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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be majorly pissed off with DP gone drinking tonight

46 replies

TrippleBerryFairy · 20/02/2010 01:25

just when yesterday we had a talk about

us needing to save money as we live in a house that needs tons of renovation

me needing more support and help from him with DS as I have a dissertation to write (deadline in 1.5 month)

He didn't even tell me he was going out, I woke up around midnight and realised he must be out cause he wasn't at home.

I don't even feel angry anymore, I just feel like 'fuck it'. He does it some 1-2 times a month and while it's not frequent I feel let down each time as he just goes out without considering my feelings about it.

AIBU?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 20/02/2010 17:08

I am srry, but if you cannot tell your partner when he is being a dick, then you have more problems than him going on the odd bender.

Does he shout you down, bamboozle you, twist it round so it is your fault and you are nagging ?

Or make empty promises, then continue doing what the fuck he likes ?

We can't tell you what to say love, you are a grown woman.

Sit down quietly, decide how much you are prepared to tolerate, then tell him.

Make it clear what the consequences are but of course you have to be able to follow through on any threats.

If you are unwilling to change the status quo, I have no hope that you can turn it around, tbh.

Original poster

TrippleBerryFairy · 20/02/2010 17:53

AF, he shouts sometimes, what he does more often is try to make me laugh - although it sounds much better than being shouted at it makes me angry. To me it means he doesn't take me seriously. When I succumb and giggle at something that's basically the end of the argument. Meaning nothing gets agreed or sorted.

I am not going to waste much breath, but I will stop doing things for him. I promise.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 20/02/2010 17:54

Good points, AnyFucker. Said it better than I could.

AnyFucker · 20/02/2010 22:36

don't promise us moz

think carefully about what you want

am not really sure what you could possibly find funny, tbh, but maybe I am a humourless cow (I doubt it)

he sounds like a dick

are you both quite young ?

thehillsarealive · 20/02/2010 22:45

why are you putting up with this? If my husband went out on a bender to a strip club and didnt let me know he was going i would be totally pissed off. We are a partnership and things have to be organised or at least discussed to make sure someone is around to look after the DC, dog, cat, house etc etc. Not just me doing it all.

Lucyellensmumma · 20/02/2010 23:21

you woke up and realised he wasn't in? when did you go to bed? what time did he go out? totally unnaceptable - he didn't tell you where he was going?

The making you laugh, thats horrible, snidey behaviour - i think i would rather be shouted at - but believe me, my DP wouldn't DARE!

Original poster

TrippleBerryFairy · 21/02/2010 10:17

Thank you ladies. Harsh words from some of you but I needed them.

Been thinking about us all day yesterday and I see many things in different light now. He can be very selfish quite often sometimes and I have been silly trying to make his life easier (naturally thinking that he of course is keen on making mine easier too - WRONG!)

We got together and I got pregnant very quickly and I didn't have time to get to know him properly. He can be gentle, affectionate, caring and fun when he wants to but also very selfish, generous with his words but not actions and inconsiderate.

I am reconsidering our relationship, I feel detached from him emotionally. I have spoken to him very briefly yesterday - to all I said his response was 'I understand', he didn't even say sorry and the conversation was one-sided as if he was just trying to get over it asap.

That is however I am fine. I feel calm and I just don't see things in same light anymore. I will not do things I used to do to make his life easier - not as a revenge but because it's pointless and doesn't make ME happy. I hope he will pull himself together and if not the I will consider the next step (at the moment don't want to think what that 'next step' means .

AF, I am 29 and he is 40 although in many ways he is much less mature than me.

Lucy, that night I went to bed around 8.30 after he finally replied to my text 'on my way...don't hate me' which I thought meant he has been out and was heading home now. 1am I realised he wasn't at home.
Making me laugh in an argument is actually quite hurtfull, makes me feel like I might as well go and talk to the wall.

I am off to library to work on my project today, will come back home as late as I possibly can.

OP posts:

thesecondcoming · 21/02/2010 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 21/02/2010 12:53

err, tsc, I think the 8:30 to bed thing is pretty inconsequential in this whole scenario...

moz, you sound lots more mature than he is

unfortunately, many men never grow up and continue to act like inconsiderate dicks, putting their needs first and not really giving a shit about their partner's feelings

the problem is if you enable it, they will think it ok and they start to feel more and more entitled to it

I wish you luck in sorting this out...and will reiterate, think very carefully about how you want your life to be in the future

if your heart sinks to think you will still be with a selfish partner in 5 years time...then you may have to take drastic measures, tbh

thesecondcoming · 21/02/2010 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

minxofmancunia · 21/02/2010 16:12

at TSC, not much of a life either from what you've described.

I just can't comprehend having my life taken over so completely and utterly by my dcs to that extent.

thesecondcoming · 21/02/2010 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 21/02/2010 16:54

I see your point, tsc, just not sure that your friend's situation is relevant here

unless OP comes back and tells us she has the same scenario going on at her house, I think her partner's selfishness is much more of a problem for her...

shatteredmumsrus · 21/02/2010 17:04

M - you could be describing me and my partner. Just wana mention a post that you had when their dh spends £2.50 a pint and a pop and a go on the fruit machine! Honestly we are not talking that kind of night. And for those prices god knows where you live! dp can easily spend £100 and the rest and we live in Birmingham and thats not even going into town! What time did he eventually get in> my partner doesnt even come home sometimes cus he is 'scared of what im gonna say' What an arse!

Original poster

TrippleBerryFairy · 21/02/2010 18:12

thesecongcomming, don't mind hearing about your friend's situation... It is not the case in our house, I don't co-sleep and actually like to spend time with DP after the little one is asleep in his crib. I do occasionally go to bed really early when especially knackered (DS still feeds 3 times a night at 6.5 months).

shattered, my partner would not come home when he was with his ex- precisely for the same reason your DP doesn't come home - he didn't want to hear her shouting and calling him names etc. I am a bit more of a doormat understanding than her apparently so he does come home. I would be furious if he wouldn't come home, absolutely furious. Where does your DP stay if he stays out, just cruises from place to place?... Sounds as good a knobhead as mine tbh...

I think he got in around 3-4am, I was half asleep.

And to be completely honest, when I think about it, I am pissed off about him going to strip clubs when we didn't have sex since the stone age!...

Anyways, the thread wasn't about our sex life... back to working on my project now (I am still in uni's library).

OP posts:

JemL · 21/02/2010 19:01

He is 40?!?!

I thought he sounded like he was in his early 20's!

My DH was a bit like this when we were first married - but we had no DC's and were 22!!

yanbu

shatteredmumsrus · 21/02/2010 20:03

Yes he normally ends up in someones house drinkng and god knows what... No issues with other women or anything that I am sure of

expatinscotland · 21/02/2010 20:04

I thought he was in his early 20s, too.

No wonder he's not with the ex gf anymore. She threw his arse out!

shatteredmumsrus · 21/02/2010 20:37

i do understand tho, jekyl and hyde eh?

Original poster

TrippleBerryFairy · 22/02/2010 08:53

expat, his ex didn't threw him out. They split amicably when the relationship deteriorated for many reasons. And soon after that I came along. (Feeling the need to defend DP here a little bit

I did think about what you said re married men that go to strip clubs and you're right, it's wrong. DP was actually surprised I was upset about him going there as I never objected before. But seriously, what would I think of e.g. my work-colleague with wife/gf/dp and a small baby if I knew he was heading straight to a strip club after work without even bothering to let her know where he is? A TWAT , that's what I would think and I would lose the respect for him.

Anyways, spoke to him again last night, he seemed to have understood my point and willing to change but I guess I will only find out with time if he really meant it.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 22/02/2010 11:26

moz, I didn't massively pick up on the strip club thing from your OP, as you were obviously working through more general issues

however, I feel I want to say it now

going to strip clubs when you are in a committed partnership is wrong, IMO

I don't want this thread to get invaded now by all the right-on, modern young women who are more than happy to let their dp's go and ogle other women and then come home to start fondling them

it is icky, it is disrespectful (quite apart from the selfishness of using family money on your own sexual pokings)

but I think many women have been bamboozled and utterly brainwashed by the normalisation of what is essentially paying for sexual stimulation

and that if we don't allow our partners to do it, we are somehow "repressed", "uptight", or "boring"

that is bullshit

I am very far from uptight, or boring, but no way on earth would my husband be paying good money to have some other woman rub her fanny on his trousers (or worse)

sorry, had to be said

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