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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be completely angry at XH emailing me about his crap life and inability to pay maintenance

45 replies

SingleMum01 · 19/02/2010 23:24

XH has just sent me an email apologising for not paying maintenance. He's finally decided (8 mths after walking out of a job) he's got to look for a job as he's nearly lost his house, can't afford food/utilities etc. He's recently cancelled a pension and received £3,500 - I know about this 'cos the letter came to my address! He's saying this has been spent on rent and debts.

He's upset I don't contact him about our DS and that he didn't know it was half term (I gave him a school sheet with holidays on in Sept). He sees our DS once a week.

He's upset that I said in my last email (just after Xmas) that I could contact the CSA and could claim some of his JSA money - although I said I wouldn't do this.

Sorry for rant, but I'm fuming. He needs to take responsibility for himself and get a job instead of pitying himself. He has no idea how I have to struggle to keep a roof over our heads and that my life isn't a bed of roses. Especially as my job may well go in Sept too.

OP posts:

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 19/02/2010 23:28

anyone up to calm me down!

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ninah · 19/02/2010 23:31

don't know about calmign you down! bit rubbish of him to email you with this kind of thing
I'd be tempted to leave it to CSA to sort out now just to avoid getting involved with him although I know they have a reputation for uselessness

groundhogs · 19/02/2010 23:32

Oh gosh poor you! What a total arse!

I think perhaps you really ought to go to the CSA, he's blown £3,500 on stuff without talking to you about it and after not paying you anything for your DC.

Gloves need to come off now babe!

Get tough, if not for you, for your DC..

gaelicsheep · 19/02/2010 23:33

Erm, at least he contacted you to try and explain? Sorry, that's the best I can do! DH has had to get on his hands and knees (metaphorically) and beg to his ex in the past - not that it got him anywhere. It's not an easy thing to do - but then his situation wasn't of his own making, it was through redundancy and ill health. Are you sure you know the full story behind your DH's work situation?

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 19/02/2010 23:33

this was what he said about the CSA 'Your reference to the CSA in your last e-mail still hurts and rings in my ears, but I really do not have anything. The money I got back from my pension recently went on rent and debts and left me with nothing spare. I am really sorry'

I mean really, get the violin out. How can you get through £3500 in 2 weeks, that would last me 6 mths of bills.

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gaelicsheep · 19/02/2010 23:34

Sorry, I meant XH obviously.

I wouldn't bother with the hassle of the CSA for a fiver a week if I were you.

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 19/02/2010 23:35

Gaelicsheep if he was made redundant I would be more sympathetic but after living with him for 10 years and supporting him for most of it I know he is a shirker. He's walked out of his last 2 jobs just 'cos it was too much like hard work.

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ninah · 19/02/2010 23:35

OK well if a third party is dealing then you don't have to
no emotions, just business

ninah · 19/02/2010 23:36

better than nowt, gaelic! and it does bypass the emotional stuff when dealing with money

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 19/02/2010 23:37

I've resigned myself to not getting any money from him. I'm just peeved that he has the audacity to send me an email about how crap his life is bla bla bla - bovvered!! Sorry I know I'm ranting.

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issysmilkbottle · 19/02/2010 23:38

you need to be tough i'm afraid or he'll use any excuse not to contribute or take responsibility in the future... It would only get worse.....

gaelicsheep · 19/02/2010 23:39

Ah, I see. Well it could be that once he's working again it would be better to go through the CSA - if indeed that would make things any easier. They do have a dreadful reputation but you could point out to your XH that he should be very thankful that this didn't arise ten years ago. Back then the CSA would have taken great pleasure in screwing him for pretty much every last penny he earned and basically making sure that he was worse off working than not working. Things have changed a lot and the percentage of income they ask for these days is pretty fair.

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 19/02/2010 23:39

This is the rest of the email bear in mind he walked out of his last job in August. 'I'm sorry I've not been able to come up with any money for DS yet. I'm still trying to find some work and have been unsuccessful so far with the jobs I've applied for. Even driving jobs are hard to get and I'm now at the stage that I will consider anything at all.

Life is not a bed of roses for me and I'm not living the life of Riley. Things are really hard, I'm having troble finding money for electric, gas and food. I've managed to hold on to the house at the moment because the Landlord has been sympathic but not sure how long his patence will last.

I do regret and I feel really sad and really sorry about this situation and miss DS and news of hows he's getting on greatly. I was unaware this was half term until Tuesday when I texted you, I would of liked to of arraged something with you to see him but obviously it was too late by then. I miss knowing how he's getting on at school and news of how he's doing generally'

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ninah · 19/02/2010 23:42

he sees him once a week? what, for a day or something? wouldn't that tell him how things are going?

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 19/02/2010 23:44

He seems him on a Sunday afternoon for 3 hours. I'd willingly let him see him more, I've never stopped him. Maybe if he'd have stuck around and not walked out on him when he was a baby he would have known how things are going.

Oh, I'm really sorry, I though I was over all this

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Original poster

SingleMum01 · 19/02/2010 23:46

How should I respond - thought of just stating he had a copy of school terms dates in Sept, not really sure what else to say without going off on one about how I think he needs to take responsibility for his life and son!

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ninah · 19/02/2010 23:48

why not offer more contact? and a copy of the school report for instance
contact is a separate issue and your ex clearly feels he is losing touch, and is sad about that ..Iknow, I know,
at the same time if emotions are creeping into your finacial arrangements, hand them over

ninah · 19/02/2010 23:49

I'd phone him also, email is no way to do this (even if tempting)

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 19/02/2010 23:50

Ninah - good idea I'll offer more contact. He used to go swimming with him but has stopped doing that 'cos he can't afford it. He does get a copy of the school report - they send copies of everything to both me and him so he's kept in the loop.

I think I may have to go to the CSA as I can't be dealing with this upset over and over again.

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ninah · 19/02/2010 23:55

I think so. More contact for him gives you a break, too. And then it is up to him to make good use of it.
And CSA for money. Sounds fair enough.
It is difficult to deal with exs as emotions are involved, but it is best to keep emotions out of discussions however tempting, it really doesn't help and ends up making you feel rubbish and them feeling vindicated iykwim

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 19/02/2010 23:57

Thanks for the advice ninah - I don't think he really wants extra contact, but I'll make the offer. I know he'll go bonkers when I say I'm getting the CSA involved which is why I've not done it so far.

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ninah · 20/02/2010 00:04

Yes, wonder what he will say? 'oh I'd love to but ...'
good for you, though - a genuine and reasonable attempt to address his concerns keeps you on a moral high ground
and as for CSA, just say look both of us are struggling with money, it's an upsetting issue and I've decided that if someone else sorts it out between us it lets us concentrate on ds instead of stewing over cash
what can he say/do to that? it's fair, you've been considerate and fair

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 20/02/2010 08:02

I'm sure he'll have lots to say about the CSA, I don't know why he's so against it unless he's got something to hide. He must've been really p'd off when I got his pension letter saying he'd got £3,500! And I'm astounded that he could get through that in a month and not even give a fiver of it towards helping with our DS!

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Original poster

SingleMum01 · 20/02/2010 08:05

bump - more opinions on reply email please!

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nighbynight · 20/02/2010 08:42

I agree about increasing his time with his son, hopefully would make him feel more involved.

My ex is also completely useless, no job, expects me to arrange visits and bring the children (otherwise I'm "keeping the children from him").

I havent yet cracked the magic formula of how to make him take his responsibilities.

Sadly, it'll proabably only happen with your ex when he gets another woman, who can organise his life for him.

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