to be completely angry at XH emailing me about his crap life and inability to pay maintenance

[SingleMum01]

XH has just sent me an email apologising for not paying maintenance. He's finally decided (8 mths after walking out of a job) he's got to look for a job as he's nearly lost his house, can't afford food/utilities etc. He's recently cancelled a pension and received £3,500 - I know about this 'cos the letter came to my address! He's saying this has been spent on rent and debts.

He's upset I don't contact him about our DS and that he didn't know it was half term (I gave him a school sheet with holidays on in Sept). He sees our DS once a week.

He's upset that I said in my last email (just after Xmas) that I could contact the CSA and could claim some of his JSA money - although I said I wouldn't do this.

Sorry for rant, but I'm fuming. He needs to take responsibility for himself and get a job instead of pitying himself. He has no idea how I have to struggle to keep a roof over our heads and that my life isn't a bed of roses. Especially as my job may well go in Sept too.

nighbyn - do u use the csa? If so, what is the process and how are they?

no, he doesnt pay a cent and never has.
There was a csa assessment done years ago in Britain, he was on the dole at the time, and it said that he had nothign to pay.

We are in germany now, where the government pays me, and tries to get the money back from him. Lets just say, he darent cross the border into germany now which suits me fine, as he is violent.

For 8 months he didn't even bother looking for a job when he has a child and should be supporting him?... No sympathy whatsoever, his debts are not your problem.

He walked out of the job without intention to look for another one - what a primadonna, how was he expecting to pay for things or he thinks you are kind and understanding enough not to demand child maintenance?...

he thinks I won't do anything about it, but I reached the end of my tether with his email to me last night. Have hardly slept a wink thinking about it. I still can't believe he has spent £3500 in a mth - that would keep me going for 6 mths without any other income! How very dare he.

£3500 is nothing, tbh. If he has backdated rent or credit card debts it could disappear overnight. I'm not suggesting your ex be encouraged in a life of idle excusing himself but I'd be cautious about the good you think will come of getting the CSA involved. Certainly, they shouldn't be brought in as a way of punishing your ex because it'll be you who gets the greatest hassle for the least reward!

I don't see it as a way of punishing my ex, more of a way of stopping the stress it causes me asking for maintenance each mth and being refused. Then getting emails about how shite his life is.

I would do two things.

1. Go through the CSA.

1. Email him back and be very matter of fact without being rude/inflammatory.

Dear x,

I have decided to go through the CSA for the maintenence issue as I feel it will be better for both of us if an impartial third party can look after this side of things.

I am sorry you feel you don't receive enough information about ds's education and schooling. Perhaps this is something you could take up with the school the next time you attend a parents evening, the dates are on the schedule that you receive from the school along with the school reports you also receive. Holiday dates are also on there, including half term dates.

Or something along those lines anyway....

You certainly shouldn't have this constant negotiation and certainly, he has a responsibility for his child. I'd just get a bit of advice about how effective the CSA are likely to be before involving them. Only they can be an even more stressful experience than dealing with an ex!

As for the emails, just tell him that you don't want apologies, you want to hear his positive plan for paying the maintenance in future. In the time it takes to tell all these sob stories he could have earned the maintenance!

I feel for you Singlemum. I think you need to take him out of the loop totally with regard to maintenance. I would certainly be phoning CSA first thing on Monday, and not even tell him. If he cannot be bothered to give you any money at all, then I would completely screw him over. You have to look out for yourself and your DS. Even if he is getting JSA you will get £5 a week, but then they have him on their system, so when he does eventually get off his arse and get a job, they can immediately taken 15% of everything he earns.
I have been there, done this, and feel the better person for it. I eventually have the upper hand and it feels good.

Agreed - I waited and waited, asked, bargained, borrowed money off my Mum and Dad...for 5 years. During this time he bought our DD one pair of school shoes and I paid for everything else.

Going to the CSA was brilliant - they were polite, prompt and pretty smart - they noticed that the pay slip he eventually sent in had an emergency tax code on it (he'd started a new job) and asked for another one to make sure they had an accurate assessment. He kicked off, natch, but now I get regular money for DD and no hassle.

Even if it's only a fiver - it's not your money to turn down, is it? It's your DS's and he's entitled.

I think he is probably very scared of the CSA because of the number of men that have committed suicide as a direct result of their interventions over the years. They have changed many of their evil ways, however - for new cases anyway - so as long as you are doing it for the right reasons it shouldn't cause him too much hassle.

15% is fine and if that assessment had ever been offered to DH, instead of the ridiculously high amounts that were demanded in the past from a non-existent salary, we'd have snapped their hands off.

I woud also recommend making sure that he gets plenty of contact and plenty of information about how his DC is doing at school etc. I speak as the wife of a man who got none of that - no school reports, no information about the DCs's health. Nothing. And it hurt him very much.

Thanks for that gaelicsheep, maybe I need to reassure him in my email re: CSA has changed.

Men that have commited suicide because of the CSA? Must google that. And I dont mean that in a bad way, just have never heard of it.
Singlemum - I agree with making sure he has contact with the school etc, but dont go out of your way as it could easily backfire. I tried to involve my DD's dad with school events, parents evening, swimming, gymnastics and told DD, who was only then let down and upset that he never turned up. So now I dont bother letting him know anything. His problem. He knows where she goes to school, he can contact them directly now.
Being a father isnt just about being involved with school things, and seeing the kids, its also about contributing towards their upkeep. If it was the other way round, I would live on value beans, and in a one sit bedsit to be able to pay towards my DD.

I am continually shocked about men like this.

He has a duty to support his child yet he walked out of a job without one to go into?

And worse than this- he hasn't worked for 8 months yet only sees his son for 3 hours a week? If I was in his situation I would be picking him up from school whenever possible and also asking to spend more time with him in the holidays. If you not at work you might as well see you child right? I mean ffs what has he been doing with his time given that he says he has only just decided he needs to look for a job?! Especially if you are working and presumably the chlidcare he could provide while between jobs would be pretty helpful.

Spineless useless git tbh

I do work so have repeatedly asked him to help during school holidays so I don't have to pay for holiday clubs and to give them bonding time, but he's never available! So to criticise me this week for not telling him its half term - what a joke!

Marsden - yes, sadly it was the case in the early days. The days when the CSA came along and interfered in situations where their "help" was neither asked for nor needed, purely to take the maintenance away from the child and give it to the Government instead. They tore families apart that had been managing perfectly fine before, they would more than double the maintenance due yet the children ended up with next to nothing because pretty much the entire amount was clawed back to offset benefit/family credit money.

Those were the days when the CSA completely screwed up my DH's life, when he and his ex already had a perfectly amicable arrangement that was working just fine. They left him stuck living with his mother because their assessments ensured he couldn't afford a place of his own, consequently he couldn't build a proper life with his kids. I know he himself considered ending it all; other men went further and did it because they had nothing left to live for.

Those times are thankfully long gone, but some families are still paying the price to this day.

look he can call the school and find out when is half term then take the inititaitve to contact you to arrange contact - to blame you for him now knowing it is half term is ridiculous!

why should you run around after a grown man? (presume is part of reason why you not together)

he is doing a good "poor me" victim impression. you ar not stoppping him getting a job, you are not stopping him finding out when half term is.
time he got a grip.

but no point engaging with him or saying how sorry you are for him.

no emotions.

just say:

"the school term dates are on the website or you can get them from school. let me know which days in the hols you would like ds and from what time to what time."

lol