pants

how selfish is that...he gets to ogle other women's tits (and more) while you sit at home crying, looking after his kid

come on, love, you can do better than this

stop listening to his sweet-talk and waiting for him to do the right thing

he just won't while you allow him to walk all over you like this, why would he ?

get tough, or you will be in this position, and worse, 10 years from now

Ok. I just can't bring myself to talk to him. Been out with DS in the morning and now I am back and he is doing things in the house (I bet because he is feeling guilty) and trying to talk to me. No mention of last night, domestic stuff.

I don't want to leave things unsaid but what do I tell him?... Stupid question, but my mind is blank.

Should I explain once again how him not texting/ not replying to my texts makes me feel?...

Should I threaten him e.g. 'I will not put up with this' (what exactly would I do if I 'would not put up with this' I don't know)

Should I get all bosy and tough and tell him that from now on that's how we are going to operate - he does his own laundry, I stop cooking dinners and on e.g. sundays I will leave DS and the house in his charge to go to the library and work on my project?

What is the right thing for me to say? I don't want to sound weak and whinging or start swearing and turn into a drama queen so what do I say?

I would keep it civil. He's not a person of words but a person of action, so why waste your breath?

DO it. Start not putting up with it anymore.

He goes out, don't text his arse. He doesn't give a toss.

Don't even bother telling him you're not a skivvy, that should be obvious.

Just don't bother doing stuff for him anymore.

Oh and please go and see a counsellor to determine why you think what you deserve is a person with the maturity of a 12-year-old and no regard for your feelings or his family.

And tomorrow, get up, get dressed, grab your stuff and announce, 'I'm going to the library to work.'

And walk out the fucking door. No apologies, explanations, when you'll be back or anything.

Turn the phone off, work and come back when you're done.