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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that Helen Wright, headtreacher, is a really good role model

56 replies

DuelingFanjo · 19/02/2010 16:30

story, Daily Mail unfortunately

obviously she is also very lucky to have the freedom to take her baby into her place of work but I also think good for her for taking advantage of it!

". I think a lot of the anger directed towards me is anger at their own situations.

'What's surprised me is how much some women - most women, it seems - divide their lives into work and family. They almost seem to see work as something to escape from. I have never ever felt like that, and I'd be horrified if any of my girls go on to feel that. "

OP posts:
MrsC2010 · 19/02/2010 18:54

I don't think it is a good example at all. Well, it depends on what you think a good example is...on what your priorities are. I'm due in the summer, and I can guarantee my priority won't be work.

I think she forgets that this isn't possible for everyone, and so is being horribly smug by suggesting that she is right. I suspect if a battalion of her female (and male here, let's not discriminate!) teachers came in bearing bubbas, screaming and otherwise, she would have something else to say about it. How would her highly paying parents like that?!

bloss · 19/02/2010 19:25

Message withdrawn

Rockbird · 19/02/2010 19:49

So who is she being a role model for then? The 1% of the population who have all of those options available?

And I really resent your use of the term highly able. Fuck the rest of us poor also rans then who don't have the money for a nanny, or who had a CS, or don't sit behind a cosy desk all day? In those circumstances we can all bf our offspring whilst dictating letters. That makes you highly fortunate not able.

Elsewhere · 19/02/2010 20:00

sahm's with a baby and other kids are working - what mother isn't? It suggests that other mothers not sat at a desk with a newborn are having a relaxing time.

Looking after my other kids at the same time as a newborn is a 24/7 job with no scheduled breaks, payment or contract.

abbierhodes · 19/02/2010 22:53

I'd like to see the effect this has on the child in the longrun. I grew up feeling second best to my mother's career...but she at least took a few weeks off when I was born.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 20/02/2010 02:19

I think she's great. I don't know about 'role model' in her specific behaviour, but I'm sure she doesn't think everyone should do what she has. But I think she promotes several good ideas:

  1. Do what works for you, don't bother about keeping other people (not family) happy because it's a waste of time
  1. Marry a man who will support your choices
  1. Get yourself to a place where you can make unusual choices.

Just so happens that what she chose to do was go straight back to work. She seems a pretty balanced person, I doubt she would do it if she thought it was damaging her or the baby. I also think it's nice for the girls at her school to see a mother with her baby in every day life.

And I don't see how it can be bad for the baby - she gets to be with her mother a lot, has a lot of stability, breastfed etc. And also, it is only very recently that a baby has had 1-1 care pretty much 24/7 from its mother. Historically, in working-class households, mothers had to get back to work asap and either worked at home with the baby there, or brought it with her in some cases, or left it with her extended family or another woman. Babies grew up being cared for by numerous people, in the upper, middle and lower classes. Women simply did not ever focus 100% on the child until very recently. If she did not work, there would be other children around, housekeeping etc. I think that baby is getting a great start.

lindy100 · 20/02/2010 09:03

My headmaster brought one of his dd in to school one day when childcare was unavailable at short notice.

Not a problem when they spent all day in the office, with reception staff to play with her if he had a meeting.

Not so easy for me in the classroom, I suspect - esp if it coincides with a day where I have to do a break duty in the dining hall, a full teaching day and a meeting after school, in which case I would only have half an hour to myself in over eight hours.

And I don't have a nanny to take over when I'm too busy.

Definitely not do-able for nearly all of us (and not something I would ever want to aspire to - where's the time spent recovering, getting to know your baby and putting them first?).

bloss · 20/02/2010 09:16

Message withdrawn

scottishmummy · 20/02/2010 10:15

dont think she has let anyone down per se.she has had a pasting and some nasty comments.her swift return doesnt make her a bad mum,nor do i think her baby will necessarily suffer

as i see it mat leave is to recover mentally and physically.her return to work was astonishingly fast

but well it is up to her!

but i do agree work and family life are entwined.not two discrete entities.work maintains the family (pragmatically pays mortgage etc) talking about work to your children is positive and since we spend majority of adult life working,it is worth acknowledging.

EllieMental · 20/02/2010 10:22

If I tried to take my newborn strapped to me to the checkout in Asda for my shift, I'd get sent home...
She is in a particularly rarified position imo.

tethersend · 20/02/2010 10:26

I don't think she has let anyone down either... I don't worry for her child(ren) at all.

I simply resent her being held up as a shining example of what is possible when, as many others have pointed out, it is only possible given a certain set of circumstances, i.e. living on site, nanny available, straightforward birth and a job which allows you to sit down and bf.

Why are other women's choices (made from a limited number of options, usually) not written about in the national press in such a way?

She is in the news because she is not the 'norm'. This is not because she bravely swims against the tide and paves the way for others to follow her shining example as the article implies, but because she is incredibly lucky to have the circumstances conducive to making that choice. The 'norm' does not include those in that position.

violethill · 20/02/2010 10:29

I read the thread on this which linked to another article recently and would just make the following point:

  • the other article made it clear that the baby was born in mid-December. Dr Wright popped into her school office later that day and ended up dealing with a few emails etc. Mid-December would be end of term in a private school, so presumably immediately after the birth there would be no teaching, no pupils, probably a month of school holiday where Dr Wright would be dealing with emails, some meetings, but not face-to-face contact with pupils. Her baby must be over two months old by now. That puts things in perspective. The lengthy maternity leaves many women take now (up to a year) are a very recent phenomenon. Even just 20 years ago most women I knew, myself included, took 3 months. Six months was the absolute maximum with half unpaid, so many women couldn't afford it. And this meant leaving the baby in childcare, not having the baby with you to pop on and off the breast. That's not to dismiss Dr Wright at all - just making it clear that to many of us, working outside the home with a baby a few months old was the norm.
  • she makes it very clear that she does not expect every one to be able to follow the same path as her, or to even want to. She celebrates the fact that she has a choice, and that she has made decisions in her life (and probably also had a fairly good dose of good fortune) to get to where she is. Choice is what empowers people. In this respect, I think she's an excellent role model.
  • being realistic, I suspect the whole thing is a publicity stunt anyway. A long term recession is not the best climate for private schools to flourish. This is a way of getting her school publicity, and presenting it as modern, aspirational etc
  • whatever anyone chooses to say about feeling sorry for the baby, the chances are, the baby (and its siblings) will grow up to be successful, well adjusted and high achieving. The two parents are clearly both committed, stable, intelligent and successful themselves.
Rollmops · 20/02/2010 11:03

No. Such zeal is beyond 'borderline fanatical' and thus wrong.
She is supposed to be a role model and show the girls in her care a well balanced attitude to life, attainment in all areas is a fabulous thing but balance is the key.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 20/02/2010 13:26

I also spent a lot of time in faculty offices as a child when no childcare was in place. I got spoilt rotten by all the secretaries and scooted around lecture theatres on my scooter.

howmuchdidyousay · 20/02/2010 16:45

I thught it was illegal for an employer to have a woman back at work within 2 weeks of giving birth.I hope it doesn't backfire by the school being prosecuted

tethersend · 20/02/2010 17:32

I think she gets around it by living on site, howmuch...

MrsC2010 · 20/02/2010 17:38

I think describing her as a role model is what sticks in my throat. Yes, she is lucky, and yes what she is doing is unusual and works for her. I have no issue with that. Holding her up as a 'role model' implies that she is what all women ought to be aspiring to be, and is the perfect case...that is what the words 'role model' say to me. That is what sticks. If what she is doing is the perfect thing for womankind (which I disagree with but that is neither here nor there) then that is setting the majority of us up to fail for reasons that are not under our control. What she is doing works for her, under her circumstances. Big whoop. It wouldn't work for most of us, as such she isn 't a role model to me.

MadameOvary · 20/02/2010 17:56

Fucking hell, I've just realised I was at school with her
My best friend was good friends with her and has stayed in touch, sounds like she has stayed the warm, genuine lovely person she was at school.
Good for her. She was always academically focussed and has done well for herself.
She is a good role model IMO, as long as she doesn't try to preach and acknowledges the right of choice.

kitcat1977 · 20/02/2010 18:10

Wot tethersend said

oldenglishspangles · 20/02/2010 18:12

No not a good role model going back to work straight away. Like others have people fought for the right of maternity.

oldenglishspangles · 20/02/2010 18:13

shoudl read - like others people have said.... It also sends a very poor message about being a parent.

bloss · 20/02/2010 18:48

Message withdrawn

violethill · 20/02/2010 18:51

I agree bloss. I see her as a role model for choice.

I bet if the article had described a mother who gave up a high flying career to become a SAHM, no one would be saying 'how dare anyone follow her example!'

She's a shining example of ONE way of doing it. Doesn't mean there aren't many other valid ways.

And I totally disagree with the previous poster that it's a poor message about being a parent. I would put good money on Dr Wright's children being bright, well adjusted and having a successful time ahead of them - they clearly have a stable and loving home life with plenty of intellectual stimulation.

MrsC2010 · 20/02/2010 19:06

Ok, I see her as a role model for choice, but not necessarily for parenthood. That would be too narrow, but how I read the article.

scottishmummy · 20/02/2010 20:07

huffing & puffing feeling sorry for her children is misplaced angst

hardly think a driven,solvent,professional woman is much cause for alarm

statistically, the fact that her parents have degrees,professional qualifications bodes well for the children social outcomes

perhaps just her story is unusual,the oft cited tale is usually high flyer who gives it all up to make cupcakes and trade as ethical/eco warrior who eschews mere money.whilst her husband crispian continues to do his tin in at Clifford Chance